Archive for the ‘Realizations’ Category

It’s said that the moments of greatest revelation come from the moments of greatest despair or happiness. Some sort of peak experience in life that tears open the fabric of space and time and transports us almost to another dimension where we’re able to access something greater than ourselves, something higher, some alter self, some elevated self, the true self.

Most days we wander through life seemingly unaware of reality, of life, in autopilot droning on about this or that, taxes, bills, work, stress, girls/guys… Whatever. Trivial matters. Fleeting matters. Matters that will not be remembered a year down the road, something benign. Totally missing the very nature of life, the present, the thing that surrounds us, that gives us life, that elevates our being to some higher plane of existence that we only seem to be on for seconds every once in a while in such a rare experience that it seems almost foreign.

We run away from those moments of peak experience. We fear them. We drown them by busying ourselves with trivial matters that are like farts on tile floors. They’re heard, smelled, but within seconds or even minutes are gone, never to be remembered, utterly meaningless. So then what does one do?

Well, I can’t claim to know what to do, I’m on this journey just the same. And this journey can be feared, experienced with closed eyes, heart, and mind. Or lived. Truly lived with eyes wide open, heart wide open, and mind wide open to all that is around is. Scary is just a word. It’s a viewpoint. It’s a context. Change the context and your world changes around you!

Roller-coasters are scary to some and thrilling to others. So can you go from being scared to not? Well in a matter of speaking, yes. But what’s the solution, how do you do that? Well… This is gonna sound clichĂ© but you just do it! You be scared! Be scared as fuck! Go on, sit at the front, open your eyes, scream like hell, and be scared as fuck. And when the ride stops, you might have to go change your pants but you’ll realize you didn’t die. You made it, you crushed it, you looked fear in the eyes and took it head on. Yeah pissing yourself in the process but gives a fuck?! In a few years, it’ll make for one helluva story either way! You know what won’t make a good story? The time you chickened out and didn’t go on that ride cause you were too scared!

Life is really just a collection of stories, experiences along the way to the final destination. The more of these amazing stories the more life you would have lived. You don’t have to travel the world, you don’t have to be CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you just have to collect stories and experiences.

The best place to start is to become your own best friend. Start with yourself. Find a way to connect with your true self, chase the joy that we see all put on this earth to experience. And the quickest surest way to do that is to clear your mind and experience the feelings that are happening inside you right now. If they are sadness then feel sad, anger then be angry, don’t deny them. Let them go through you, wash over you, sit with them.

One way I like to experience them is when I am going through times like this, as I am now writing this is to just sit with them. The term is “comfortably confronting”. I’m confronted by a feeling, so I find a quiet place that peaceful, and I sit with that feeling. Be curious. Don’t judge, analyze, nothing. Just observe. Where is it in my body. What does it really feel like? Breath through that part of the body, imagine my breath is going from my lungs into that part of the body. Allow it to be there, never making it wrong.

Feelings are your compass in life. They steer your ship. Good feelings, you’re on the right path, bad ones and there’s something off. Embrace the feeling. I tend to feel lonely. Kinda why I started writing. Am I alone, not in the least. I’m surrounded by people constantly. But something is off. I tell myself it’s this or that. It’s a new Benz I need to buy or I once I have a long-term relationship or I need my hair fixed or my nose done or a million other things. But in reality, when those things happen it’ll just be something else. I won’t be able to be with anyone cause I fear being with myself. I fear being alone. Alone in this cold cold world. But that’s not reality!

The reality is that that’s the thoughts of a little boy whose mother left him alone at the house one time cause she had to go to work and from that point in was terrified of being left alone in this world. So I grew up with the fantasy of when I find my princess ill never let get go and we’ll grow old and be happy and never leave each other’s side. So had that happened?? Well yes. Multiple times. The crazy part is, it’s either me that ends it and feels alone or she ends it and I feel alone. It’s this cycle that leads to the same place. Never letting myself get what I want. Why? Cause it’s not me running the show. It’s an addiction of a little bit running the show and I’m just the victim of his terror lol. Sounds messed up right? Well, it’s reality.

The reality is I’m a grown ass man that doesn’t need shit! I have everything. But yet still feel unfulfilled. Why? Cause the things I’m going after don’t fulfill me, they fulfill the little boy. Then after a while, I wake up and realize it’s not what I want. And the cycle continues. It’s vicious as fuck!

So what’s there to do? Well, that’s all part of the journey. There’s no destination. The destination is final and not somewhere you wanna really ever get to. It’s the process. It’s the work. It’s the progress. It’s the struggle. It’s the pain. It’s the joy on getting over the pain. It’s the conquest. It’s the glory. It’s the defeat. It’s the victory. It’s all of those. Life happens in the moments between the destination. We’re always getting ready to get ready to get ready… Never really getting anywhere. Never really catching the carrot. Fucks sakes THERE IS NO FUCKING CARROT!! YOU ARE THE CARROT! life is what you make it. You’re the creator, the director, the producer, all of it! Everyone else is just an extra on your set and you get to hire and fire whoever you want!!

I write this for me, I hope you know that. This is my way of telling me what I need to hear. I’m the best advice giver but the worst advice taker and I think you can all relate. We can give everyone the best advice but can never give it to ourselves. So here I am giving it to myself. And if this helps you in the process then that makes me just that much happier!!

Much has happened in the last week…which I should just leave for another blog. A few highs, a bunch of lows, and some really fucked up news which kinda brought me peace? Yeah, it’s a whole story. And it’s one that even surprised me, I mean waking up holding a woman’s breast implant in my hand wearing woman’s pink silk pants would surprise anyone, right?! But that’s a story for another time lol

Peace & love, always & forever

This journey of 1000 steps had to start at some point with just one. I’m not talking about my life journey, that’s a whole other one running simultaneously. We have so many journeys and so many first steps all running at once, the more we take on, the more we grow. That’s really all it is. We already getting ready to get ready. Getting ready to start a new journey, getting ready to take the next step in that journey, getting ready to end that journey, getting ready to start another journey. It’s really a never-ending process of getting ready to get ready to get ready. And this was my first step in Man Finding His Edge journey.

So I said yes. Wth, I’ll go to Cuba. This might not seem like a big deal, but in my world it’s huge. I’ve always avoided travelling to resorts cause I see it a thing for couples. Even being in a hotel room for me somewhere makes me think, I need a girl there with me. Whatever happened to me when I was younger has led me to this line of thinking. So I’ve never gone anywhere. I didn’t even have a passport before I met Christie (the ex). Which btw I’m sure grateful happened or else… Well or else 100 things, one of them is travel. So anyways. The only times since then, which has been 12 times in 2 years, that I’ve gone down south was with her or to meet her there. This time was gonna be the very first. And I didn’t expect that arriving here would be such a trigger for me but it was HUGE!!

Long story but the place I wanted to go, all the flights were booked, so had to take a different flight to another city and cab it the 4 hours to where I wanted to be. That was… Very interesting. I can’t speak Spanish, at all! I was in a cab with a man, his wife, and his child. We made lots of stops. And neither of us could speak a lick of the other’s language. Made for a lllooonngggg trip. But I really got to see a side of Cuba I bet most never get to see. And there’s not much. Literally. Shrubs, small trees, and this blood-red soil. But lots of cows! Everywhere. Cows, goats, horses…. Everywhere! I could literally count how many people I saw in cars driving on the road. It seemed like we had the whole country to ourselves. Not what I was expecting.

We arrive at the hotel, I’m met by my uncle and his Cuban wife and her family. 2 nights here, then we take off to the village and live like real Cubans live. That’s tomorrow so I’ll update when that happens.

So I check in, get a quick tour, and head to my room. I walk, close the door, and break the fuck down sssooo FUCKIN hard I can’t even describe the emotional anvil that dropped on me. Every trigger at once. The plane, the crazy cab ride, the hotel (which was a resort, even worse), the room that’s meant for 2 people with only 1 in it, the smells, the sounds, the little tiny things that looked exactly how our place in Belize looked. I just wanted to turn around and get on a plane and get the fuck out! But I knew I couldn’t. I would never let myself quit, fail that hard. But it was like being at a 7, walking into the room and dropping to a 1. I was so far out of my comfort zone, so far over the edge that I was panic mode, unable to digest everything around. At this point it wasn’t healthy, it was me dangling over the edge holding a rope. Not standing at the edge looking down, still in full control.

So I did what most men don’t. I asked for directions. I called Tracy. (If you haven’t read my stuff you won’t know who she is but Tracy is my landmark seminar manager. And quite possibly the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.) So she starts off the call with “why the fuck are you calling me from Cuba”?! I reply with, “I know, right”?! So I start talking and I’m getting so choked up, eyes welling, almost unable to make words come out of my mouth and when they did it was like a flood of gobbledygook. She slows me down, and we go into the most amazing conversation. Well, all our conversations are amazing. Legit, I go from a 1 to a 4 in 1.5 hours. And by the end of the night, I was at a 7 again. But it took help.

Why? What happened there? How did I sink so fast and come back up? Well, it’s all perspective, how we choose to see something. If 2 people had a mug in front of them, sitting opposite each other, how would they describe that mug? Or a pad of paper. Or anything really. Perspective changes with where your standing. Literally and figuratively. And when there’s something we can’t, we need a spotter to tell us what’s going on so we’re able to maneuver around or else getting out would take so much longer and would be so much harder.

For me, I needed Tracy to point some things out to me. My journey is that of rediscovering the masculine man I am that all but withered away during my 2-year relationship with the ex. I turned soft. Unsure of myself. I stepped so far back from the edge I couldn’t even see it anymore. I get like that with people I’m afraid to lose. And it’s because I give them more value than I give myself. And I had to learn to take that value back and give it to the only person that really matters in my life. Me. And that involved me stepping just far enough out of comfort zone where I felt the fear but not so far out that it gripped me. Tracy helped me to take a couple steps back and be in a place where the fear was there but not overwhelming. How? Appreciation. Being in the moment and appreciating the place I’m at as a place I need to be to grow, that was huge. It’s like the story of the crab. The crab only knows to shed his old shell and take on a new, bigger one, when he feels the discomfort of growth. It has to happen or else he’d be a little tiny crab his entire life. That discomfort is the edge. Doing something we know we don’t want to do due to fear and discomfort. We do it anyways. Let the fear be our friend. Be with the fear till it becomes an ally and not an enemy. Then and only then can we live life fully, not being pushed around by the person we “know ourselves to be” based on all of the past experiences. That person lives in the past. To be the man that lives into his future we must drop all understanding of who we think we are and allow greatness to pour into our lives from places we didn’t even know existed. What will show up will confront us, trigger us, place us on the edge. To the point that we want to step back. But we don’t. The man that lives into his future self will have to learn to have discomfort and fear be a friend, a guide, showing us that this is where the growth lies. This is the direction of our mission in life, whatever that is. The mission that will have us sacrifice even the most perfect relationship, let alone a relationship that was based on circumstances and fantasy.

So I went out with my uncle and his wife, I was in full appreciation of where I was and the brand new experience I was experiencing. Got back to the room, slept like a baby. Woke up to breakfast, coffee, and the beach. And I was good. But the goodness comes from constant work. We can’t go from a 1 to a 9 overnight without the work. The reason is that 9 isn’t insta-bliss. Without the groundwork laid down, 9 is torture! The man that is able to face his demons having done the work will be the man that laughs in his demons face, puts one arm around their neck and says… Let’s grab a drink. The man that’s at a 4 would shit himself at the same occurrence. Life happens in the work, not the destination. The work is where life fully shows up and where we fall in love with ourselves. It’s where we learn our worth and our value. Where we learn to never give discounts. You think there are discounts on a Bentley? No! Hell, they don’t even advertise! You know what your getting and they will not give you discount to bring you in or keep you.

So there I was. In the place that floods me with triggers and I was so appreciative of so much. Like not having to see if she wants to go to the beach, I just go when I wanted. Not having to leave cause she wants to. Not worried about wearing my sandals inside the room cause of the sand I track in. Taking a nap when I want. Eating/drinking when and what I want. Not having to compromise. I’m just happy I’m on a beach in nice weather. She would be complaining about how this place isn’t that nice compared to other places I’ve taken her. The whole time I’d be running around making her happy and forgetting my own happiness. And now it’s time for me to get back there. Eventually, I’ll get back into a relationship, but by then I would have learned a lot of valuable lessons. Like the lesson of, your mate should be your best friend that you have sex with. Seems obvious right? Not really. We don’t treat them or behave the same way around our gf’s as we do our best friends. Why? Well, that’s a whole other blog post! For now, enjoy the journey!

2016 came around and I met, who I thought would be my future wife. I was already seeing someone and had to break it off with her to be with this new one. Not an easy task since I was in love with the girl I had been seeing. Even though we only dated for 3 weeks, I was in love with her. But it was an easy decision to make. This one was my future. She had everything for I ever wanted in a girl. Worked out, entrepreneur, smart, gorgeous, exciting, going places. And she was a virgin at 23! True unicorn. So I bit. Dumped the old one and had my second date with the new one on the sunny beaches of Belize. Off to an amazing start. Till I started losing confidence in myself. And it went downhill from there. A year later we break up. 3 months later we get back together only to break up again. Reason? The love for myself had all but disappeared and got replaced with love for her. I needed her now. I held in on such a pedestal that I couldn’t even see what was happening. And what was happening was I had become attached to her in such a way that I needed her to give me all the things I thought I now lacked in myself.

This girl is very strong-willed. Selfish. And had to be her way. And I attached myself to her in a way that without her I couldn’t live my life anymore without her. From her, I got my importance, my validation, my love, my independence, my freedom. And now I was afraid to lose her. Cause if I lose her then I lose all the things about me I want. The way I’ve always wanted to be. With her I was strong, independent, loved. But I was using her as a crutch to fulfil the things I no longer thought could on my own. A terrible place to be. What ends up happening is me operating from a place of fear and not a place of love. In that fear state, I was very afraid to lose her so I let her get away with everything. And in the end, she ended up walking all over me and eventually out on me. I’ve only been dumped once before in my life, the very first girl I’ve ever dated and I said I’d never let myself get to that again. Also not healthy, cause that in itself is operating from a place of fear. Preventing me from so many amazing experiences. A year or so before meeting this latest girl, I met a girl who made me see that I was walled off, never allowing a girl to penetrate to my heart. So I vowed that I would open up and love like I’ve never been hurt before. So I did. And it was both an amazing and a destructive experience. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

After every time this last girl broke up with me, I was able to see something about myself that I had never seen before. 2016 came and I thought it was the year of growth, I grew so much with her. 2017 came and we broke up and I regretted not taking on all the growth possible with her. We broke up and not 2017 was the real year of growth. Definitely a year I grew a lot. But now 2018 came and were back together and I thought it would be the year I make it big. Turns out I had not grown enough. Something was definitely still missing. That “thing” that was in my blind spot I still wasn’t able to see still existed. As long as we stayed together I got what I wanted out of life, even if the “thing” hasn’t shown itself to me, cause it obv wasn’t that important. Well turns out I was wrong, and I’m not wrong often.

After this breakup, I can now say without a shadow of a doubt that 2018 Is the ultimate year of growth lmao. Sound funny? Cause it is! It’s messed up. Cause 2019 will come and will REALLY be the year of growth! The truth is that the thing I’ve always wanted in life was growth. And someone to grow with, grow together. But the reality is that growth isn’t something we can do with someone else. That’s where the smoke and mirrors of Hollywood comes in to play. We can only grow alone, and when we have grown to be the best version of ourselves is when that one that we have been searching for comes along.

WE ATTRACT WHAT WE ARE AND NOT WHAT WE WANT

So what has 2018 given me for me to make it my “year of growth”? Well, the piece of the puzzle that baffled me. The cause of the breakup of this, and every other relationship I’ve ever had. Lack of self-love. And from that lack of self-love comes lack of self-confidence. This is a strong woman that wants the strong unrepentant man that will protect her, provide the space she needs to grow, and yet put her in her place when the time comes! And I didn’t do that. And she even told me that at the end. “I wish you had put me in my place more”. Why? Cause women don’t really even know what they want. But what they always want is a man that’s confident and powerful. They need the chemistry. Without it, it doesn’t matter how amazing you are, she will walk out every single time and look for something exciting, even if it’s not the best thing for her.

Why is it that when I don’t like a girl all that much she won’t leave me alone? Cause I don’t let her get away with anything. She always knows where the door is and is always welcome to use it anytime she wants. She knows I won’t chase her and it drives her crazy! The reason this girl was so interested in me to begin with is cause we matched on tinder and I didn’t message. So she messaged me and I didn’t respond. So she added me on Instagram. I was hard to get. I want available to her like most guys would be. And she wanted more. And then once I had her I gave her all the attention in the world. And it pushed her away. I gave her respect and she didn’t want it, she wanted love. She wanted chemistry. She wants what most girls want. Well, what most humans want. The thrill of the chase. And I was in a cage now and no fun anymore. And I’m still not out from under her spell. Anyone else and they would be so done. But I keep wanted to spend time with her. And it pushes her more and more away. And it’s ok, cause this was not “the one”, but she did show me what’s available to me out there when a man like myself has total confidence in himself, and what it’s like when that man loses that confidence. And so it’s time to get the confidence back. And not for her, but for myself this time. For my present and future life. And not for my past life. This girl was amazing while it lasted, and from her, I’ve learned a great deal. And now it’s time to give myself all that love, and in the process find my self-confidence!

Have you ever asked yourself that question? Who do I admire? And then asked, well why do I admire them? A question we don’t really ever delve deep in to.

So I have been in a program called landmark for some time now, maybe a year and half the what I’ve gotten out of it throughout this period is absolutely priceless. Words almost can’t express. If there was a button I could put where you can tap and feel what I feel, you’d get what I mean. But since there isn’t, words are my only tool to express the miraculous.

So as you well know, I just experienced a breakup. My first word to mind as I right this is…. “I suffered a break up”, but why? Why is it that a circumstance in life, good or bad, needs to be explained in terms of the reaction or story I add to it? All that happened was a breakup. As cold as it sounds, everything else I add to it is a story that I have fabricated and now living into. Did emotion come up? Of course. Were they painful? Of course! Did I have to suffer though? Absolutely not!

Which bring be back admiration. Something I learned is that we live in a world where there is always “something wrong”. So looking at it from that point of view, my suffering comes the fact that her breaking up with me is “wrong”! Morality. And morality is subjective. To me it might be the “wrong move”, to her it’s the “right move”. She’s not suffering. The same thing happened, yet I am subjecting myself to suffering that really isn’t necessary. It’s a story I have laid on top of simple facts that give me something to live in to. At the end of the day, she was just doing what was in her best interest. And when the “suffering” is removed, it was in mine as well.

So where does admiration fit into all of this? Well, me losing her is me losing someone that admires me. Me looking elsewhere for admiration. Where does this stem from? Well, to start off with, the world of “something is wrong”. Which manifests itself in a few ways. I’m not good enough. I don’t belong here. I’m on my own. And this plays out in a set of ways. Everyone is different. Some might have 1 or all of those. But it always plays out in a similar fashion. Similar feelings. Similar actions. Me I have this thing that tells me, well “I just don’t get it”, numbing myself to it all. Or “I need to try harder”. Obviously I fucked it up and so next time I’ll just try harder. Or, well I didn’t deserve this person, they were too good for me. And so on and so forth.

In reality, what I’m seeking is admiration. Her admiration so I can feel good about myself. Others admiration in being in an amazing relationship, whether it’s actually working or not. It kinda feels like I’m hoeing myself out for a cheap reward and at the end of the day I never really get it. Looking at it from those eyes, I start to see where that plays out in every part of my life. The nice car, the house, the job, the clothes, the shoes, the beard…. Everywhere!! It’s all about the admiration of others!!

So this brings me back to, who do I admire. Or more specifically, what qualities make me admire a person. If they are well groomed, if they read, if they work out, if they are confident, if they get what they want in life, if they never need anyone there with them, self-sufficient. That’s a person to be admired, right?? So then let me ask you this. Who does that person admire?? Or who does that person NOT admire?

So if I get all these things, and I’ve gotten to the place where now I can be that person to be admired, why do I still feel the same? Where does this empty feeling come from? Why do I still have to need to want to be admired? Ultimately…. The only person who I don’t admire…. IS MYSELF!! So why don’t I?

Well…. Cause I spend my life trying to be admired by others where somewhere along the way I neglected admiring myself!! So what would me admiring me look like? Well, it look like me putting myself first for one. Me valuing myself and coming from a space of, does this work for me? Does this bring me joy? Does doing this bring me value and joy? Does me doing this or being this way make me someone that I would admire?

Something to think about. Something to ponder. Who would I look like, what would I be doing, how would I be acting if the only person I want to admire is myself? First I’d have to look at the qualities I admire in others and bringing them to my own life. Building those qualities and characteristics to a point where I am the one that I’m admiring. Asking myself…. What do I want? What would make me happy? Not, what do they want or what would make others happy!

I WANT TO BE THE ONE THAT I ADMIRE!!

If we were standing in your physical shoes, that would be our dominant quest: Entertaining Yourself, pleasing Yourself, connecting with Yourself, being Yourself, enjoying Yourself, loving Yourself. Some say, “Well, Abraham you teach selfishness.” And we say, yes we do, yes we do, yes we do, because unless you are selfish enough to reach for that connection, you don’t have anything to give anyone, anyway. And when you are selfish enough to make that connection—you have an enormous gift that you give everywhere you are.

— Abraham

There’s always a price to pay. Everything in this life will cost, nothing comes for free. I’ve had to give up a few things in order to get more. What I’ve had to give up was the safety and the comfort of security. But is that really a good bargain? That depends on who you ask, and when you ask. Ask me this months ago and I would have said that it was. As me a few years ago and I would have said, hhheeelllsssss no!! Ask me now and I’d say the same. What I gave up, security, was all an illusion. Cause it just goes to show that there is no such thing as security. Never. Nothing in this life can be a sure thing.

Before her I was seeing a beautiful, wild spirit. An artist. A partier. Someone who didn’t believe in working for the man. Owned her own business making custom jewelry. Lived in a chic apartment downtown. Truly a wild spirit. One that seemed untamable, yet her goal in life was to be married and have lots of children. Who could ask for more, right? But I wasn’t ready. Not for her at least. She seemed flaky. Someone they could not be locked down really. She wasn’t a sure bet. As happy as she made me. As horney as she made me. As fun as she was, there was nothing there to hold on to of substance for me. I made a lot of what she was doing or thinking wrong. She didn’t seem like she had her shit together. The moment I knew she was not a forever girl was the moment she said to me…. I fall out of love as quickly as I fall in love. And I was not gonna be the guy she fell out of love with. So while we were going out I had one girl add me to Instagram, gorgeous young blond girl. I saw her profile said she was going to work in Belize and I was planning a trip there. So I messaged her to see if we can be friends so I can have a friend when I was there. Innocent. We hit it off. We would chat every day for hours and hours. I couldn’t get enough of her. Made me smile from ear to ear every day. It was fresh, new, exciting. She really had her shit together. Wanted the forever thing. Has wanted it since she was 8. Marriage, long term, forever. Someone i could count on. A sure bet. Someone that was loyal, honest, successful. She was going places. She was the one I was looking for this whole time. So I bit. And yes technicly I was cheating entertaining this idea. I Remeber the first time we met I pretty much proposed to her. I have been anti-marriage and kids forever. She told me she wanted to get married but didn’t want kids. And I was in!! Later she changed her mind but that’s a whole other story. I must not digress. So the sure thing was here. So I bit hard. Only to find out a year after that we were breaking up and she was not in love with me. And this reason was cause of me. The things I did and didn’t do. So I tried so hard, fairytale hard, fought for the love. Got her back somehow. Only for her to fall out of love again. This time it had nothing to do with me. Her whole life was when she gets the man of her dreams then she will be happy. Well she got him. I was perfect, she said. Knocked it out of the park. But when she finally got the carrot on the stick, she wasn’t happy. Turns out marriage and kids was not what she was even looking for. Rude awakening. For the both of us!!

The moral of this story is that nothing is a for sure thing. And you have to give to get. What I had to give up was everything I had in mind as where my life would go. Give up sex. Oh yeah she’s a virgin. That might explain some. Give up the way I thought kids would be raised. Give up a lot of family stuff. Give up the things that made me light up, like rambling on about some stupid subject only I care about. She dislikes rambling. Dislikes anything airy fairy. There as a lot more but I don’t want to slander as we have agreed to remain friends and not defame each other. So I gave up. I gave up so much of myself that I started to feel dead inside. Depressed. I said to myself that on the second go I’d do everything I could so that if it ends I won’t say I didn’t try and give my 100%. I did stuff I didn’t want to do. Fake. And it was no way to live. In return for what? Someone to always be there. Someone to message in the morning when I wake up, before I go to sleep. Someone to tell me they love me constantly. Constantly reassured. She would always say… Oh I love you! And I’d say it right back. It was nice. Comfortable. Safe. Warm. But I had to give up a lot.

So now we are done I have had to give up some more. But this time it’s for something else. I have had to give up my hand being held in life. The comfort and safety of a harbour. No more messaging all the time. Someone else will be doing that. Our messages will be that of friends. No more “oh I love you”. No more BABE! In that cute way she would say it. No more safe harbour. But what do I get in return? So much more. For one I finally get to have sex again! It’s been a while lol. I don’t know how I held our for that long without cheating. But I would have done anything for her. I get to devote my time not to her, but to me. My time was spent driving back and forth 3 hours each way to where she lives. Spending hours in the phone listening to her complain, telling her she was right and that it’s all gonna be ok. I get to spend more time with my family. More time with my friends. I get to find myself and look deep inside, find that thing in me that keeps me held back. Like my fear of failure. My fear of being alone. My making everyone wrong. Figuring out why I have the need to argue my point till the other person lost interest and exited the conversation. I get to have the male energy back that I lost with her. She is prone to having male energy but loves being in the feminine energy. That would rarely happen when with me. When I’m with someone I care about I soften up for them. Open my heart, do it every time cause I think it’s safe. Something most men will not. At heart, men are full of emotions. But we hide it behind a hard shell. An exterior that’s all masculine. But it’s not real. Somewhere down the line we got hurt and turned into real douchebags. And forever since, we have been hiding behind the facade. With her I dropped it. With the ones I want to make part of me, I drop it. I’m able to check my ego hard. I’m present to both energies. Im labeled as an androgen. If you saw me you’d think…. Wow this guy must be a douchebag. But you meet me and I’m actually nice, charming, sincere, honest, and the list goes on and on. But to the ones I love I’m a sweetheart. I put all that aside and show my heart. She was just not ready for that. So she’s out chasing and being chased by douchbags like myself cause that’s her type. The only thing I can’t do is give her the experience of life that is to be had young. “the slut phase”. Now she’s a virgin so her slut phase will be tame to say the least. Dates. Dancing. Partying. Texting. Highschool stuff. But it will be healthy for her. She will get to see what life has to offer when your not looking at men as just the thing to marry so that your not scared of being alone. This will allow her to ease up in life. Realize that life isn’t so serious. So for that I’m happy. And I get to keep her in my life, but just in another capacity. We still get to hangout. Still message, but not as often. And for a short time, still fool around.

In the end I really come out of this as the winner. I get to keep the absolute best parts of her. While getting to be out in the world, meeting other woman. Exploring life again. Learning more about myself. Something I have been blind to for so long. Focusing on being the success that I have always wanted to be. Taking responsibility for all my actions. Learning to have more integrity. Being unleashed again on this world.

OK, rambling lol. Once again, the moral of this story is that you need to give to get. What I wanted from her I couldn’t get without accepting some things I didn’t want to. And now what I get, I have to give up some other good things. I have to give up something to get something else. But really I come out of this as the winner, even if it’s not about winning or losing. And for once I get to do the work to not being afraid of being alone. Not afraid of failing. Not make others wrong and push them away. Who the hell wants to be around someone who constantly tells them they’re wrong. I see it when I go back home. My parents have been married for almost 50 years and only till after my parents were married did my mother realize that she resents him huge for making her wrong all the time. They have a miserable relationship now. I don’t want to be that. And I know I resent her already. Cause of all the things I make her wrong for. This might sound bad, but when she had her health scare all I could think about was….. See I fucking told you this would happen if you keep putting garbage into your body! I don’t learn this the first go. And obv didn’t learn it the second go. She was just wrong. She was wrong for breaking it off, and now she was wrong about eating what makes her happy to eat.

Ask yourself, would you make a person wrong if you knew they weren’t gonna be in your life forever? The answer will probably be, NO. Now that comes from a place of not giving a fuck. But what looks like that too, is love! True love is a space where someone can fuck up and do whatever they want and learn and grow. Now in a relationship that’s going to last, you can’t just do whatever you want cause there’s a whole other person that will be affected by your actions. So although love is free, reality will always catch up and be a factor.

So for now, the only way to get the thing that looks like love, is to get the thing that isn’t. The thing where people just don’t give a fuck about you. It’s fun, it’s light, and no one will ever tell you what to do. And for someone that has a huge huge hhuuggeee issue with being told what to do, that’s gonna be just perfect!!

For me…. Well the journey begins again. On the hunt. But not for a woman to make me feel secure or safe or that I have succeeded. But the hunt for myself. The hunt for my freedom. To find the holy grail of self. Be in touch with my higher self. The one that has no fear. The one that is not affected by circumstances. That one that is perfectly ok with being alone in this world. The one that’s responsible for their own success or failure. The one that is calm and cool in the face of all adversity. Unshaken. Unafraid.

I shall leave you now with something Seneca said…

“The happy man is not he whom the crowd deems happy, namely, he into whose coffers mighty sums have flowed, but he who’s possessions are all in his soul, who is upright and exalted, who spurs inconsistency, who sees no man with whom he wishes to change places, who rates men only at their value as men, who takes nature for his teacher, conforming to her laws and living as she commands, whom no violence can deprive of his possessions, who turns evil into good, is unerring in his judgement, unshaken, unafraid, who may be moved by force but never moved to distraction, whom fortune when she hurls at him with all her might the deadliest missile in her armoury, may graze, though rarely, but never wound. For Fortune’s other missiles, with which she vanquishes mankind in general, rebound from such a one, like hail which rattles on the roof with no harm to the dweller therein, and then melts away. ”

Goodnight.

Updated from yesterday…

+ I get to have the best parts of her in the way that makes me happy and joyous without anything else I don’t like
+ so much more love for her and from her
+ I keep the best parts of the best friend while getting to have as much sex as I want with other woman
+ we can talk to each other in any way still, cute sayings, babe, whatever. Without making it some type of way it should be.
+ since it’s no longer my concern if she succeeds it fails, my input, other than for happy fun stuff is not needed. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. A weight of responsibility.
+ before, if she fails we both fail since its a team. Now if she fails, she fails. And since this is her choosing, I can have a clean conscience about it without any blame towards myself cause I was the root cause.
+ how can ever be alone anymore if I have Laura and yet as female friends?
+ she is 100% good with me fucking as many people as I want and still seeing her. And for now, still busting a nut in her mouth too. At some point they will end but I would have had what every little boy dreams of for a short time. And then on to the next amazing thing every little boy wants.
+ made me realize, I am, have been, have done, what every little boy wants to be, do, have at some point in life.
(- firefighter, 6 figure salary, a job doing nothing but hanging out with the boys, banging many many hot woman, having amazing relationships full of live, best friends that will kill for you, fam that is always there for you, super cool cars, crazy partying tons of booze tons of drugs, own a super sick house, travel the world, work in a tropical paradise, be super crazy in love, get jacked, do porn freaky sht with girls, be the classic man, I’m sure the list goes on)
+ I don’t have to listen to the incessant complaints for hours on end and get to now listen to some new girl tell me things I’ve never heard before. Learn something new and exciting.
+ (this is gonna sound spiteful) at some point she will ultimately conclude that the image of love is not fixed. What used to make you feel in love is not fixed. It’s ever changing. And it changes with time, life experience, and the fact that our body is always renewing itself and what used to give us a certain high won’t be in years to come. Our taste changes. I used to love powered milk, now it’s just nostalgia. I still love Condensed milk but now I won’t love it fully cause I realize in the amount that I feel love from it, it’s bad for my body and the love I feel from its taste, isn’t enough to keep it around. What I value has changed with time, knowledge, experience.

+today I made some really amazing discoveries. I wrote the last blog this morning and update this one shortly after. I have come to realize that there are just some fundamentals that we fear. And those fears end up driving the bus, all we end up doing is going along for the ride. Focusing on what we don’t want will only bring us more of the same. Focusing on what we do and what will bring us there and doing the little things that will eventually bring us there is the key. What you resist in life will persist. That’s really all there is to say. Stop resisting being afraid. Some resisting failure. Stop resisting being alone. Do the work and then just get out of your own way and just chill the fuck out. The best things come to you when the work is done and your not forcing it. Energy flows where it feels secure and where it belongs. Be the place where that energy can be free to be safe, a space of love.

So I’ve recently discovered that I have a huge racket about making others wrong, about everything. Being right and making others wrong is just the thing I do. And I’ll fight tooth and nail to make them see that my way is the right way, regardless of how it will make them feel. Which leads to them checking out of the conversation. And eventually checking out of the relationship. They just have to see it my way. And when they fight back it’s cause they just don’t get it so I try even harder to make them understand or see my way. So I talk and talk and talk till they get it. But usually they have already checked out. Last time this girl broke up with me I made it wrong. So I tried and tried and tried to make her see that it was the wrong decision. That I am the one that is right for her. Don’t yet me wrong, I think I’m pretty amazing. But always being the guy that makes you see that your wrong about every decision you make will negate everything good about me. I could be the most perfect man for any woman, but always telling her what to do and how she is wrong about what she thinks is the right thing to do will end any love that could be there. So I get her back, proving that I was right. And in the end it ended again because I was not right. She was not wrong. We are just not meant to be in a relationship. As friends maybe. But that doesn’t stop there. Even my friends I do this. Now combine that I need to be right with if I’m wrong I beat myself up over being wrong, failing, and that makes for one helluva combination.

I don’t care if someone around me is “wrong”, it doesn’t bother me. They are wrong and I make them wrong and then I “exit” by telling them they are right and leave it at that. Why bother, I say. But with one’s that are close to me, I need them to succeed, I can’t have them fail cause failing is wrong. So I do my best to get them to where I think they need to be so they don’t fail. I can’t even have failure around me. If my team fails then I fail cause I have failed them. I’m so deathly afraid of failure. I also have very real fear of being alone. But writing this now is making me rethink this. Cause I don’t fear being by myself. I love the peace of mind of it. But only under certain circumstances! If I have a gf then Im good. Why? Even if I don’t see her in a week or whatever. So makes me think. Is it really fear of being alone? Or is it more like fear of failing again? If I am alone then I have failed. I’m a loser. That’s why I go for the hot girls. They can be the best fit for me but I’d they aren’t hot then I have failed, only losers date ugly girl. Dating a hot girl is an indication of my success. Dating a hot successful girl is even more of an indication that I have succeeded. This last one was hot and successful (or bound to be). So I have made it. But when I made it and that fear subsidided, then I was back at the empty place again. Cause it wasn’t really her that I wanted. The things I want in a partner, she didn’t have them. Well not true, she had some for sure. But the key things weren’t there. I love having super deep meaningful conversation, mind blowing one’s. And all there was was complaints. Every call was about her complaining about something. Our talks didn’t light me up. Didn’t bring me true joy. She doesn’t like adventure. Doesn’t like scary thing. Didn’t like new experiences. Just wanted to get to something and stay there. And me I just want to explore. Get somewhere and then go do the next thing. Her goal was always the end in mind. Her whole life has been about getting married. Didn’t enjoy the journey. This last breakup I think is because she has come to the place where she is realizing that. And that why she needs to go explore. Date for the sake of dating. Not to get anywhere. Not to find a husband. But just to enjoy the company if different people. I have done that in life. As far as dating is concerned. So now I want to explore other things with that person. I think that’s the most basic, the starting point of exploration. People. Once that is done then we can go in to explore other things in life. Usually we do this in highschool, maybe even earlier. Then college. More exploring of people. Then after that we start exploring life. So how on earth can she ever begin the journey of exploring life when she was never even explored people. Not to say she has never dated, she has, lots, but it was always on the basis of finding a good candidate to be a husband. For the end in mind. If you fit the bill of being there forever, then your good. Always to somewhere. Never for the sake of just being here and enjoying that person for who they are. And this is her time. Late in life but I’m glad she is making that realization now instead of when she is 40 and dying inside. Ends the relationship just to go explore, something she should have done when she was in her teens or 20’s.

As far as I am concerned, I need to deal with my own now. I can’t change enough to show her that I am the one cause right now it has nothing to do with me. Nothing. There is no way for her to explore life in terms of other people when those other people are guys. That would not be fair to me. She is such a stand for me that she even said that. She can, but how fair would they be if we are dating and she is seeing other guys? My value will be greatly reduced. This really is the moment where, if you love something let it go. I have a real deep belief that what needs to happen will happen. And it’s always in our best interest, even if we can’t see it. This might seem harsh right now but I needs to happen. She needs this or she will be stuck in the same place forever. And I need this or else I will never learn to chill the fuck out! People will be people. They need to fuck up. They need to explore. They need to be themselves and figure stuff out on their own. They need space. And they need you to be that space sometimes so they they can maneuver and figure it out whitin that space of love. It comes from love. Nothing will kill love faster or harder then always needing to be right. Or making them wrong.

My realizations for the day are this…. I have a fear of failing. I have a fear of being alone. And I love in a pool of “something is wrong here”. Quite a dizzying combination. So what’s the solution? Well, nothing!! There’s nothing wrong with any of this. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, it’s the human condition. We are hard wired to find mates, partners, friends. We have evolved over so many years to be with others. To bond. That’s all. Also, fear of failure ultimately stems from “something is wrong here” cause failing is wrong. We have been told time and time again that we need to succeed. For years and years programmed that if we don’t get to a certain place in life then we have failed. And since then we been telling ourselves that if we don’t get to there from here then we have failed. But where is there exactly? What’s life all about? Succeeding or just enjoying the moments we have? To love. To be in love. To be this space where anything is possible and everything is ok. To realize that the carrot we chase will never ever be caught. The point is the chase. It’s not about eating. It’s about learning how to hunt. It’s all about the thrill of the chase, and never in the what we catch. Being proficient in the hunt, enjoying the hunt, only brings tastier and tastier meals. And that’s really it. We are born alone and we die alone is all we ever hear. But the truth of it is that we are never ever alone. We just can’t seem to get out of our own damn way to see this!

And for all the men reading this ( not to leave you out ladies), fear of failure and needing success is just who a man is. We don’t even have the option, we just have to perform (for our masculinity). But rest assured that if you take responsibility, then you can have success. It’s really as simple as that!!