Archive for the ‘Trials of Life’ Category

So you gave me something, you knew full well was bad for me, just because you couldn’t stand to see my heart breaking any more. I don’t even know what to say. Shivers, goosebumps, smile from ear to ear. That’s love. That’s really real true love right there. The only kinda love that can come from source, from God, from Self. The one that doesn’t ask for anything in return. Gives and gives freely. Gives without reservation, without justification. Just because it’s love that is what’s needed in that moment. The purest distillation of the essence of life.

Now I’m going to qualify…. By God I always mean God, universe, spirit, source, self….. You catch my drift. We have many names, use the one that revs your crank.

So your probably wondering what the fuck I’m talking about. Sounds like the ramblings of someone blowing cocaine all night. Some insightful shit right?! Well it is. But there was no cocaine involved here. Not even booze. Clean and sober and just fuckin high on life.

So we break up. I break apart. Just fly apart at the seems. Distraught and nothing in the world could help. I ask God… Correction, I make a deal with the ol man and I ask him that if he brings her back in my life I promise to do something. No answer. It gets worse and worse till I’m a mess. A fkn puddle on the floor. My heart was shattering, it was fundamentally changing who I was. So even though God knows full well there is nothing more to do other than to let me wallow in my misery, doesn’t let it happen. Gives me the very thing I need the least at the moment I need it the most. It was the only thing that could sooth me. I can only equate it to a child crying, begging his father to unground him so he can go see his crazy gf cause she’s leaving and if he doesn’t then she will leave him forever. As the father or older brother maybe is better, you know…. That’s fucked!! This girl is a head case and the LAST thing he needs in life right now is to go see the crazy bitch. What he really needs to do is let that shit go. But he begs and begs till he’s a mess. He’s not eating he’s not sleeping, it’s fucking up his life so hard. What do you do?

Well my heart would shatter in that moment and I’d know that I’d have to give in for the best of this child. Yeah they will be hurt by this chickenhead but what else is there to do? It’s not worth protecting someone from some pain when the act of protection will cause way more detrimental pain! That’s counter productive. You know what’s gonna happen. But love allows you to be a stand for that child. A space, a clearing for them to discover life in all its glory and all its misery. On their own without your interference. When they have been crushed by this monster (aka girl), they can come back and you can hug them and take care of them and they can grow up and wake up, realize, and thank you for being such an awesome father or brother. That’s love! Well one of the ways it manifests. Allowing a bad thing to happen to avoid an even worse thing from happening. Nothing wrong with the circumstance, something you can’t change, but how you feel about them is what you can change.

I have to admit, the last paragraph dropped off. I’m trying to express how I feel while Chuck Norris is kicking ass and saving baby girls from bombs on tv, so I’m kinda distracted now. I’m at my parents place in London, just came from a wedding that was life altering. How? I have been away from my fam for so long that coming back to everyone there, everyone happy to see me, how and who I was around them…. I loved that guy!! It felt like coming back home. In that moment when I walked into that huge hall full of our huge fam I was ON boy I was OOONNN!!! The lost prodigal son returned. I felt so good talking my native language. All the mannerisms and little tiny ways of saying things, that just lights my soul!! I sat down and listened to speeches and I was tearing up. Why? Not cuz my relationship is over. But cause I have wasted all this time in life playing in the kiddy pool messing with girls that have no culture, no class, bar stars even the best of them. Just a lowr class of being. Fuck this last one tells me, your the perfect man perfect in every way, your the man I’d wanna marry and have kids with and I love you to bits and my fam loves you and everyone single person around me even my parents and sisters and friends and blah blah blah are telling me I’m crazy….. But…. I realized I don’t wanna get married (after telling you I want to since day one) and I just need to be perused by other men, that’s what’s gonna make me happy and fulfilled right now. Are you fkn kidding me? Who the fk says that? Needless to say I’ve avoided the fam cause I loved dating these girls they will never accept my culture, background, fam values, and really…. Will never really be accepted by this monster fam as “one of us”. Now don’t get me wrong, no one will say anything and she will be treated amazing. But she just won’t ever be one of us. Won’t really fully grasp this life. Oh if ya didn’t know, by background is Mediterranean. I was born on a beauty of a beach in front of my grandma’s farm over looking the nicest part of the Mediterranean.

But really, the biggest thing is…. WHY THE FUCK would I ever wanna give a second (third) chance to a girl who tells me “I’m just not in love with you any more” days after thanking me for trying so hard to get us back together saying she’s the happiest she’s ever been, telling me the kinda ring she wants, telling her sister she’s ready to get married now, and the list goes on and on. Then a health scare happens, she does some death meditation, and next thing you know it’s 180 degrees. Needless to say, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!? Do I devalue myself that much? I’m willing to be suppressed just to have her? Be a person I don’t even like. Why the fuck would she ever like me if I don’t like me? But without her, I fucking love me!! Like an unhealthy amount. So catch 22 situation. With her I don’t even like who I am, don’t like life, don’t like paradise. It’s fucked. Ok now I’m really rambling.

Ok so one last thing. Back to the God thing. So we break up at like 4pm, by 5 I’m on the phone with Laura, Carla, and then Laura again. Good space of mind. Get great insight. Then out of the blue one of my bestest friends Jay calls me. I haven’t seen him in 6 months. “homie what are you up to”, I’m like “G come over”. 5min later he’s at my place. We talk till like 330am. Such insight. I was blown away. Best feeling. At the same time, this one random girl I wanted to hit for so long (and regretted not hitting it before during our break up) msgs and calls me wants to see me that night, do drinks and a night out. I don’t answer but I msg her and we gonna make some plans. Like wtf. How? No one even knows on social media we broke up. I haven’t even told anyone, everyone I told is out of town! I pull into the Timmie’s on the way to London, cute girl in the drive through literally blushed and was giddy handing me my drink. Granted I did flash her a million dollar smile. Today we do this wedding. This other girl I’ve wanted to get with for years and never really took the bait DM’s me, straight up, “you still dating that girl? ” I Reply with a simple “nope lol, wanna go out?” she reply’s with a “yes”. Done. A couple šŸ˜˜ exchanged and I tell her I’ll msg her tomorrow to make plans. Like wtf!! God. The universe. Self. Giving not what I need but what I want. The hunger of a man that doesn’t even give a fuck is so fucking powerful that the universe itself is compelled, even eager to acknowledge!! Let that one rattle around in your head.

What do I say? I’m not really sure anymore. I’ve said a lot. Around 4pm she called and told me she wants to break up with me. Again. We talked and got to why she wants to. This time it’s not with me and that’s for sure. I’m the perfect man and make the perfect husband and father, but that’s not what she realised she wants. Not to be in a relationship, not to be a wife. Not to be committed. There’s reason that I won’t go in to, but that’s really the bottom line. She loves me but is not in love with me, and was back in it for the wrong reasons. Ok, understood. She hadn’t seen much of life and has no idea how to compare what’s good. When you’ve had the best in life you never really know. The laws of supply and demand. I ou can’t truly know the value of a diamond when you have bags of them sitting in the corner of the room. I’ve given her the world and everything in it. I’d launch a thousand ships for her, but the value of it can be understood but never really felt. Never to have an impact the way it should when you think anyone would.

So we talked and that got me to a place where I could understand it. But I was not good with it. I am hurt and that’s a fact. So I reached out to some friends who were there when I need them, bless them for that. Then out of the blue my long time friend Jay came by. Haven’t seen him in forever and just like that he messages at the perfect time. So he comes by and we talk for hours on end. It’s 330am and he finally had to go home but it made me realize so much. I couldn’t have made it to this point so fast if not for that. I wrote stuff down but the impact of this was priceless. And what I realized is a miracle. I realized that LOVE to talk!! Like a lot!! And not just talk but actually be heard and appreciated, have my words appreciated for what they are. Insightful and meaningful. Words that get the brain flowing, stuff that makes one think and ponder. Analyze life and what I’m saying. I realize that that’s something I need and can’t be without in a relationship or a friendship. And that’s something i could never get with Christie in this relationship. That was a negative. My ramblings were something to be stifled cause they were not useful. So I made myself wrong about it. Like it was something I needed to change about myself. Something that needed to be gone in order to have better speech. But in reality, it’s who I am. And that’s not wrong!

We live in a world where everything is wrong. We make everything wrong. Everything. We live life from that space and are constantly thinking we need to change it become better than who we actually are, never to accept ourselves for who we really are, the miracle of life that we really are and all we have to bring to the table. Why on earth would I want to spend my life with someone who cannot see and appreciate that? How crazy shitty of a life would that be to never really be fully appreciated for who you are but more for who you can be to someone else? Being something for someone comes in 2 forms. The crutch and the stand. Something I also learned tonight. Although they may overlap in many aspects, they as re worlds apart. A crutch is used as a stand but a crutch is not stable. Can be tossed around, thrown down, used and gotten rid of, and if you let go of a crutch it just falls down. A crutch needs you as much as you need the crutch. A stand on the other hand is solid. It’s always there. You can use it to prop yourself up when needed but it doesn’t need you to stay strong. Doesn’t need you to be there. A stand will always be there, strong, upright whether your there or not. You leave and come and the stand is still standing there strong and regal. Being a stand for someone is good, healthy, for both. Being a crutch is unhealthy for both parties. No one does any good with a crutch. The crutch gets used and discarded when not needed. And when used long enough your limbs wither away till you can no longer stand without it. In a sense, something that appears to be good for rehabilitation in the short term turns into something toxic in the long term. Only to be used again when needed. A very powerful lesson I learned today.

I also learned about being spoiled. Perspective I had not had for a while. When you have lots of something or have always had something so good you’ll never really know how good you have it. And you’ll never know how bad it is without it when all that’s out there is garbage. Always having new cars will never allow one to really know how good a car you have unless you’ve driven a beater to see how great things are in the new car, no matter how much the service costs. It’s the old, you never know how good you have something till its gone. And that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time. I’ve given her the world and she was willing to throw it away to see what’s out there in the world. And how can I make her wrong for that? I got to experience that, and she hasn’t. Now I don’t agree with it. But going back in time, that was me at some point. Although I understood doing something wasn’t good for me I still did it to see what it was like. And only after doing so much stupid shit did I want to not do those things anymore. I would have never wanted to be good if I had never been bad. I’ve always said that guys that lock down early in life end up cheating, they have never gotten their fill of the emptiness of the crap that’s out there to know how good it is to have the love of one good woman. I left a girl I had been seeing for her cause I was there and was at the point where I realized this. The girl I was with was too wild. Something fun for the short term but not for anything meaningful. This one was better cause she was willing to lock down and all her love to one good man. This ended last time, cause I thought it was me. It was me who didn’t give her all this. So I said if I ever get the chance to I’d do it right this time. And I did. She says I’m the perfect person to be in a relationship with. The perfect husband. I could have done nothing better and nothing different. But that’s not what she realizes she wants. So that’s it. I left the one that I thought was fleeting for a sure bet only to realize that there is no such thing as a sure bet in life. EVER!! And just when you think you know the rules of life, life goes and changes the game. It’s never about the destination and always about the journey. Always. She is a great person. But just not the great person that is for me. Not the one that will let me ramble on and on and actually appreciate what I’m rambling about. That will never be a thing. This leads me to conclude that she was in fact my crutch. I have this wild dream of retirement at 40 and she was my safety net. Even if I don’t make it on my own, I’ll make it because of her.

And that leads me to the big realization. That my biggest fear in life is the fear of being alone. Even more than being broke. Cause even if I’m broke and with someone I’m good. I can be scared but if I’m with someone I’m good. Always filling my time with stuff to do and people to talk to cause I just don’t wanna be alone. Some fear death, I fear being alone. And it’s something I need to come to grips with. It’s my demon. It’s like being lone is wrong and something that needs to be fixed. That’s a whole other thing though cause I tend to make a lot of things and people wrong. She is wrong for breaking up with me. When in reality she just did what she thought was right. Right or wrong it’s what happened. The story I make up is what’s wrong. I am not whole and complete if I’m not with someone. Something must be wrong with me if I’m alone. And I make that wrong too lol. I have not put in the work that it takes to get over that. I have not had my moment of shedding that baggage.

I’m grateful though, I really am. Even in my hurt I’m still grateful. God is self and self is love. Only the brain and its patterns make us do the crazy things we do. Why love a person unconditionally when they will not give you the same love back? Cause self doesn’t require anything. It has everything. It gives love freely without asking for anything in return. It doesn’t require thanks. Or anything. Nothing. Only the brain, the ego, all the machinery. That’s what needs it. Needs something in return. When the act of giving love is all self needs. Nothing given back. Love is always a stand for someone. The only thing is, will someone be occupying that stand when you need it?

We’re a stubborn species. We are who we are because we always need to find another way. We want to find out for ourselves and no one can tell us anything about how it is. I genuinely believe now that we are destined to waste time. The whole, oh had I known this I wouldn’t have wasted so much time. That not even a thing. That time MUST BE WASTED!! Life will never turn out if we don’t. We would not be here on this earth if we didn’t. We push the limits constantly, we test the boundaries. It’s human nature. It’s the human condition. I mean where would we be without it?! I dunno. Not here.

Yeah I dunno what to say right?! Lol. I have a lot to say. And I do this out loud. I think out loud. As good as she is a person it really was the right relationship for the wrong reasons. And I felt it too I just didn’t act on it. Why? I’d rather be in the wrong relationship as long as it’s a sure thing than go out and find the right thing. At some point I got scared. At some point I realized that maybe I can’t have everything I want. That chasing a fairytale is for Disney. The unicorn doesn’t exist. Oh and neither does Santa Claus. And it’s a sad reality to come to grips with. No matter what we have grown up with, we will always have good and bad. Bad needs to exist for good to. I loved her with all her crazy. All of it. Even if she woke up a 4, turned into a 9, and went to sleep a 5. It was all good. Total acceptance. I think that’s love. At least it’s the closest I ever been. I might not know what love is but I do know what it’s not. And what it’s not is what we think it is. Life is an illusion. Smoke and mirrors and then it’s the show is over. You can’t have it all. You can’t bet on all the numbers on the roulette wheel. Well you can but you’ll never get ahead. You have to take chances even knowing the outcome can be grave. It’s what life is. Just a big game of chance. You’ll never know till after. Everything is revealed in the end. But you can’t ever have a second chance. Cause even if you do get it, you’ll still do the same thing!! Every single time! It’s never about whether you win or lose but that your playing the game. The best you have to hope for is you make it out of this life with one person who you can trust with your life. Someone that will never stab you in the back. Love you unconditionally no matter what kinda crazy your in that day or week or year! A wise man once told me that if you make it out of this life with one true friend then your a lucky man. And I really get that now. I didn’t then cause I had like 10000 “friends” but I get it now. A hard lesson to be learned. So many lessons along the way of life. Hopefully they are not learned when it’s too late.

So it’s about a week into the new year and I’m finally getting around to putting some thoughts down on paper. I haven’t even been writing in my journal. I’ve fallen a bit behind on my routines that bring be peace. This is one for sure! 
So my mind has been preoccupied lately. Ever since the last week of the year, I got back into checking on stocks. Something of a hobby for me, but with the goal of becoming a day trader in time. I’ve dabbled a bit here and there but nothing serious. Last year before the breakup I had a few grand in some random pot and Blockchain stocks and was making some headway when the breakup happened. That’s when all the money in the world wouldn’t make me feel better if I didn’t have this girl back in my life. So I just gave it up and left the stocks in there. The last week of 2017 I checked on them and they had tripled. Which made me feel worse, not better!! Had they lost tons of cash I’d I tried, it was fun, and that’s that. But they didn’t. In fact, the ones I was watching…. Some has gone up 1000%!! Which made me want to get back in, but now I did t have the cash for it cause I was way over leveraged to get the house done. With the house not done yet, I still didn’t have the cash to transfer to get going again. So as you can imagine, I’ve been beating myself up about it. So much so that it’s creeping into my dreams and affecting my sleep and my mood in general. I’m greeting almost depressed lately. Like I failed. But not like I tried and failed, that I have no issues with. But more like I didn’t try hard enough. I missed the boat, missed the opportunity, the writing was on the wall and I ignored it! And now I’m kicking myself over it. Same feeling I got when we broke up. I wanted her back so bad, to try again. Try hard. Not take her for granted. Go back in time almost and try so hard. So if I fail I can say I gave it my 100% best! It that’s the case the I  can’t be upset. The thing that upsets me is that I don’t try!! I’ve never tried. I’ve always just skated by and not really tried that hard. And it’s always been scenting that’s bugged me. Wasted talent. I get really upset when I see others wasting their talent and it’s clear that it’s projection. It’s cause I’m upset at wasting mine. 

Also, I feel like I’ve been stifled. Held back. I have never been able to save so I could never invest. Something bigger at play. Self sabotage. Back when I was a child it was my parents or my brother. Someone else. But now it’s me. I stifle myself. I don’t try hard enough. I have 40 inventions I’ve come up in my head and yet have taken no action on even of them! An idea not acted on is the same as nothing! Nothing!! At this rate they will all come with me to the grave haunt me. Why have I not acted? I’m not entirely sure yet. Only guess is my character is not ready for that kind of cash yet. For retirement. I work now and I have an amazing job which I enjoy that makes me plenty of money. Had I saved up for a few years I would have been half way to retirement. Had I put the money in these stocks when I wanted to a few years ago I would be totally retired. Had I invested in the ones I wanted to months ago, I’d be half way there already by now. Yet my character is not allowing me to attract this type of wealth. I’m not ready to draw it in. 

Generally in life, things work out for me. Generally lol. Some things haven’t, but even those have gone exactly how they needed to go to get me to a better place. Even though I didn’t see it that way when they were happening. So the only thing I can assume is that this is another one of those things. I can’t know why. I could be that general, my family believes that stock markets are like casinos. In for one person to win someone else has to lose. And that goes against what we believe in. I do believe in a greater being, God, the universe, a power, whatever you call this being. And I believe that this being is always looking out for me. Could this be too much for me to handle right now? Could it be that doing it this way would be the equivalent of playing my bet on red and winning and walking away with a fortune only for it to hurt me down the road? Maybe. I’m just not sure. The one this I know is that I don’t want to lose. I don’t want to fail in life. I’ve always believed I’ve been destined for greatness. To be wealthy and help the world. A philanthropist of sorts saving the planet and its inhabitants. Am I too younge for this? Do I not have the ability to control all this right now? Would it drive me to doing bad ass shit where I would neglect my abilities? Not sure. But I know I always wanted to be rich younge. Drive sweet sports cars when I can enjoy them and not when I’m the old guy in the corvette. I never liked those guys. But can my character support this yet? I don’t know. I thought it could but it’s clear that it can’t.

Generally, I’m the type of person that starts the game and never finishes. And this is another one of those things. I started looking into the stock market but never finished. Never off the ground. I start a book and never finish it. So few do I ever. Most of them have bookmarks in them. I am also not focused. I want to do so many things that end up not doing anything at all! My father is the opposite. He starts and finishes everything. Never things undone. I’ve always wanted to be like him. Yet I value myself very little. Like I just can’t do it. Not good enough or not smart enough or whatever. Just not enough. And I for sure have a ‘not enough’ complex. There’s just never enough. Coming from a place of lack. We never grew up with lots of money so I’ve always wanted and couldn’t get. Then I got a job so I can have money to make my dreams come true. Instead of saving the money and investing and creating and inventing, I did nothing but have a good time. Spent like it was going out of style and never saved anything. I did buy a house so I guess that’s one thing I did right. Of course the GF, she’s definitely one thing I right. I have no doubt that we will be successful in the end and wealthy but I want it now! I always want it now. Short term vs long term. I have no patience and I’m learning all about it. 

I started reading this one book, recommended by the CEO of a very successful Corp the GF is a part of. Crazy enough, they invest people’s money and give then crazy amazing returns. As secure as anything is gonna be in this world with a 10% return. Obv this brings me back to blame as had I had the money saved up, I could have thrown then into the stocks I been watching, turned 10k into 100k, then that 100k into a million. Took that million and invested it with her @ 10% return and BBAAMMM!! 100k a year to live on! I wouldn’t quick my job but I’d have 100k coming in every year to invest, buy a house, whatever. Build the empire. But no such luck. Oh yes, the book. It’s called “The richest man in Babylon”. Such simple principles and yet no one needs to follow them, least of all myself. If only I had a time machine!! Lol right? I’m sure 90% of the world would love one of those!! 

So your thinking…. Wtf is this guy talking about?! I’ll tell you what I’m talking about. Ever since I’ve been a kid I’ve always been fascinated with the fact that my father’s reflexes were actually actually faster than that of a cat’s. That might seem bizarre but it’s all true. This is a man that’s grown up in the scariest most hostile conditions this planet has to offer and somehow rose to the surface like the cream does with milk when you shake the shit out of it. Essentially you subject the milk to a hostile environment, and the best it has to offer rises to be liberated, while the rest (at one time in the past) would be swine food. Or at least that’s what my GF’s grandma tells me, yes she was obviously a milk farmer. Moving on….. My father’s reflexes. And yes he knew it, and would point it out every time. This would always happen when he or one of us would drop something. If he was in the vicinity, he would reach out like a lighting bolt and snatch whatever it was out of the air before it had a chance to drop on the ground. Comes in really handy if whatever your dropping could, well, cause damage if smashed. And I’ve always been fascinated with that. So I practiced and practiced and practiced. Until I was in my late teens, and I was there. Fast, boy, fast. Like lightning fast. The crazy part is its all reaction. All “IT”. Neuronal pathways trained to react in a certain way. Neurons firing together wire together so their reaction is hardwired. And all it takes it practice. And since I keep it up, it’s still present. I’m at the ripe old age now of 36 and I’m standing in front of the microwave heating up some leftovers. I open the top off of a kefir bottle, I start drinking, I drop the lid from about chest height. By the time the lid is about thigh height, I’ve already caught it, still drinking my delicious organic kefir. I put the bottle down, put the lid back on, and walk away. As you can imagine, everyone around is stunned. Movie scene like. Yeah, it was gangster. I have to admit, even I thought it was pretty badass. Something Ethan Hunt might do, not think twice about, walk away while everyone around raises an eyebrow wondering, who is this guy?!

As much as I’d like to say I wrote this to brag about my speed and abilities, it was a moment of realization. That no matter what you want to do in life, whether it’s physical or mental, with time and training, you can achieve any goal. The brain will adapt and the body will aid in whatever it is you want to achieve. Anything!! The only obstacle? Ourselves. Lack of patience. The inability to see more than what’s present in short term. It’s not faith, it’s science. Practice something long enough and your brain and body will start to morph into that which you are practicing. In time obviously. Now the only thing is….. It has to be intentional for it to have enough significance to alter your brain/body. So set the intention, then take the action as if it was the way it already is. The whole “fake it till you make it” approach. Cause in reality, there’s no such thing as fake as long as you recognize that your the creator. Any way of being is just that, a way of being. And when you know that your the creator, any way of being you create will always be authentic. It doesn’t even matter WHAT you create, it’s THAT you create. And the first time it’ll seem 100% fake. But stick with it knowing “fake” is not a thing when your a creator. Everyone starts from nothing. So enjoy the process and relish in the fruits of your creation!!

Happy creating!!

I am not defined or characterized by the person that I am with. I am my own man. I should have taken that lesson from my father a long time ago, but obviously I have not. And its about damn time I did. I have always identified by the people I am around, my friends, my family, but most importantly, by the person I am dating. They also had to be attractive, because only cool guys date attractive women. They had to be fit, well because only losers date fat girls. And the list goes on and on and on. Stemming really from humans ultimate fear of looking good and avoiding looking bad. I would always fuck a fat girl, ugly girl, or any other kind of girl, but I never wanted to be out in public with them. So any time I was dating a girl, or having any serious relationship with any girl at all, it was always a must that they fit into some category, as it would define the person I am. Not I’ve skipped the last few weeks, as they have been instrumental in getting me to this point right now, but as time unfolds, you will be able to piece together what transpired throughout those few weeks. Christie and I are back in negotiations into our relationship. We are not at a point where neither of us are seeing, fucking, sucking, licking, or even entertaining anyone else. We are both pretty adamant about making sure anyone that wants to have anything to do with us, that we are unavailable at this moment, and possibly for the rest of time. So what happened you ask? Well that’s a long long story of defeat and triumph. The Phoenix that rose from the ashes to reclaim all that was his, but in a better, stronger, more powerful version. After all, the phoenix can never become unless everything is burnt to a crisp, and it was. So where are we at now? Well that’s the interesting thing, and the reason for this particular post. During our breakup, we saw other people. I fucked some, she sucked some (and licked a few assholes as well), which obviously didn’t matter at the time as my focus was on attracting her back to me. Well that’s happened. And now? Well not its become an issue. Not a logical or rational one, something I have to mention. Yes, I know what your thinking…. im being ungrateful, and I am. Really I’m just being an immature child, and not the mature grown man that I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. And I see that clearly. Shit you can tell by how I look to know this. I have attachment issues. If not people, its to thoughts and ideas, even mental images. I get attached. And ever since a couple weeks ago I became attached to the thoughts of her being with other guys during the breakup. Facts are, we broke up. On her end there was no intention of ever getting back together, so she moved on and started dating others, and with dating comes sexual acts of course. So then why be hung up? Well because I was clearly not moved on, and still emotionally attached, as you’ll see in the future as the story is revealed. Which brings me to this… If I am my own man, confident in my ways and who I am and what I want, then all there is to know is that I lost someone, manned the fuck up, and got them back. I got what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, even better than before. Not from her end per say, but on mine. She is still the amazing person she is, but I have become a better man for it. 3 months of agony transformed me and gave me the tools I needed to become a better person for myself, and everyoned around me. More apt to be in an actual relationship, bringing a whole person as opposed to half a person who’s looking to be completed. But as long as I keep holding onto things she did during the break up, its a clear indication that I have more work to do, as a whole person is not bothered by reality or how things are, or could or should have been. A whole person is complete no matter what the other person is or was. This does not reflect on a whole person in any way shape or form. Especially since I’m also a person that has collapsed morality in with so many other things including sex and sexual acts. Combine that with 50 thousand years of evolutionary programming and for someone like me its like being sabotaged by my own brain. The very thing that wants to keep me safe and alive is working against my progress and happiness. After all, my brain wants certainty, safety, security. It doesn’t give a fuck about happiness, joy, fulfillment, love, or any of those things. It wants me to stay alive, and that’s it! Essentially my brain is a future predicting machine that’s taking past experiences and charging them with the emotion experienced in those moments to ward of anything in the future that looks or feels anything like those past experiences. Those being negative of course. Anything that spells uncertainty has to be eliminated and it will employ everything last weapon in its arsenal to make sure it happens. So what do I do? Well, anytime one wants to succeed, they must rise above the level of what we deem as ourselves. In reality, its our limbic system in charge and making sure we do what we must to live. Combine that with our super advanced cortex and it spells anything but possibility. One really can achieve self mastery, but that takes a lot of discipline and a lot of practice. At what you ask? Not listening to our brain! Not taking our own advice! Well the one that involves anything but fact that is. Emotions cloud judgement because they are formed in the heat of the moment by a situation that’s already happened in the past. So when something on paper looks great, but your still hungup on something that doesn’t even seem like it should hang you up, then that’s a clear sign. Me for example, being hungup on something that happened when I was not in the picture, essentially like meeting someone for the first time all over again, I would be hungup on any past relationships shes had or what shes done in them, as I’m only here for the present and future. Meaning, I’m hungup based on programming. Essentially not difference than being in the matrix. Programming the machine to do whats required for the greater good, And in this case, the greater good is my survival. Except the matrix doenst see that the times have changed and we now live in a civilization and not alone in the woods anymore. When Freud says we have the Id, the Ego, and the Superego, well it might seem science fictiony, but in reality, its like having 3 entities in there all trying to do the same thing but they just cant seem to agree. So the dominant one wins during whatever situation. Its the story of the good wolf and the bad wolf. Whichever one you feed, will always dominate the other. There’s a story in that for another day. Point being, we are conflicted at times by trivial things. But in the end, we are whole and complete and perfect and we never need to anything else outside of ourselves to be the person we want to be, we already have it. So whomever you date does not define who you are. If likes to lick assholes, then it has nothing to do with you in that it defines who you are for being with her. All it means is that she’s going to lick your asshole too! And what a glorious thing that is!! So drop the irrationality of what happened while you were not present at the party, and enjoy! Get your dick sucked dry of every last drop. Have your balls in some pretty girls mouth and feel all the goodness that it has to offer. And for fucks sake man, get your asshole eaten out so good that it makes you wanna cum like the water fountains at the the Bellagio!!! Life isn’t so serious, so enjoy it and don’t make it mean anything. At the end of the day, life is really empty and meaningless, so live as such!

The sauga of Christie as my GF is officially over. Well in my heart. Do I love her? Of course. Do I want to be with her? Of course. But we all knew it had to end at some point. And that point was today. Today has been quite a day to say the least. Started off with me going nuts in my head. Unable to get her out. Had some really good talks on the phone. Had some good talks in person. Talked to Christie 3 times on the phone. The last of which I told her everything else I had inside. I even wrote a thing to tell her. Then at the end she spelled it out in no uncertain terms. She lost the obsession with me. Which later on in the phone call preceeding it with my seminar manager, she spelled it out that what I have for her now and what she had for me then wasn’t love but attachment. Something the Buddhist is the one thing we need to let go of. She does love me. We even ended the call like that. I love you bye. But not in an obsession attachment kind of way. Like fam love kind of way. And I want settled. Till I got the call from my seminar leader. And she explained it all. I felt better after. Kinda sad tho. On paper we make the best couple. Allstars. And she even knows that the feeling at the beginning fades. And only true love remains. But the sad part is her chemicals are raging strong and she thinks that that’s love. That’s what she needs. She needs the attachment. And that’s so sad. We make the perfect couple on paper. Have the same ideas about life and where we want to be. And loves me to death. But needs the attachment. And that is never permanent. The only thing that leads to is sadness and misery. And my heart hurts cause of it. For her. But she has to find her way in life like I must. I offered her the world. Unconditional love and devotion. Affection. Intimacy. And time. All of it. The kind of love that will outlast the ages. And instead, she wants attachment. They say that the beginning feelings you get to a person is feuled by chemicals. And what settles out of that is true love. They say that if you can picture yourself with a person 50 years down the road then you know you found it. Maybe I found it. Maybe I didn’t. At the beginning she was attached and I wasn’t. I had real love for her. Then the tables turned and she broke her attachment and I started mine. The love is there. But now the attachment on both our parts is over. And I made sure of that today. After that I had a long talk with jillian about business. We’re gonna give it a go to create the empire we want. And it’s gonna revolve around her knowhow and my vision. It’s gonna be one helluva empire! No name yet but you’ll hear about it soon enough. It’s gonna be huge! So right in time, a lovely lady friend msgs me at the end of the day and wants to come by. She does. And shit went fucking ddoowwnnnn!!! And with one stroke it was over. Erased. Attachment broken. I’ve resisted this for months now since the breakup date cause I always had hope it would reignite. But obv by the talk we had today that doesn’t look like a possibility. And I’m not sure if it’s even the right thing that was meant to be. I wanted out of it so long ago. Months. But could never do it. Saying if I could have her as a friend it would be amazing. I got it. Then didn’t want it and wanted back into the fold. Well now I forcibly got what I wanted. And that’s the way it has to be. And I’m OK with that. Right now at least lol. Who knows about tomorrow lol. Tomorrow is another day. The key to living fully is to be in the moment. Living by choosing to be there moment by moment. Choosing each moment as it is and nothing more. There really is nothing in life other than this moment that we have right now. One more might not be granted. And anything other than dully choosing to be in each moment in all its greatness and sadness is a waste of life. If you don’t choose to be where you are right now, then you’ll never be. Ever. With that said a new beginning is created. Once we choose the moment we are in then we can be complete with it. And once we are complete with it then we can create the space to create anything we want. Anything. We can be anyone or anything we want. But as long as we hold on to the past of the future then we can never ever be anywhere. Cause we’re not there. Not present. It’s good to have goals dreams. But the moment is really all we have. Why do you think so many people are never satisfied by by the carrot they are chasing? It’s cause they never get it! You will never ever ever get that carrot. And the moment you think you got it then you really must stop and think about it. That carrot doesn’t even exist. It’s not real. Only the moment you have exists. The carrot is the final destination. And in life there really is only one final destination. And that’s death. So if you think you got the carrot then you really have no idea what that carrot is. There’s only the road. There’s never the destination. Only the road exists. That’s the road of happiness. To truly be free you must embrace the road and the journey. Be in the discovery. Not in the know. As there is nothing to know. Nothing figure out. It’s a mystery. The moment has to happen and then the choice has to be made, not the other way around. There is no answer, be in the exploration. Stop trying to figure it all out! And listen. People talk but we don’t even listen to what they’re saying. We always give them what we think we want from them and not what they as asking for. Even when you think you have it figured out, you don’t! There’s nothing to figure out! Choose the confusion, being the jerk that has to figure it all out. Choose to be exactly where you are right now at this very moment and nowhere else. In the pain, in the grief, in the sorrow, in the happens, in the joy, in the madness, in the chaos. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. No story. Just fact. The fact is I’m sitting outside in my zero chair on a cool August night listening to the sounds of nature weaving this tale for you to read. And I’m choosing to be here right now. No where else. This is my choice. I choose this. And I’m free.

Wow, I was ready to give it all up. All of it. Hand it over. Hand my life over to her. And she still didn’t take it. How crazy is that? I’m not saying I still won’t if the time comes, she’s my drug. The feelings she made me feel are so addictive. It’s crazy. It’s the fight maybe. I don’t know but I don’t wanna make a story out of it. Like wtf I don’t even like flavored non-dairy creamer!! I notice this about myself. I don’t have an identity. I take on whatever identity of the person I date. So why did I act like that? Cause she acted like that. I’m a mimicker. I met her. She has hi goals and dreams. I figured I’d ride it out. I’ll take hers on and move on. Perfect right? Well she was still hung up. No wonder I didn’t have any self expression. Not her fault. Mine of course. But not even a fault. Jusg the way it is. How could be intimate with this girl and give her the connection she wants if I don’t even know who I am anymore. Lost. I felt so alone. She was the sum of a lot of things I liked. But something was still missing. How can I love her if neither her or I love ourselves? Not possible. Laura, Chelsey, Jaylene, Becky, Jillian, Carla. In no particular order. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. In my moments, I leaned on you and you gave me all the love and support I needed. But not just that. You gave me insight and wisdom to correct my course of action. In time, I will be good with this. Growth. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And I can’t get that there. Maybe in time. But not now. Maybe things will turn around. Maybe they will keep moving forward. I can’t tell. But I can’t tell the future. Well not always. I have no control over the past or future. Only thing I can control is my feelings in the moment. My behavior. My actions. In the moment. That’s it. My context. That’s it. Re-context the situation and it looks way different. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Be careful what you wish for. 2 lines I think of when thinking about us. She wants the green grass on the other side. And I wished for this for so long. And now we’re both there. Maybe forever miserable lol. But I have faith. Faith in action. Put in the work and you have no choice but to receive the rewards of it. That’s it. Can’t meditate one day and expect things to change. Only after a week of it does one feel the change. Over the last couple weeks, ever since the beginning of mercury retrograde, I’ve been down and out. So it’s led me to have many mmaannyyyy conversations with the aforementioned individuals. They have held me up and smacked me around. All for me. I must be the most blessed man on the face of the planet. And yes I do owe it to God. I know God is a taboo subject now but without Him in this life I would have been so fucked up and so fucking far astray. Why I loved being with her is a whole other post. Action, adventure, companionship, partnership, beauty, intelligence, growth, dreams coming true, wealth, early retirement…. And the list goes on and on. And yes, all those were for me. Not her. So what’s missing? LOVE!!! Saying you love a person doesn’t mean shit. If you don’t show it, there’s no action. If there’s no action, no amount of words in the world will make a difference. I see that. I see that now. Maybe too late to salvage. But not too late to salvage myself. It’s said that one needs to precipitate a crisis in order to achieve true growth. True lasting growth. And this is my crisis. I haven’t had a crisis in a while. I didn’t even know what a crisis feels like anymore. And now I do. Very well actually. And this is my growth period. I have a love/hate relationship with growth. I love the feeling after but I hate the growing pains. It’s like the burn at the gym when real growth is about to happen. It’s a terrible feeling in the moment but the feeling after is exhilarating! Can’t approach the problem from the same state of mind as the solution. Or visa versa. It just won’t work. But that’s way easier said than done. This whole time I’ve been focusing on the problem. What I did. What happened. And it needed to happen. I need to wallow in it. Only way to do it. Eventually solution time has to come.

We were so perfect for each other…. What the hell happened! Was it all an illusion? Now I think back on it, I’ve never met anyone that I could talk to so easily as I did with you at the beginning. And then a couple months into it I found myself not able to talk to you at all, bottling everything up for some reason. Why? Why did we fight so much? Why did we let the best thing to ever happen to us get so messy? I don’t get it. What went wrong?

I can’t even remember anymore. I know at the beginning I was so crazy in love. I would talk to you for 3 to 4 hours after work in the car on the phone, I don’t even know what we talked about! I can’t even imagine us talking for that long anymore. I wonder if you actually really wanted to talk to me again all then or was just enduring it. Cause that’s how it seems have been for a while now. Just enduring. A couple months into it and you would just endure me talking, but not for more than 3min or you lost interest. What happened? How did it go from 3 hours to 3 min?

I feel like I have so many questions. So many. And yet no answers to any of them. What went wrong? How did did the slop begin? The slide down to whatever we are now. We don’t even say good morning or goodnight to each other anymore. You were the first person I wanted to talk to and the last. And then…. Idunno. I question all this to know if it was me that did all this or if it was you. Or both. Was it not meant to be? Was it all a delusion? Were we just not right for each other and yet we pushed through? Or was it perfect and we just wrecked it? Our dreams were aligned. Our futures aligned. I really did want to marry you. In time I would have even wanted kids maybe. I was willing to compromise so much of what I has thought I wanted to have you, to keep you. And yet I felt like I was losing myself in the process for some reason. At first I felt so free and then I felt so trapped. I felt so alone at times for some reason like you just didn’t understand me. I always felt like your heart want really in it. But I loved how much you loved me. I lived the obsession you had with me. It fueled me. Made me feel amazing. Made me feel whole. Wanted. Needed. It was an amazing feeling. And now I feel empty. Alone. I wish I could have back what we had agreed that start. But then I think, was it even real? Was it just how it is at the beginning. We went from talking so much about everything to the only thing we did was fight. At some point we just stopped talked and started fighting. I don’t even remember what we fought about. It seems so trivial now. Why did we even fight? What was the point of all the fighting? Why did we disagree on so much?

In 3 years you’ll be a totally different person than you are now and maybe I had a feeling that that person you’ll be will be a different person, someone who’s more understanding of who I am, of who we are. You’ll see things differently and react to things differently. I always felt like you compared me to all the others. Got punished for all the mistakes all the others have made. I didn’t like that or feel like it was fair. I felt so much resentment for what others have done. I didn’t know how to relieve you of all that. Tried so hard. I wanted us to work so bad. I was so set, so adamant that we were the one! The fairytale relationship that all others envied. Maybe it was all for show. I don’t even know if I was happy. I know I was at the start. But then it just dwindled into so many other feelings. Then got in the way. So many other things got in the way of us. It’s like the entire universe was trying to stop us for some reason. Why? Why was it just not a bit easier? Smoother. I wonder what would have happened had we not done Belize. Or at least not done it for so long. Was it just an illusion? Was the fantasy of it more than reality? There was so many expectations. So many rules. So much had to be perfect for us to keep going that anything less than would be unacceptable. You hated me giving any attention to anyone else and now I barely give you any attention at all and that seems OK. I don’t get it. I feel like I wanted out for a while and then once I got out it doesn’t feel right. Not at all. It just doesn’t feel right that we’re not together. Planning our future. Planning our life together. Forever. Dying in each other’s arms when we’re old. The epic life we thought we be just isn’t anymore. It’s evaporated into nothingness. You used to love my corny ways of making you laugh. My silliness. And now you just face palm and write back…. Oh God lol….. Same your head. Disapproval. I do recall that feeling. Being less than. I felt so much more than. You mad when feel like a king. And then you made me feel like a popper. The child in me kept letting you down. Felt small. It’s weird that works. One person can you feel like a giant and then make you feel so small. I’ve always wanted your approval I think. The ones I love I always needed their approval for some reason. I always wanted to make you happy and could never. Or at least that’s what it seemed like. You were happy being in a relationship but not happy with me. I always felt like a placeholder. And now it’s all come true. It’s all been realized. You’ll go through some stuff now and then I time you’ll find the one you need to be with. And in time all this will subside. The letters will stop. The feeling will die down. I’ll think back in our find moments and laugh about our fights. But we will not be anymore. I’ll wonder if I could have done anything different. If there was something I should have done to keep you. I’ll realize the mistakes I made and wished I could have done things differently. If I had just stuck around long enough, I’d say. If I comprised a little more. I’ll blame myself. Like I always do. I’ll run my rackets and weave my stories. And in the end I’ll be as I am.

Ramblings

Posted: May 28, 2017 in Random Rants, Trials of Life

Have you ever wished that there was a sound track to life? Well I have, very much so actually. And looking back on life I realize that there kinda is. Those songs that you heard doing certain things or with certain people, maybe during a breakup or an amazing night that ends the next day and the same song comes on a few times and becomes the sound track of the night, then the soundtrack of the month, the season, or even the year. I love that. 2017 soundtrack was A drake track, Feel No Way. I was wondering what the soundtrack track was gonna be for this year and its been discovered, a few days ago in fact. About 4 days ago I heard Drake’s Passionfruit and was thinking, wow that’s a great breakup track. I bet I’ll sing it to Christie sometime for karaoke or something and get a kick out of it from her. Well little did I know 2 days later it would be on repeat cause we actually ended up breaking up. So the track of 2018 is that. Funny cause its like deja vu. Last year I played feel no way on repeat cause of the girl I broke up with because of Christie. Happened around the same time too, just a few weeks earlier in the year. And both breakups were because of her. That’s messed up shit. I feel bad for anyone reading this post or if you signed up to be notified via email when I post something new, because all the last little bit has been is negative down gloomy writings. And now with this huge event in my life, its gonna beĀ one fuck of a sad story. Me venting, pouring my heart out on to these digital pages (and maybe a few tears as well). Real sappy shit, so I apologies in advance and wont be hurt in the least if you unfollow. Its gonna get messy for a bit, after I’m done stewing in my own BS for a bit. Be careful what you wish for in life, cause you just might receive it! And everything you receive you attracted. And yes I know this very well. If IĀ didnt, this is very stern reminder, yet once again!! Thank you life!!

So some sad news… The relationship that I thought would never end, had in fact ended. And no matter the hardship that was endured, no matter the fact that it was a long time coming and has long been over due, no matter the fact that we fought over everything more than we did anything else….. It’s still heart breaking. The heart is in heavy today. As was yesterday when it happened. It ended like it began, after work, 6pm phone call. Almost a year to the date too. Almost. And it almost was almost something they would have written scripts and poems and stories about. Epic. But it didn’t even have a chance. Didn’t even have the ability to take a breath. Yes, I blame 90% of it in her. Not fair, maybe not, but still. Lord knows I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried. To no avail. A 24 year old beauty stuck inside the mind of a 16 year old entitled girl from an upper middle class family that’s never been fucked over to the extent that she would know what’s good when it came. Well she did. She scooped me up quick. But in the end her heart was never fully in it. Always one foot in one foot out. Was it the religion, the race, the age, the upbringing…. I’ll never know. The fact is, it’s done. We had a super long chat last night. She asked me the same questions she always asks. And I usually answer them in a similar way. But it Distilled into her living in the future and the past and totally disregarding the present moment. The sticking point, what religion are we gonna raise our children. From a girl who when met didn’t want children. Then baby brain happens as always does, and it got sticky. I said, we would let them choose, but she wants the traditional Christian way of raising them. Even though she’s not really traditional Christian herself. So Idunno. We’re both broken up about it. Stomach is in knots. Rollercoaster of an emotional ride. One minute I’m happy and relived and the next I’m sad and lonely and lost. I don’t like it. Could I have been better? Yes of course. But then again so could she. The one thing I loved about her is her obsession with me. Even though it was suffocating it was a good kind if suffocation. If there is such a thing. Everyone in the world wants to be wanted. And she did that very well. Till she didn’t. But in honesty, I stopped wanting her quite some time ago. I can’t take stress and fighting. It ruins it all for me. Yes I could have been better. But so could she. Idunno how I would have done it differently. I honestly say I tried my best with what I had. I even did Landmark to try and improve myself and I got met with, don’t use Landmark on me! It felt like I was always losing. Always. There was definitely moments of hope in all the darkness that kept me going through it. And I probably would have continued, unhappy, to some unknown end. But it felt like it had to end eventually. It was a good run. That’s for sure. And maybe things could have ended well, but who knows. I guess I’ll never know We did end in a good note though. I told her that the one thing I’ve learned in life is that nothing is forever except death, and even that isn’t really forever if you believe. I’ve had relationships end and we stay friends and end up back together eventually. They weren’t right though so they had to eventually end. My hopes is that maybe she can figure her shit out while she’s out there on her quest for her unicorn relationship. If she does then I said that she would be welcomed back with open arms. Maybe I’ll be a different person as well. Someone more able to deal with things better. Idunno. Or maybe she would have matured and got fucked over a few times to realize that what she wants doesn’t actually exist. Who knows. Only time will tell. For now we do the friend thing. See where that goes. The thing I liked the most about the relationship is that I knew I always had someone there that was really there. Really cared. Even tho I couldn’t share everything with her and felt super lonely in the relationship it was the security of it that was nice. I was totally sacrificing happiness for security. And she’s pretty. Or everyone seemed to think so and it made me feel better about myself that I was with a pretty girl. So vain I know. I don’t know why I still can’t get over that. Why is it that I see myself in the person I’m with. My worth is dependant on them and what they look like to others. When others say she’s hot I feel like, yeah I’m someone cool got girls love me and so therefor I must be a somebody. It’s so fucked up. Insecurity I guess. That’s funny, that’s what I blamed her for. We were too much alike. Both insecure but when I was with her I didn’t feel it. But it wasn’t just her. Any hot girl. When I’m with a hot girl I feel secure. Even tho truth be told at home she wasn’t hot. Only in public with makeup to cover up the acne and all the nice clothes and what not. She just felt so fake. Like right now as we speak she’s out with her friend who she slandered over and over calling her a whore and all that, and yet she’s all happy to be there with her. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I haven’t changed anything from my routine from one day to the next and nothing has even really changed, we still message and chat and all that, and yet now that the future is no longer there or at least not in that capacity, I feel so lost. My story. It’s killing me at times. In the day at work I feel great. Home alone I feel shitty. I feel like I wanna hug her and tell her I love her and yet I also wanna scream and yell at her and tell her to give her head a shake for making such a stupid decision. It’s a messed up feeling. So turbulent!! OK so now I have the room to be with someone who will not fight with me and be peaceful but once your used to something in this life, even if it be fighting and turmoil everyday, it’s becomes a part of you. Part of the thing you need almost. Maybe that’s why she does it. She did say she fights with all her bf’s. So maybe it’s a need now to survive. Idunno. Regardless, life has been shaken to its foundation. I knew in my heart of hearts that I got the one that would never turn back. Yet I knew the day would come that it had to end. So it was conflicting from the beginning. We did have amazing moments, even though few. Those are the things I will see. I will disregard all the sadness, loneliness, and anguish that was constantly going in inside the relationship. It was a nightmare it seemed at times. So much so that I didn’t even write about it cause it would all be complaints and sadness and stress. Fight fight fight after fight fight fight. Just couldn’t get anywhere. And yet even knowing that, at this very moment I’d take her back, resent and all. Weird how that goes. As the days go on know I’ll go on more of these Rollercoaster rides of emotion until time has healed it. I can just imagine now what my ex felt like when I broke up with her when everything was working out perfectly! If this is bad then wow!!! Heart breaking!!! And she made it through. So I’m sure I’ll be fine as long as I can get outta my head and think clearly!!! We’ll see. I was really hoping the final chapter of this would end in totaly differnt way. Guess the old saying stands…. I plan and you plan and the universe makes its own plans. I had so many things planned for us and our future and I said I would endure all the bullshit so that we would get there and one day we will. And now that will not come to fruition. At least not in this moment. Not now anyways. Maybe not ever. And no matter how unhappy I was and unsatisfied in the relationship and how much I wished and dreamed this day would come, now its here and I fucking hate it. Actually hate it. Such a shitty feeling knowing that something so huge in my life has ended. Im left in an even shittier place than I was before. Or so it feels like at this moment. Crazy how emotionals spiral like that. This morning I was calming her and being there for her telling her to feel better and that it was the right thing to do, and I felt great doing that. I was over it already and ready to move on to the next chapter. And now that Im home alone with my thoughts and my stories, I feel like a bag of shit and utterly depressed and sad to no end in sight. Such a shitty feeling.