Archive for the ‘Trials of Life’ Category

It’s said that the moments of greatest revelation come from the moments of greatest despair or happiness. Some sort of peak experience in life that tears open the fabric of space and time and transports us almost to another dimension where we’re able to access something greater than ourselves, something higher, some alter self, some elevated self, the true self.

Most days we wander through life seemingly unaware of reality, of life, in autopilot droning on about this or that, taxes, bills, work, stress, girls/guys… Whatever. Trivial matters. Fleeting matters. Matters that will not be remembered a year down the road, something benign. Totally missing the very nature of life, the present, the thing that surrounds us, that gives us life, that elevates our being to some higher plane of existence that we only seem to be on for seconds every once in a while in such a rare experience that it seems almost foreign.

We run away from those moments of peak experience. We fear them. We drown them by busying ourselves with trivial matters that are like farts on tile floors. They’re heard, smelled, but within seconds or even minutes are gone, never to be remembered, utterly meaningless. So then what does one do?

Well, I can’t claim to know what to do, I’m on this journey just the same. And this journey can be feared, experienced with closed eyes, heart, and mind. Or lived. Truly lived with eyes wide open, heart wide open, and mind wide open to all that is around is. Scary is just a word. It’s a viewpoint. It’s a context. Change the context and your world changes around you!

Roller-coasters are scary to some and thrilling to others. So can you go from being scared to not? Well in a matter of speaking, yes. But what’s the solution, how do you do that? Well… This is gonna sound clichΓ© but you just do it! You be scared! Be scared as fuck! Go on, sit at the front, open your eyes, scream like hell, and be scared as fuck. And when the ride stops, you might have to go change your pants but you’ll realize you didn’t die. You made it, you crushed it, you looked fear in the eyes and took it head on. Yeah pissing yourself in the process but gives a fuck?! In a few years, it’ll make for one helluva story either way! You know what won’t make a good story? The time you chickened out and didn’t go on that ride cause you were too scared!

Life is really just a collection of stories, experiences along the way to the final destination. The more of these amazing stories the more life you would have lived. You don’t have to travel the world, you don’t have to be CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you just have to collect stories and experiences.

The best place to start is to become your own best friend. Start with yourself. Find a way to connect with your true self, chase the joy that we see all put on this earth to experience. And the quickest surest way to do that is to clear your mind and experience the feelings that are happening inside you right now. If they are sadness then feel sad, anger then be angry, don’t deny them. Let them go through you, wash over you, sit with them.

One way I like to experience them is when I am going through times like this, as I am now writing this is to just sit with them. The term is “comfortably confronting”. I’m confronted by a feeling, so I find a quiet place that peaceful, and I sit with that feeling. Be curious. Don’t judge, analyze, nothing. Just observe. Where is it in my body. What does it really feel like? Breath through that part of the body, imagine my breath is going from my lungs into that part of the body. Allow it to be there, never making it wrong.

Feelings are your compass in life. They steer your ship. Good feelings, you’re on the right path, bad ones and there’s something off. Embrace the feeling. I tend to feel lonely. Kinda why I started writing. Am I alone, not in the least. I’m surrounded by people constantly. But something is off. I tell myself it’s this or that. It’s a new Benz I need to buy or I once I have a long-term relationship or I need my hair fixed or my nose done or a million other things. But in reality, when those things happen it’ll just be something else. I won’t be able to be with anyone cause I fear being with myself. I fear being alone. Alone in this cold cold world. But that’s not reality!

The reality is that that’s the thoughts of a little boy whose mother left him alone at the house one time cause she had to go to work and from that point in was terrified of being left alone in this world. So I grew up with the fantasy of when I find my princess ill never let get go and we’ll grow old and be happy and never leave each other’s side. So had that happened?? Well yes. Multiple times. The crazy part is, it’s either me that ends it and feels alone or she ends it and I feel alone. It’s this cycle that leads to the same place. Never letting myself get what I want. Why? Cause it’s not me running the show. It’s an addiction of a little bit running the show and I’m just the victim of his terror lol. Sounds messed up right? Well, it’s reality.

The reality is I’m a grown ass man that doesn’t need shit! I have everything. But yet still feel unfulfilled. Why? Cause the things I’m going after don’t fulfill me, they fulfill the little boy. Then after a while, I wake up and realize it’s not what I want. And the cycle continues. It’s vicious as fuck!

So what’s there to do? Well, that’s all part of the journey. There’s no destination. The destination is final and not somewhere you wanna really ever get to. It’s the process. It’s the work. It’s the progress. It’s the struggle. It’s the pain. It’s the joy on getting over the pain. It’s the conquest. It’s the glory. It’s the defeat. It’s the victory. It’s all of those. Life happens in the moments between the destination. We’re always getting ready to get ready to get ready… Never really getting anywhere. Never really catching the carrot. Fucks sakes THERE IS NO FUCKING CARROT!! YOU ARE THE CARROT! life is what you make it. You’re the creator, the director, the producer, all of it! Everyone else is just an extra on your set and you get to hire and fire whoever you want!!

I write this for me, I hope you know that. This is my way of telling me what I need to hear. I’m the best advice giver but the worst advice taker and I think you can all relate. We can give everyone the best advice but can never give it to ourselves. So here I am giving it to myself. And if this helps you in the process then that makes me just that much happier!!

Much has happened in the last week…which I should just leave for another blog. A few highs, a bunch of lows, and some really fucked up news which kinda brought me peace? Yeah, it’s a whole story. And it’s one that even surprised me, I mean waking up holding a woman’s breast implant in my hand wearing woman’s pink silk pants would surprise anyone, right?! But that’s a story for another time lol

Peace & love, always & forever

Where do I even begin this?!

So I’m sure reading this blog you know very well what my intentions are here. To vent about anything and everything, and to share some knowledge and insights I’ve picked up along the way. After all, what the point of learning and growing if you never get to share them with anyone?!

So this story starts out last week on Wednesday. The ex and I have to communicate still because of a seminar we signed up for together when we were still dating and we broke up almost a month into it leaving about 7 more sessions left before the end. This last one was #9.

I message her Wednesday to find out if she still wants a ride and, the previous seminar we agreed we would go to this lounge after the next seminar. So I message, she asks if I still want to go, I said yes but suggested we grab food before instead of after since it’s our custom to do so. She responded all weird and wanted to talk on the phone. She calls and proceeds to light me, accusing me of wanting to get back together and I’m trying to take her out on a date and why am I still having out with her sisters and family and friends. I basically tell her to fuck off, she can’t dictate to me what I can’t and can’t do, that privilege was lost when she broke up with me. So we get into it. I’m confused but it’s resolved by the end of the call.

Thursday comes along, I pick her up, she’s being standoffish and weird. Not a lot of words are said. We start driving and I start into it, about the fact that we completed the relationship and we created a friendship that was good for the both of us, and she veered off from that and I’m still committed to what we created. We also agreed that if anything changes for either of us that we would recreate it. So her thing now is that her heart still has feelings and can’t move on but her mind is telling her to move on. Her feminine and masculine are basically fighting each other. So I suggest that we create us having no more communication period so that she can move on. Well, she loses it on me for that too, why am I being so extreme?! I’m even more confused now. So I’m like, fine then you tell me what you want to create and we’ll do it. She’s like, just do nothing!! Leave it the way it is, there no problem to solve and nothing to recreate. So I did. And for the rest of the ride there, I didn’t speak much, she did though. The seminar was the same, I was quiet and she talked. By the end, she was lit up and wanted to leave early so we go to the lounge and have fun. I guess me leaving her alone gave her energy and she felt great. Well, the night was amazing! We had the best time, I was like… Omg, I get my friend back!! She reminded me of all the amazing times we had and despite all the crap I went through, this was the reason I stayed with her. When she’s happy, she’s the best person to be around. So we went back to her place, slept in the same bed, woke up and I dropped her off at work. We were like besties again. I loved it!

So the next day came, the texts flew back and forth, jokes, pics, friendship renewed! Amazing right? Well, now it’s Friday. Saturday goes by. Sunday goes by. So now it’s Monday. Her sister is back from Belize and is bringing me something super delicious in liquid format πŸ˜‰. And since I haven’t seen her in ssssooooo long, worked out great that I popped by, grabbed my stuff, and hung out. So I do that. We hang at the house for a bit, I take her out to lunch as a thank you for bringing the stuff over. We hit up a super nice spot in town, one not the ex’s fave places, mine as well. So of course, she snaps a couple pics for the IG story. Not even thinking about it, she posts. And within minutes her phone is blowing up. She’s ppiisseedddd!!! Her other sister, who I also Rep Zija with, messages me being like…. Oh, sheeesss mmmmaadddd!!!! And why? Cause I’m hanging out with them. Like I told her, you can choose to leave the relationship but you can’t dictate to me what I can/can’t do. Just cause we broke up, doesn’t mean I have to break up with this whole life I have going on there now. You can leave, doesn’t mean I’m gonna leave too.

So we wrap it up, her sister has to meet the ex at 5 at her work. So I tell her I’ll drop her off but outside on the street. I’m not walking into a battle zone. So we’re almost at her work and who’s walking down the road and sees us?! Yupp!! And SHE’S PPIIISSEEDDD!!!! Red, angry, just livid. Her sister sees this, panics, opens the door and pretty much rolls out of the car while it’s moving. It was insane! The back story is that the ex is the bully of the fam and used the beat the fuck out of her growing up, so she’s a little traumatized. So when the ex is mad, everyone knows what happens!! So anyway, she rolls out of the car, I proceed to speed up, but she is watching this go down, as soon as I get close, she yells….. PULLL OOVVEERR I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!! 😀😀😀 So I do.

She gets in the car, slams the door, puts the windows up, starts going off on me. Basically, she said that after we spoke about this on Thursday and in told her that it’s her issue and she has to learn to deal with it, that in the past 2 hours she realized that she can’t. So gives me the ultimatum of, if I want to continue to hang out with her fam then her and I can no longer be friends. So I reply with “OK, got it. Anything else?” she replies with “NO” I reply with, “OK bye”. She leaves.

So I do what every man would do at this point…. I drive to her parents’ house to say bye lol. Ok not a good way to quiet a situation, but wtf, it’s already lit up, might as well pour more fuel on it, right?! So I go there, say bye, they invite me in. They know what’s up cause she’s called the house twice already losing it that they are inviting me over all the time. So we have this crazy heart to heart. So I tell them that I’m not sure what to do. I’ve asked both sisters and said: “don’t you fucking listen to her, she can’t tell you what to do!” So after telling them what’s been going on, I ask them what they think I should do. After all, I’m still a decent guy, I don’t want to cause this huge rift in the family. Her dad responds with….” well we’re just gonna have to keep this on the DL then” lmao. For her mom to say that would be normal, she’s alienated her whole fam and almost broke up her parents’ marriage multiple times and HATES her mother. So if her mom said it, I could see why. But she’s daddy’s girl and he would do anything for her. So for him to say that was like… WWHHHAAAA!!! So we agree to not post anything on social media about me being there or if ever we’re together. At the end of the day, people will always do what they want to do. You can either make it so they tell you what’s going on, or they will do it behind your back. It’s really that simple. The one thing she will never learn is that you have no control over the external world, only the internal. And her control freak nature has her trying to control and manipulate everything around her. Life around us is like sand, hold on to it too tight and it’ll slip right through our fingers. Open up your too much and it all falls out. It’s all about the cradle effect.

So a week goes by, and it’s Easter weekend. Her fam comes down to visit her grandma that lives close to me. So, of course, I get the invite to come by and spend the weekend, even sleep over. I tell them I’ll be there but I’ll sleep at my own place. So we hung out for 3 days. Every night at the end of the famjam, her sister and I would go hang out, hit the gym, have some drinks and have the most incredible conversations. Ssssooooo much came out. All the things I had no idea were the way they were. The entire time she would tell me that I’m crazy for staying in the relationship for that long, they all thought I would have left so long ago and all stunned as to how I was able to stand her for this long. I mean really the answer is easy. Love. It makes us do the most insane things. But after hearing all the talk from her entire fam, I couldn’t have been surer that I was brainwashed by love and gave up my soul to be with this girl. A heavy price to pay for such a cheap product. The fact is that I did what most haven’t been able to. I gave her exactly what she has been asking for her whole life since she was 8. And when she got it, she decides it’s not what she wants anymore. At least not yet. Figuring that I’m so hooked that she can go fuck around for a couple more years and when she’s got that out of her system she can come back and I’d take her back. Hell, she probably still thinks that right now. But the reality is this, opportunities don’t pass by like clouds. You have a chance to snatch it up as it going by, but if you let it go expecting it to be there ‘when your ready’ or wait ’till your ready’, your gonna have one helluva rude awakening when you’re finally ready to act on it.

So there we are sitting around the kitchen table talking up a storm and Grandma (not my grandma but her grandma which I’ve essentially taken as my own grandma now lol) asks when we’re all gonna go on vacation together?! So after all was said and done, we decide we’re all going to Cuba!! The whole fam, we’ll minus the ex of course lol. It’s crazy that she’s that much of a menace that her whole fam would trade me for her. Hell her own mother was like, “we’d trade your for her any day” lol. Kinda mean, yes. But I mean the truth is the truth, fuck the haters. The fact that I put up with her shit for so FUCKIN LONG is unbelievable. The old saying holds true. For every super hot girl you see, there’s at least 1 person in the world that hates her guts.

So now we’re planning this trip and we’re all on edge. Me especially. This girl still had the ability to strike fear into my heart lol. We all have no idea what to tell her. She’s asking everyone if I’m going and we’re all dancing around it. She everyone nominates grandma to talk to her about it. She so gangster. She’s had many talks with me about this. Telling me, I can’t let this girl control me or what I do. They want me to be in that fam and still come see them and they are all like, “don’t let her tell you what to do, she doesn’t control you!!

So she messages her, tells her, and even then still dances around it. But the picture is clear, or so it seems. So over the next few days, I set it all up, find the best resorts, best prices. Take care of them all. And the ex is still asking. And no one will give her a straight answer, everyone dances around it. I could be a pick and make it obvious, blast it on social media for her to see, but no. Not my style. I’m not gonna throw this in her face, not my style. So instead I’m going to go off the grid for the time being. Media blackout. So no posting anything while I’m on the way, while I’m there, or when I’m back. It’ll have to be all Throwback Thursday posts from now on lol.

Her grandma is so funny and so gangster. She makes me promise her that I will never leave no matter what the ex does. And I don’t see how I gsm now, I’m running a business with her sister, who also is a big advocate for me not ever letting her control me. But if your a man reading this and you’ve been in a situation where you fell in love with a girl so deeply, so madly that it consumed you so much that you would have done anything, even give up your own life for them…. Then you’d know what I’m talking about. It becomes a sort of a Stockholm syndrome situation. So consumed with everything about them that it totally takes over, and the man that once mighty became a puppet at the whim of a little girl. It’s a dangerous place to be.

So the tickets are booked, her 2 sisters, mom, grandma, and aunt. Me and 5 ladies lol. The story of my life lol. But as far as the relationship with the ex is concerned, that ship has sailed, in fact, that ship has sunk to the bottom of the ocean never to be seen again. And the healing begins. No contract whatsoever. It’s really the best way to go about it. Our very last seminar together, which is this Thursday was supposed to be the finale. But things have been cut short. I will not be attending, she will be getting there and back on her own. The first experience of me not being there when I said I would. Her life now does not take importance over mine. She made her bed and has to lie in it. For now, my #1 goal is to recover the masculine energy that was lost along the way. Get back to focusing on me, what I like, what I want, and what I want to be in this life. Everyone in her life essentially begged her to reconsider, knowing her and knowing what I bring to her life. But she refused and wants to go at it alone, to find her passion, to discover herself. The sad part is, she’s not going to like what she actually discovers when she reaches her stated destination. And that, is no longer my concern.

This journey of 1000 steps had to start at some point with just one. I’m not talking about my life journey, that’s a whole other one running simultaneously. We have so many journeys and so many first steps all running at once, the more we take on, the more we grow. That’s really all it is. We already getting ready to get ready. Getting ready to start a new journey, getting ready to take the next step in that journey, getting ready to end that journey, getting ready to start another journey. It’s really a never-ending process of getting ready to get ready to get ready. And this was my first step in Man Finding His Edge journey.

So I said yes. Wth, I’ll go to Cuba. This might not seem like a big deal, but in my world it’s huge. I’ve always avoided travelling to resorts cause I see it a thing for couples. Even being in a hotel room for me somewhere makes me think, I need a girl there with me. Whatever happened to me when I was younger has led me to this line of thinking. So I’ve never gone anywhere. I didn’t even have a passport before I met Christie (the ex). Which btw I’m sure grateful happened or else… Well or else 100 things, one of them is travel. So anyways. The only times since then, which has been 12 times in 2 years, that I’ve gone down south was with her or to meet her there. This time was gonna be the very first. And I didn’t expect that arriving here would be such a trigger for me but it was HUGE!!

Long story but the place I wanted to go, all the flights were booked, so had to take a different flight to another city and cab it the 4 hours to where I wanted to be. That was… Very interesting. I can’t speak Spanish, at all! I was in a cab with a man, his wife, and his child. We made lots of stops. And neither of us could speak a lick of the other’s language. Made for a lllooonngggg trip. But I really got to see a side of Cuba I bet most never get to see. And there’s not much. Literally. Shrubs, small trees, and this blood-red soil. But lots of cows! Everywhere. Cows, goats, horses…. Everywhere! I could literally count how many people I saw in cars driving on the road. It seemed like we had the whole country to ourselves. Not what I was expecting.

We arrive at the hotel, I’m met by my uncle and his Cuban wife and her family. 2 nights here, then we take off to the village and live like real Cubans live. That’s tomorrow so I’ll update when that happens.

So I check in, get a quick tour, and head to my room. I walk, close the door, and break the fuck down sssooo FUCKIN hard I can’t even describe the emotional anvil that dropped on me. Every trigger at once. The plane, the crazy cab ride, the hotel (which was a resort, even worse), the room that’s meant for 2 people with only 1 in it, the smells, the sounds, the little tiny things that looked exactly how our place in Belize looked. I just wanted to turn around and get on a plane and get the fuck out! But I knew I couldn’t. I would never let myself quit, fail that hard. But it was like being at a 7, walking into the room and dropping to a 1. I was so far out of my comfort zone, so far over the edge that I was panic mode, unable to digest everything around. At this point it wasn’t healthy, it was me dangling over the edge holding a rope. Not standing at the edge looking down, still in full control.

So I did what most men don’t. I asked for directions. I called Tracy. (If you haven’t read my stuff you won’t know who she is but Tracy is my landmark seminar manager. And quite possibly the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.) So she starts off the call with “why the fuck are you calling me from Cuba”?! I reply with, “I know, right”?! So I start talking and I’m getting so choked up, eyes welling, almost unable to make words come out of my mouth and when they did it was like a flood of gobbledygook. She slows me down, and we go into the most amazing conversation. Well, all our conversations are amazing. Legit, I go from a 1 to a 4 in 1.5 hours. And by the end of the night, I was at a 7 again. But it took help.

Why? What happened there? How did I sink so fast and come back up? Well, it’s all perspective, how we choose to see something. If 2 people had a mug in front of them, sitting opposite each other, how would they describe that mug? Or a pad of paper. Or anything really. Perspective changes with where your standing. Literally and figuratively. And when there’s something we can’t, we need a spotter to tell us what’s going on so we’re able to maneuver around or else getting out would take so much longer and would be so much harder.

For me, I needed Tracy to point some things out to me. My journey is that of rediscovering the masculine man I am that all but withered away during my 2-year relationship with the ex. I turned soft. Unsure of myself. I stepped so far back from the edge I couldn’t even see it anymore. I get like that with people I’m afraid to lose. And it’s because I give them more value than I give myself. And I had to learn to take that value back and give it to the only person that really matters in my life. Me. And that involved me stepping just far enough out of comfort zone where I felt the fear but not so far out that it gripped me. Tracy helped me to take a couple steps back and be in a place where the fear was there but not overwhelming. How? Appreciation. Being in the moment and appreciating the place I’m at as a place I need to be to grow, that was huge. It’s like the story of the crab. The crab only knows to shed his old shell and take on a new, bigger one, when he feels the discomfort of growth. It has to happen or else he’d be a little tiny crab his entire life. That discomfort is the edge. Doing something we know we don’t want to do due to fear and discomfort. We do it anyways. Let the fear be our friend. Be with the fear till it becomes an ally and not an enemy. Then and only then can we live life fully, not being pushed around by the person we “know ourselves to be” based on all of the past experiences. That person lives in the past. To be the man that lives into his future we must drop all understanding of who we think we are and allow greatness to pour into our lives from places we didn’t even know existed. What will show up will confront us, trigger us, place us on the edge. To the point that we want to step back. But we don’t. The man that lives into his future self will have to learn to have discomfort and fear be a friend, a guide, showing us that this is where the growth lies. This is the direction of our mission in life, whatever that is. The mission that will have us sacrifice even the most perfect relationship, let alone a relationship that was based on circumstances and fantasy.

So I went out with my uncle and his wife, I was in full appreciation of where I was and the brand new experience I was experiencing. Got back to the room, slept like a baby. Woke up to breakfast, coffee, and the beach. And I was good. But the goodness comes from constant work. We can’t go from a 1 to a 9 overnight without the work. The reason is that 9 isn’t insta-bliss. Without the groundwork laid down, 9 is torture! The man that is able to face his demons having done the work will be the man that laughs in his demons face, puts one arm around their neck and says… Let’s grab a drink. The man that’s at a 4 would shit himself at the same occurrence. Life happens in the work, not the destination. The work is where life fully shows up and where we fall in love with ourselves. It’s where we learn our worth and our value. Where we learn to never give discounts. You think there are discounts on a Bentley? No! Hell, they don’t even advertise! You know what your getting and they will not give you discount to bring you in or keep you.

So there I was. In the place that floods me with triggers and I was so appreciative of so much. Like not having to see if she wants to go to the beach, I just go when I wanted. Not having to leave cause she wants to. Not worried about wearing my sandals inside the room cause of the sand I track in. Taking a nap when I want. Eating/drinking when and what I want. Not having to compromise. I’m just happy I’m on a beach in nice weather. She would be complaining about how this place isn’t that nice compared to other places I’ve taken her. The whole time I’d be running around making her happy and forgetting my own happiness. And now it’s time for me to get back there. Eventually, I’ll get back into a relationship, but by then I would have learned a lot of valuable lessons. Like the lesson of, your mate should be your best friend that you have sex with. Seems obvious right? Not really. We don’t treat them or behave the same way around our gf’s as we do our best friends. Why? Well, that’s a whole other blog post! For now, enjoy the journey!

2016 came around and I met, who I thought would be my future wife. I was already seeing someone and had to break it off with her to be with this new one. Not an easy task since I was in love with the girl I had been seeing. Even though we only dated for 3 weeks, I was in love with her. But it was an easy decision to make. This one was my future. She had everything for I ever wanted in a girl. Worked out, entrepreneur, smart, gorgeous, exciting, going places. And she was a virgin at 23! True unicorn. So I bit. Dumped the old one and had my second date with the new one on the sunny beaches of Belize. Off to an amazing start. Till I started losing confidence in myself. And it went downhill from there. A year later we break up. 3 months later we get back together only to break up again. Reason? The love for myself had all but disappeared and got replaced with love for her. I needed her now. I held in on such a pedestal that I couldn’t even see what was happening. And what was happening was I had become attached to her in such a way that I needed her to give me all the things I thought I now lacked in myself.

This girl is very strong-willed. Selfish. And had to be her way. And I attached myself to her in a way that without her I couldn’t live my life anymore without her. From her, I got my importance, my validation, my love, my independence, my freedom. And now I was afraid to lose her. Cause if I lose her then I lose all the things about me I want. The way I’ve always wanted to be. With her I was strong, independent, loved. But I was using her as a crutch to fulfil the things I no longer thought could on my own. A terrible place to be. What ends up happening is me operating from a place of fear and not a place of love. In that fear state, I was very afraid to lose her so I let her get away with everything. And in the end, she ended up walking all over me and eventually out on me. I’ve only been dumped once before in my life, the very first girl I’ve ever dated and I said I’d never let myself get to that again. Also not healthy, cause that in itself is operating from a place of fear. Preventing me from so many amazing experiences. A year or so before meeting this latest girl, I met a girl who made me see that I was walled off, never allowing a girl to penetrate to my heart. So I vowed that I would open up and love like I’ve never been hurt before. So I did. And it was both an amazing and a destructive experience. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

After every time this last girl broke up with me, I was able to see something about myself that I had never seen before. 2016 came and I thought it was the year of growth, I grew so much with her. 2017 came and we broke up and I regretted not taking on all the growth possible with her. We broke up and not 2017 was the real year of growth. Definitely a year I grew a lot. But now 2018 came and were back together and I thought it would be the year I make it big. Turns out I had not grown enough. Something was definitely still missing. That “thing” that was in my blind spot I still wasn’t able to see still existed. As long as we stayed together I got what I wanted out of life, even if the “thing” hasn’t shown itself to me, cause it obv wasn’t that important. Well turns out I was wrong, and I’m not wrong often.

After this breakup, I can now say without a shadow of a doubt that 2018 Is the ultimate year of growth lmao. Sound funny? Cause it is! It’s messed up. Cause 2019 will come and will REALLY be the year of growth! The truth is that the thing I’ve always wanted in life was growth. And someone to grow with, grow together. But the reality is that growth isn’t something we can do with someone else. That’s where the smoke and mirrors of Hollywood comes in to play. We can only grow alone, and when we have grown to be the best version of ourselves is when that one that we have been searching for comes along.

WE ATTRACT WHAT WE ARE AND NOT WHAT WE WANT

So what has 2018 given me for me to make it my “year of growth”? Well, the piece of the puzzle that baffled me. The cause of the breakup of this, and every other relationship I’ve ever had. Lack of self-love. And from that lack of self-love comes lack of self-confidence. This is a strong woman that wants the strong unrepentant man that will protect her, provide the space she needs to grow, and yet put her in her place when the time comes! And I didn’t do that. And she even told me that at the end. “I wish you had put me in my place more”. Why? Cause women don’t really even know what they want. But what they always want is a man that’s confident and powerful. They need the chemistry. Without it, it doesn’t matter how amazing you are, she will walk out every single time and look for something exciting, even if it’s not the best thing for her.

Why is it that when I don’t like a girl all that much she won’t leave me alone? Cause I don’t let her get away with anything. She always knows where the door is and is always welcome to use it anytime she wants. She knows I won’t chase her and it drives her crazy! The reason this girl was so interested in me to begin with is cause we matched on tinder and I didn’t message. So she messaged me and I didn’t respond. So she added me on Instagram. I was hard to get. I want available to her like most guys would be. And she wanted more. And then once I had her I gave her all the attention in the world. And it pushed her away. I gave her respect and she didn’t want it, she wanted love. She wanted chemistry. She wants what most girls want. Well, what most humans want. The thrill of the chase. And I was in a cage now and no fun anymore. And I’m still not out from under her spell. Anyone else and they would be so done. But I keep wanted to spend time with her. And it pushes her more and more away. And it’s ok, cause this was not “the one”, but she did show me what’s available to me out there when a man like myself has total confidence in himself, and what it’s like when that man loses that confidence. And so it’s time to get the confidence back. And not for her, but for myself this time. For my present and future life. And not for my past life. This girl was amazing while it lasted, and from her, I’ve learned a great deal. And now it’s time to give myself all that love, and in the process find my self-confidence!

“You know it’s funny, no matter how shitty a time we had during whatever experience, I look back on it when I’m reminded of it and it makes happy/sad all at once. It’s a crazy feeling. (came across the McDonald’s receipt #277 from our first night in this seminar, and the super 8 motel card after we got back from Cabo) – cleaning the house. I’d never change how it turned out, wouldn’t be possible to feel those feelings if I did. And I’m reminded of how grateful I am for every experience I’m able to be a part of while I’m alive. So many never got the chance. Thanks for being a part of my experience (and a part of my corny rant lol). I couldn’t ask for a better ex gf. Thanks for being so awesome!”

Well, that’s what I wrote….but never sent. She doesn’t take too kindly to corny. Or sweet. Or nice. Or anything less than ultra masculine. Clearly we weren’t compatible lol. If you met me on the street you’d think…. What a douchebag. Clearly arrogant, douchy, high on himself. And maybe even a little intimidating. But talk to me and you’d see that those are just fronts. Inside I’m just a soft marshmallow! I love being sweet, kind, cute. It’s when I’m in my element. I’ve always been the sweet kid every aunt loved. And somewhere along the way, that wasn’t good enough. The nice guy, as they say, never wins. The douchbag always wins! Or so our world has come to witness. And why is that? The nice guy always gives up his/her power, just hands it over to anyone willing to take it. The douch knows what he/she wants and just goes after it, trampling over anyone in the way. She’s a douchbag. And as such attracts that.

So why did she attract me? Well when we met I had reverted back to douchbag mode, running through girls, diff one every night. And I wasn’t even trying. Just pulled her in. Locked her down. And then I felt safe. So I let her see me. The child inside. And it drove her away. We always seem to want the thing in life that’s the worst for us. We always want what we can’t /shouldn’t have. Oh well. So be it.

There’s always a price to pay. Everything in this life will cost, nothing comes for free. I’ve had to give up a few things in order to get more. What I’ve had to give up was the safety and the comfort of security. But is that really a good bargain? That depends on who you ask, and when you ask. Ask me this months ago and I would have said that it was. As me a few years ago and I would have said, hhheeelllsssss no!! Ask me now and I’d say the same. What I gave up, security, was all an illusion. Cause it just goes to show that there is no such thing as security. Never. Nothing in this life can be a sure thing.

Before her I was seeing a beautiful, wild spirit. An artist. A partier. Someone who didn’t believe in working for the man. Owned her own business making custom jewelry. Lived in a chic apartment downtown. Truly a wild spirit. One that seemed untamable, yet her goal in life was to be married and have lots of children. Who could ask for more, right? But I wasn’t ready. Not for her at least. She seemed flaky. Someone they could not be locked down really. She wasn’t a sure bet. As happy as she made me. As horney as she made me. As fun as she was, there was nothing there to hold on to of substance for me. I made a lot of what she was doing or thinking wrong. She didn’t seem like she had her shit together. The moment I knew she was not a forever girl was the moment she said to me…. I fall out of love as quickly as I fall in love. And I was not gonna be the guy she fell out of love with. So while we were going out I had one girl add me to Instagram, gorgeous young blond girl. I saw her profile said she was going to work in Belize and I was planning a trip there. So I messaged her to see if we can be friends so I can have a friend when I was there. Innocent. We hit it off. We would chat every day for hours and hours. I couldn’t get enough of her. Made me smile from ear to ear every day. It was fresh, new, exciting. She really had her shit together. Wanted the forever thing. Has wanted it since she was 8. Marriage, long term, forever. Someone i could count on. A sure bet. Someone that was loyal, honest, successful. She was going places. She was the one I was looking for this whole time. So I bit. And yes technicly I was cheating entertaining this idea. I Remeber the first time we met I pretty much proposed to her. I have been anti-marriage and kids forever. She told me she wanted to get married but didn’t want kids. And I was in!! Later she changed her mind but that’s a whole other story. I must not digress. So the sure thing was here. So I bit hard. Only to find out a year after that we were breaking up and she was not in love with me. And this reason was cause of me. The things I did and didn’t do. So I tried so hard, fairytale hard, fought for the love. Got her back somehow. Only for her to fall out of love again. This time it had nothing to do with me. Her whole life was when she gets the man of her dreams then she will be happy. Well she got him. I was perfect, she said. Knocked it out of the park. But when she finally got the carrot on the stick, she wasn’t happy. Turns out marriage and kids was not what she was even looking for. Rude awakening. For the both of us!!

The moral of this story is that nothing is a for sure thing. And you have to give to get. What I had to give up was everything I had in mind as where my life would go. Give up sex. Oh yeah she’s a virgin. That might explain some. Give up the way I thought kids would be raised. Give up a lot of family stuff. Give up the things that made me light up, like rambling on about some stupid subject only I care about. She dislikes rambling. Dislikes anything airy fairy. There as a lot more but I don’t want to slander as we have agreed to remain friends and not defame each other. So I gave up. I gave up so much of myself that I started to feel dead inside. Depressed. I said to myself that on the second go I’d do everything I could so that if it ends I won’t say I didn’t try and give my 100%. I did stuff I didn’t want to do. Fake. And it was no way to live. In return for what? Someone to always be there. Someone to message in the morning when I wake up, before I go to sleep. Someone to tell me they love me constantly. Constantly reassured. She would always say… Oh I love you! And I’d say it right back. It was nice. Comfortable. Safe. Warm. But I had to give up a lot.

So now we are done I have had to give up some more. But this time it’s for something else. I have had to give up my hand being held in life. The comfort and safety of a harbour. No more messaging all the time. Someone else will be doing that. Our messages will be that of friends. No more “oh I love you”. No more BABE! In that cute way she would say it. No more safe harbour. But what do I get in return? So much more. For one I finally get to have sex again! It’s been a while lol. I don’t know how I held our for that long without cheating. But I would have done anything for her. I get to devote my time not to her, but to me. My time was spent driving back and forth 3 hours each way to where she lives. Spending hours in the phone listening to her complain, telling her she was right and that it’s all gonna be ok. I get to spend more time with my family. More time with my friends. I get to find myself and look deep inside, find that thing in me that keeps me held back. Like my fear of failure. My fear of being alone. My making everyone wrong. Figuring out why I have the need to argue my point till the other person lost interest and exited the conversation. I get to have the male energy back that I lost with her. She is prone to having male energy but loves being in the feminine energy. That would rarely happen when with me. When I’m with someone I care about I soften up for them. Open my heart, do it every time cause I think it’s safe. Something most men will not. At heart, men are full of emotions. But we hide it behind a hard shell. An exterior that’s all masculine. But it’s not real. Somewhere down the line we got hurt and turned into real douchebags. And forever since, we have been hiding behind the facade. With her I dropped it. With the ones I want to make part of me, I drop it. I’m able to check my ego hard. I’m present to both energies. Im labeled as an androgen. If you saw me you’d think…. Wow this guy must be a douchebag. But you meet me and I’m actually nice, charming, sincere, honest, and the list goes on and on. But to the ones I love I’m a sweetheart. I put all that aside and show my heart. She was just not ready for that. So she’s out chasing and being chased by douchbags like myself cause that’s her type. The only thing I can’t do is give her the experience of life that is to be had young. “the slut phase”. Now she’s a virgin so her slut phase will be tame to say the least. Dates. Dancing. Partying. Texting. Highschool stuff. But it will be healthy for her. She will get to see what life has to offer when your not looking at men as just the thing to marry so that your not scared of being alone. This will allow her to ease up in life. Realize that life isn’t so serious. So for that I’m happy. And I get to keep her in my life, but just in another capacity. We still get to hangout. Still message, but not as often. And for a short time, still fool around.

In the end I really come out of this as the winner. I get to keep the absolute best parts of her. While getting to be out in the world, meeting other woman. Exploring life again. Learning more about myself. Something I have been blind to for so long. Focusing on being the success that I have always wanted to be. Taking responsibility for all my actions. Learning to have more integrity. Being unleashed again on this world.

OK, rambling lol. Once again, the moral of this story is that you need to give to get. What I wanted from her I couldn’t get without accepting some things I didn’t want to. And now what I get, I have to give up some other good things. I have to give up something to get something else. But really I come out of this as the winner, even if it’s not about winning or losing. And for once I get to do the work to not being afraid of being alone. Not afraid of failing. Not make others wrong and push them away. Who the hell wants to be around someone who constantly tells them they’re wrong. I see it when I go back home. My parents have been married for almost 50 years and only till after my parents were married did my mother realize that she resents him huge for making her wrong all the time. They have a miserable relationship now. I don’t want to be that. And I know I resent her already. Cause of all the things I make her wrong for. This might sound bad, but when she had her health scare all I could think about was….. See I fucking told you this would happen if you keep putting garbage into your body! I don’t learn this the first go. And obv didn’t learn it the second go. She was just wrong. She was wrong for breaking it off, and now she was wrong about eating what makes her happy to eat.

Ask yourself, would you make a person wrong if you knew they weren’t gonna be in your life forever? The answer will probably be, NO. Now that comes from a place of not giving a fuck. But what looks like that too, is love! True love is a space where someone can fuck up and do whatever they want and learn and grow. Now in a relationship that’s going to last, you can’t just do whatever you want cause there’s a whole other person that will be affected by your actions. So although love is free, reality will always catch up and be a factor.

So for now, the only way to get the thing that looks like love, is to get the thing that isn’t. The thing where people just don’t give a fuck about you. It’s fun, it’s light, and no one will ever tell you what to do. And for someone that has a huge huge hhuuggeee issue with being told what to do, that’s gonna be just perfect!!

For me…. Well the journey begins again. On the hunt. But not for a woman to make me feel secure or safe or that I have succeeded. But the hunt for myself. The hunt for my freedom. To find the holy grail of self. Be in touch with my higher self. The one that has no fear. The one that is not affected by circumstances. That one that is perfectly ok with being alone in this world. The one that’s responsible for their own success or failure. The one that is calm and cool in the face of all adversity. Unshaken. Unafraid.

I shall leave you now with something Seneca said…

“The happy man is not he whom the crowd deems happy, namely, he into whose coffers mighty sums have flowed, but he who’s possessions are all in his soul, who is upright and exalted, who spurs inconsistency, who sees no man with whom he wishes to change places, who rates men only at their value as men, who takes nature for his teacher, conforming to her laws and living as she commands, whom no violence can deprive of his possessions, who turns evil into good, is unerring in his judgement, unshaken, unafraid, who may be moved by force but never moved to distraction, whom fortune when she hurls at him with all her might the deadliest missile in her armoury, may graze, though rarely, but never wound. For Fortune’s other missiles, with which she vanquishes mankind in general, rebound from such a one, like hail which rattles on the roof with no harm to the dweller therein, and then melts away. ”

Goodnight.

Updated from yesterday…

+ I get to have the best parts of her in the way that makes me happy and joyous without anything else I don’t like
+ so much more love for her and from her
+ I keep the best parts of the best friend while getting to have as much sex as I want with other woman
+ we can talk to each other in any way still, cute sayings, babe, whatever. Without making it some type of way it should be.
+ since it’s no longer my concern if she succeeds it fails, my input, other than for happy fun stuff is not needed. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. A weight of responsibility.
+ before, if she fails we both fail since its a team. Now if she fails, she fails. And since this is her choosing, I can have a clean conscience about it without any blame towards myself cause I was the root cause.
+ how can ever be alone anymore if I have Laura and yet as female friends?
+ she is 100% good with me fucking as many people as I want and still seeing her. And for now, still busting a nut in her mouth too. At some point they will end but I would have had what every little boy dreams of for a short time. And then on to the next amazing thing every little boy wants.
+ made me realize, I am, have been, have done, what every little boy wants to be, do, have at some point in life.
(- firefighter, 6 figure salary, a job doing nothing but hanging out with the boys, banging many many hot woman, having amazing relationships full of live, best friends that will kill for you, fam that is always there for you, super cool cars, crazy partying tons of booze tons of drugs, own a super sick house, travel the world, work in a tropical paradise, be super crazy in love, get jacked, do porn freaky sht with girls, be the classic man, I’m sure the list goes on)
+ I don’t have to listen to the incessant complaints for hours on end and get to now listen to some new girl tell me things I’ve never heard before. Learn something new and exciting.
+ (this is gonna sound spiteful) at some point she will ultimately conclude that the image of love is not fixed. What used to make you feel in love is not fixed. It’s ever changing. And it changes with time, life experience, and the fact that our body is always renewing itself and what used to give us a certain high won’t be in years to come. Our taste changes. I used to love powered milk, now it’s just nostalgia. I still love Condensed milk but now I won’t love it fully cause I realize in the amount that I feel love from it, it’s bad for my body and the love I feel from its taste, isn’t enough to keep it around. What I value has changed with time, knowledge, experience.

+today I made some really amazing discoveries. I wrote the last blog this morning and update this one shortly after. I have come to realize that there are just some fundamentals that we fear. And those fears end up driving the bus, all we end up doing is going along for the ride. Focusing on what we don’t want will only bring us more of the same. Focusing on what we do and what will bring us there and doing the little things that will eventually bring us there is the key. What you resist in life will persist. That’s really all there is to say. Stop resisting being afraid. Some resisting failure. Stop resisting being alone. Do the work and then just get out of your own way and just chill the fuck out. The best things come to you when the work is done and your not forcing it. Energy flows where it feels secure and where it belongs. Be the place where that energy can be free to be safe, a space of love.

So I’ve recently discovered that I have a huge racket about making others wrong, about everything. Being right and making others wrong is just the thing I do. And I’ll fight tooth and nail to make them see that my way is the right way, regardless of how it will make them feel. Which leads to them checking out of the conversation. And eventually checking out of the relationship. They just have to see it my way. And when they fight back it’s cause they just don’t get it so I try even harder to make them understand or see my way. So I talk and talk and talk till they get it. But usually they have already checked out. Last time this girl broke up with me I made it wrong. So I tried and tried and tried to make her see that it was the wrong decision. That I am the one that is right for her. Don’t yet me wrong, I think I’m pretty amazing. But always being the guy that makes you see that your wrong about every decision you make will negate everything good about me. I could be the most perfect man for any woman, but always telling her what to do and how she is wrong about what she thinks is the right thing to do will end any love that could be there. So I get her back, proving that I was right. And in the end it ended again because I was not right. She was not wrong. We are just not meant to be in a relationship. As friends maybe. But that doesn’t stop there. Even my friends I do this. Now combine that I need to be right with if I’m wrong I beat myself up over being wrong, failing, and that makes for one helluva combination.

I don’t care if someone around me is “wrong”, it doesn’t bother me. They are wrong and I make them wrong and then I “exit” by telling them they are right and leave it at that. Why bother, I say. But with one’s that are close to me, I need them to succeed, I can’t have them fail cause failing is wrong. So I do my best to get them to where I think they need to be so they don’t fail. I can’t even have failure around me. If my team fails then I fail cause I have failed them. I’m so deathly afraid of failure. I also have very real fear of being alone. But writing this now is making me rethink this. Cause I don’t fear being by myself. I love the peace of mind of it. But only under certain circumstances! If I have a gf then Im good. Why? Even if I don’t see her in a week or whatever. So makes me think. Is it really fear of being alone? Or is it more like fear of failing again? If I am alone then I have failed. I’m a loser. That’s why I go for the hot girls. They can be the best fit for me but I’d they aren’t hot then I have failed, only losers date ugly girl. Dating a hot girl is an indication of my success. Dating a hot successful girl is even more of an indication that I have succeeded. This last one was hot and successful (or bound to be). So I have made it. But when I made it and that fear subsidided, then I was back at the empty place again. Cause it wasn’t really her that I wanted. The things I want in a partner, she didn’t have them. Well not true, she had some for sure. But the key things weren’t there. I love having super deep meaningful conversation, mind blowing one’s. And all there was was complaints. Every call was about her complaining about something. Our talks didn’t light me up. Didn’t bring me true joy. She doesn’t like adventure. Doesn’t like scary thing. Didn’t like new experiences. Just wanted to get to something and stay there. And me I just want to explore. Get somewhere and then go do the next thing. Her goal was always the end in mind. Her whole life has been about getting married. Didn’t enjoy the journey. This last breakup I think is because she has come to the place where she is realizing that. And that why she needs to go explore. Date for the sake of dating. Not to get anywhere. Not to find a husband. But just to enjoy the company if different people. I have done that in life. As far as dating is concerned. So now I want to explore other things with that person. I think that’s the most basic, the starting point of exploration. People. Once that is done then we can go in to explore other things in life. Usually we do this in highschool, maybe even earlier. Then college. More exploring of people. Then after that we start exploring life. So how on earth can she ever begin the journey of exploring life when she was never even explored people. Not to say she has never dated, she has, lots, but it was always on the basis of finding a good candidate to be a husband. For the end in mind. If you fit the bill of being there forever, then your good. Always to somewhere. Never for the sake of just being here and enjoying that person for who they are. And this is her time. Late in life but I’m glad she is making that realization now instead of when she is 40 and dying inside. Ends the relationship just to go explore, something she should have done when she was in her teens or 20’s.

As far as I am concerned, I need to deal with my own now. I can’t change enough to show her that I am the one cause right now it has nothing to do with me. Nothing. There is no way for her to explore life in terms of other people when those other people are guys. That would not be fair to me. She is such a stand for me that she even said that. She can, but how fair would they be if we are dating and she is seeing other guys? My value will be greatly reduced. This really is the moment where, if you love something let it go. I have a real deep belief that what needs to happen will happen. And it’s always in our best interest, even if we can’t see it. This might seem harsh right now but I needs to happen. She needs this or she will be stuck in the same place forever. And I need this or else I will never learn to chill the fuck out! People will be people. They need to fuck up. They need to explore. They need to be themselves and figure stuff out on their own. They need space. And they need you to be that space sometimes so they they can maneuver and figure it out whitin that space of love. It comes from love. Nothing will kill love faster or harder then always needing to be right. Or making them wrong.

My realizations for the day are this…. I have a fear of failing. I have a fear of being alone. And I love in a pool of “something is wrong here”. Quite a dizzying combination. So what’s the solution? Well, nothing!! There’s nothing wrong with any of this. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, it’s the human condition. We are hard wired to find mates, partners, friends. We have evolved over so many years to be with others. To bond. That’s all. Also, fear of failure ultimately stems from “something is wrong here” cause failing is wrong. We have been told time and time again that we need to succeed. For years and years programmed that if we don’t get to a certain place in life then we have failed. And since then we been telling ourselves that if we don’t get to there from here then we have failed. But where is there exactly? What’s life all about? Succeeding or just enjoying the moments we have? To love. To be in love. To be this space where anything is possible and everything is ok. To realize that the carrot we chase will never ever be caught. The point is the chase. It’s not about eating. It’s about learning how to hunt. It’s all about the thrill of the chase, and never in the what we catch. Being proficient in the hunt, enjoying the hunt, only brings tastier and tastier meals. And that’s really it. We are born alone and we die alone is all we ever hear. But the truth of it is that we are never ever alone. We just can’t seem to get out of our own damn way to see this!

And for all the men reading this ( not to leave you out ladies), fear of failure and needing success is just who a man is. We don’t even have the option, we just have to perform (for our masculinity). But rest assured that if you take responsibility, then you can have success. It’s really as simple as that!!

As the day progressed, the clouds formed, the sky’s darkened, the fog descended, and the gloom was overwhelming. By the time the day ended and turned to night, the air was so waterlogged that dew formed rain drops in mid-air and dropped out like tears from a giant eye, seemingly out no where. By the time dawn broke rain, was upon us in all its glory and sadness as if the heavens were weeping in sorrow of what just transpired.

And what just happened was the finalization it the final chapter of a book 2 year in the making. It’s been one helluva book, that’s for sure. Moments of glory, of pain, or sorry, or happiness, of hope, of a bright future and of death. It’s had it all. As they say, we laughed and we cried. And then in the end, it ended the same way it began. But with that said, we both walked away with bags of knowledge and experience. And experience being the most valuable “thing” anyone could ever hope for, something sometimes money can’t even buy. Simply priceless.

I arrived at her building to the soundtrack of Push me to the edge by lol uzi. How befitting….. “Your the worst, your the worst….” Lol. No plans to go up but she’s not ready so I did. Felt a bit awkward, reminiscent of the last breakup. By the way, something that seemed so foreign now. I Remeber trying to Remeber the sorrow I felt then and I couldn’t. I wondered what that feeling felt like and how I was a mess, a puddle of emotions, and yet now things are good I couldn’t even recall what that felt like. Well, some have come flooding back. It’s kinda hard not to allow them in. But what they is, “what resists persists” so holding them back will on keep them coming. So I have to embrace and do the incremental work to get back to where I want to be. Alive!!

So we chat, she gets ready, we go for coffee. Hit 2 diff coffee houses. Nice places, and we talk. The second place has an art gallery in the back so it was cool sitting on a bench in the gallery drinking a London fog while she sips in some prosecco in a champagne flute while people walk around us and we’re talking about the end of a relationship. Very different. We go for all you eat sushi. Lots and lots of talking. Get back to her place. Have our weekly landmark group call. Then sit down to create the next chapter. Last time I thought I fkd up, I shorted her big time and was the worst. So I needed to try hard to get her back so I can prove to myself that I can do better. Well I did that. She came back. I pulled out all the stops. There was nothing more I could do without devaluing myself to a level I couldn’t live with. I know in my heart there was nothing more I could do without actually changing myself. And it still ended so I can walk about clean. The crazy part is that even tho she wanted all that, that’s not what was needed. What was missing for her were the things I couldn’t change. My fundamental self. They way I am. The things that make me me and give me joy. For example, she wants the super masculine quite guy who will just listen to her when she needs to talk. I can’t be that, I fkn love to talk!!it brings me so much joy in life to blabber on and be heard. When my words can make a difference in someone’s life. That makes me so happy. It actually energizes me and gets me wired where I can’t even sleep! Also, someone that will make her laugh all day every day. Granted I can be funny but I’m not that guy who’s always cracking jokes. I like being silly and goofy sometimes and I do love jokes, but I can’t keep it turned on all day. Some can, it’s who they can be, and I can’t be that. Our humour is not the same. She loves family guy and I think it’s dumb. We do laugh about the same things a lot of the time but not all the time. I don’t like being serious all the time but I do like being effective. I’m not that guy and honestly don’t really wanna be. She said it like 100 times that she might be being immature and making the biggest mistake of her life, but she has to go out and see what she can attract. And she’s not ready for long term. She hasn’t had enough fun yet and if she settles down now then her wants will be wandering and that will always lead to no good. She still thinks in such a way that can only come from the kind of someone still in their early 20’s. I know I was there and I can relate for sure! So I can relate and I totally understand and know that since I did everything I could possibly do without changing my core self…. Then that’s it.. We both agreed it really wasn’t me and really was her. In every way lol. And that left me settled.

So we created. We formulated a way of being that we are going to take on that will allow this transition to work. Neither of us want to end it but in light of her thoughts and her feelings, there can’t be a way we can continue with the status quo. After much discussion we come to a conclusion that we were both in it for the wrong reasons. And if we’re being honest about it, I didn’t want to admit it or face it but after we got back together for the second time, shortly after I started feeling more and more dead inside. I thought to myself at one point….. Is this how I’m going to be feeling for the rest of our lives?! I could find no joy in anything. At times so depressed! Nothing that made me happy before made me happy then. It wasn’t good. BUT…. it was safe, it was secure. But is that a good enough reason to stay in a relationship? Not likely. The crazy thing is when we are not committed to each other in a serious relationship, we are such better people! We have so much fun together, we laugh at everything, the physical is on fire!! And as soon as we’re back in it, it’s like death! So it really is for the best. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone that makes you feel dead inside. This is wwwaaayyyyy better!! So for a short time now we will carry on in the new method of being with each other. We will see other people. We will for a short time continue to be physical, for better or worse. And will phase it out. There’s no restrictions in place and if something changes for someone in terms of feeling and whatnot then we reassess and go from there. We might have to cut it off sooner than expected but who knows. At some point one if us will want to exit to persue something serious, but for now, here we are.

So I left her city on a night that was gloomier than any other I have experienced while with her there. Felt heavy. Sad. But the rains always make way for the a fresh new beginning. So here we are. Scared. Excited. Unsure of my footing. But brave enough to know that there’s something great ahead! In whatever shape or form it’s in. For now, no dwelling on what’s Not so (what I don’t want or don’t have) and start focusing on what is (what I want to manifest). For now, I’m sad and yet settled. It’s a good day to be alive.

So you gave me something, you knew full well was bad for me, just because you couldn’t stand to see my heart breaking any more. I don’t even know what to say. Shivers, goosebumps, smile from ear to ear. That’s love. That’s really real true love right there. The only kinda love that can come from source, from God, from Self. The one that doesn’t ask for anything in return. Gives and gives freely. Gives without reservation, without justification. Just because it’s love that is what’s needed in that moment. The purest distillation of the essence of life.

Now I’m going to qualify…. By God I always mean God, universe, spirit, source, self….. You catch my drift. We have many names, use the one that revs your crank.

So your probably wondering what the fuck I’m talking about. Sounds like the ramblings of someone blowing cocaine all night. Some insightful shit right?! Well it is. But there was no cocaine involved here. Not even booze. Clean and sober and just fuckin high on life.

So we break up. I break apart. Just fly apart at the seems. Distraught and nothing in the world could help. I ask God… Correction, I make a deal with the ol man and I ask him that if he brings her back in my life I promise to do something. No answer. It gets worse and worse till I’m a mess. A fkn puddle on the floor. My heart was shattering, it was fundamentally changing who I was. So even though God knows full well there is nothing more to do other than to let me wallow in my misery, doesn’t let it happen. Gives me the very thing I need the least at the moment I need it the most. It was the only thing that could sooth me. I can only equate it to a child crying, begging his father to unground him so he can go see his crazy gf cause she’s leaving and if he doesn’t then she will leave him forever. As the father or older brother maybe is better, you know…. That’s fucked!! This girl is a head case and the LAST thing he needs in life right now is to go see the crazy bitch. What he really needs to do is let that shit go. But he begs and begs till he’s a mess. He’s not eating he’s not sleeping, it’s fucking up his life so hard. What do you do?

Well my heart would shatter in that moment and I’d know that I’d have to give in for the best of this child. Yeah they will be hurt by this chickenhead but what else is there to do? It’s not worth protecting someone from some pain when the act of protection will cause way more detrimental pain! That’s counter productive. You know what’s gonna happen. But love allows you to be a stand for that child. A space, a clearing for them to discover life in all its glory and all its misery. On their own without your interference. When they have been crushed by this monster (aka girl), they can come back and you can hug them and take care of them and they can grow up and wake up, realize, and thank you for being such an awesome father or brother. That’s love! Well one of the ways it manifests. Allowing a bad thing to happen to avoid an even worse thing from happening. Nothing wrong with the circumstance, something you can’t change, but how you feel about them is what you can change.

I have to admit, the last paragraph dropped off. I’m trying to express how I feel while Chuck Norris is kicking ass and saving baby girls from bombs on tv, so I’m kinda distracted now. I’m at my parents place in London, just came from a wedding that was life altering. How? I have been away from my fam for so long that coming back to everyone there, everyone happy to see me, how and who I was around them…. I loved that guy!! It felt like coming back home. In that moment when I walked into that huge hall full of our huge fam I was ON boy I was OOONNN!!! The lost prodigal son returned. I felt so good talking my native language. All the mannerisms and little tiny ways of saying things, that just lights my soul!! I sat down and listened to speeches and I was tearing up. Why? Not cuz my relationship is over. But cause I have wasted all this time in life playing in the kiddy pool messing with girls that have no culture, no class, bar stars even the best of them. Just a lowr class of being. Fuck this last one tells me, your the perfect man perfect in every way, your the man I’d wanna marry and have kids with and I love you to bits and my fam loves you and everyone single person around me even my parents and sisters and friends and blah blah blah are telling me I’m crazy….. But…. I realized I don’t wanna get married (after telling you I want to since day one) and I just need to be perused by other men, that’s what’s gonna make me happy and fulfilled right now. Are you fkn kidding me? Who the fk says that? Needless to say I’ve avoided the fam cause I loved dating these girls they will never accept my culture, background, fam values, and really…. Will never really be accepted by this monster fam as “one of us”. Now don’t get me wrong, no one will say anything and she will be treated amazing. But she just won’t ever be one of us. Won’t really fully grasp this life. Oh if ya didn’t know, by background is Mediterranean. I was born on a beauty of a beach in front of my grandma’s farm over looking the nicest part of the Mediterranean.

But really, the biggest thing is…. WHY THE FUCK would I ever wanna give a second (third) chance to a girl who tells me “I’m just not in love with you any more” days after thanking me for trying so hard to get us back together saying she’s the happiest she’s ever been, telling me the kinda ring she wants, telling her sister she’s ready to get married now, and the list goes on and on. Then a health scare happens, she does some death meditation, and next thing you know it’s 180 degrees. Needless to say, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!? Do I devalue myself that much? I’m willing to be suppressed just to have her? Be a person I don’t even like. Why the fuck would she ever like me if I don’t like me? But without her, I fucking love me!! Like an unhealthy amount. So catch 22 situation. With her I don’t even like who I am, don’t like life, don’t like paradise. It’s fucked. Ok now I’m really rambling.

Ok so one last thing. Back to the God thing. So we break up at like 4pm, by 5 I’m on the phone with Laura, Carla, and then Laura again. Good space of mind. Get great insight. Then out of the blue one of my bestest friends Jay calls me. I haven’t seen him in 6 months. “homie what are you up to”, I’m like “G come over”. 5min later he’s at my place. We talk till like 330am. Such insight. I was blown away. Best feeling. At the same time, this one random girl I wanted to hit for so long (and regretted not hitting it before during our break up) msgs and calls me wants to see me that night, do drinks and a night out. I don’t answer but I msg her and we gonna make some plans. Like wtf. How? No one even knows on social media we broke up. I haven’t even told anyone, everyone I told is out of town! I pull into the Timmie’s on the way to London, cute girl in the drive through literally blushed and was giddy handing me my drink. Granted I did flash her a million dollar smile. Today we do this wedding. This other girl I’ve wanted to get with for years and never really took the bait DM’s me, straight up, “you still dating that girl? ” I Reply with a simple “nope lol, wanna go out?” she reply’s with a “yes”. Done. A couple 😘 exchanged and I tell her I’ll msg her tomorrow to make plans. Like wtf!! God. The universe. Self. Giving not what I need but what I want. The hunger of a man that doesn’t even give a fuck is so fucking powerful that the universe itself is compelled, even eager to acknowledge!! Let that one rattle around in your head.