Archive for the ‘Heart’ Category

What have I learned today?

Posted: October 4, 2018 in Heart

Today I learned that life responds to you just as much as you respond to life. Take charge of the situation, and life will give you what you want. It’s all energy. Energy flows to where it feels like it’s in good hands. Like feminine energy, money or women, will flow to where they are safe and secure, knowing they are in good hands. So how did this happen for me today? I’ll explain.

So today was the last and final day of our 4-day high angle rope rescue training. What that? It’s the shit you see special forces doing in movies, repelling off the side of building and such. Not to that extent though cause a lot of what they are doing is dramatization and not really possible, but it gives you an idea. Most of the stuff we learned was about how to rescue victims that are injured and trapped either in confined spaces or on top of buildings or even on the side of industrial towers. So during the first three and a half days, I did what I normally do, hang back until I’m picked or if after no one speaks up, I’ll finally say I want to do it. Even though I wanted to do it in the first place. My rationale for this has always been: don’t be a hog and let others ahead of you. Me being all curious n shit. But the reality is that’s bullshit. I just don’t want to look bad. Then I get stuck with a job I don’t to do or nothing at all, just watching from the sidelines. And that makes me feel some type of way of course. Like I’m not good enough, or stupid… Basically a victim.

So how did I make the realization that life gives you exactly what you want if you take charge? Well at the very end of the training there’s a live scenario where you have to set up all the gear alone, no help from anyone, and then get graded on it with a pass or fail. Simple. So there are 4 scenarios. I’m really really good at one. Not so good at another. I, of course, wanted the one I’m good at but you can’t pick. The scenarios go into a hat and you pick. Whatever one you get, you get. So he asks, who wants to go first? That was my moment to shine. So instinctually I said… I DO!! Before my mind has had time to over analyze it and turn it into a bucket of fuck. Which one did I get?! Yupp you guess it! The one I wanted!

Might not seem like anything but coincidence, but in reality, there is no such thing. Everything happens for a reason. So that made me think. A lot! About all the things I’ve sat back from, not made the move, not put my hand up, not talked to that pretty girl, whatever it is. Why? Cause I made up a story and that story stopped me from doing it, thinking… Well if it was meant to be it’ll happen anyways. Well, that’s not really how it happens. Maybe the super big things in life are destiny, but most of our day to day stuff is all up to us. We either get what we want or get nothing at all.

So we make the move, and either we get it and it reinforces and encourages us to do more of that. Or we don’t, fail, and soon enough it’s forgotten about. The only thing that never leaves is when we don’t take the action. That creates doubt. And doubt is what kills the warrior, and never fear. Life will respond in kind even when we fail, cause it doesn’t look at the outcome, only what action we took or didn’t take, and rewards us accordingly. Level up or stay where you are.

If we can just learn to change the context of our view from… We want to win and if there’s a chance of losing we won’t do it. To… We are out in the world collecting “NO’s”. Learning how to deal with rejection and failure. To the point where we aren’t phased by “failure and rejection”, that’s when a whole world of possibilities opens up for us. Where we can accomplish any goal, get any girl, go anywhere we want to go. Will we still feel fear? Of course we will, that won’t ever go away. But we have effectively increased our courage so much that it crushes the fear when it comes up, unstoppable by whatever fear tells us.

So all that to say… Be the first, take that chance, do that thing you want, take that risk. I’m positive that you’ll get exactly what you want out of this life, and some!!

Till the next episode, good luck and good night!

Failure

Posted: September 29, 2018 in Heart

I wonder about failure sometimes. A lot actually. Why does it happen, why does it have to happen, why is it inevitable? But mostly I wonder about why is it that sometimes you try super hard and just keep getting shut down, and sometimes you don’t try at all and it all just lands in your lap. I’ve heard a million theories. The most relevant one seems to come back over and over, and that’s vibration. Whatever it was just wasn’t a vibrational match for you at that moment in time. And I get that, conceptually. But in practice it doesn’t translate.

Today I saw and Insta post about Jack Ma, co-founder of Alibaba and it made me think, and wonder about this very thing. He failed 3 times in college, applied to 30 jobs and got rejected, out of 24 he was the only one not to get hired at KFC, didn’t get accepted to be a cop, applied 10 times to Harvard and got denied. Today hes worth almost 30 billion dollars. So why? Why all the failure, why all the rejection? Was his vibration too high for the things he was trying to get? I mean Harvard, you’d think your vibration would have to be pretty high to get in there, right? So then what is it? And I see this over and over and over, in my life and in others lives around me.

What comes to mind is fate, destiny. There’s something out there that you need to get or somewhere you need to be that had you gotten that thing and got accepted to that place or dated that girl, you’d never have gotten there, it would have derailed you from where you needed to be. We always have the grandest plans, but we almost never get there. But yet we are always where we need to be, and most never where we want to be.

The easiest way I can explain this is through dating. 2 years ago I happen to meet this wonderful girl that came out of the blue. We’re no longer together, but the journey I have been on since then has been extraordinary. I met her out of the blue, totally not expecting to meet her at all. I was dating an amazing girl, in love with her actually, and this one comes along out of the blue. So I do what any man looking for the next best thing would do, I broke up with the one I was seeing and started dating the next one. What has come from that move has changed my life.

I did not expect to be in that position, at all, not even close. But that’s where I needed to be. From that relationship I ended up living on a tropical island, working with CEO’s of companies, meeting the most incredible people, and embarking on a self-exploratory journey of self development that has altered the course of my life. Although one relationship “failed”, the next one catapulted me to a much higher plane. The meteoric rise came crashing less than a year ago and I was left stunned, shocked. How could something so good come to such an end? From them I went back into the dating field, only to come up short over and over. Wondering, why is this not working out? Clearly I can do it, I’ve done it before. And then after rejection after rejection, I come across a beautiful girl that ends up showing me a whole new life, once again. I got the do some things on my bucket list that would never have happened had I stayed in that relationship. And let me tell you, she was a ffrreeaaakkkk!!! We had a lot of fun. Traveled, partied, had a great time. And then that ended. Only for me to find another one that made me realized that this was the one I had been waiting for this whole time. We had a short relationship and then I was over it. But from that I saw that sometimes the things we hold on to might not be the best thing for us to have, and that we do it mostly so that we don’t have to face whats out there, and whats out there sometimes looks lonely.

During my 2 year relationship I was a difference man, and I use the word MAN loosely. I was male, but not masculine. Somewhere along the way I had lost it. The breakup and consequent collapse of my self worth allowed me to see that there was a problem that needs to be addressed. Which led me to the Sterling Institute of Relationships. Justin Sterling taught me things I needed to learn that would have never happened had I just stayed in that relationship which I knew was not working but refused to leave it because of the fear of me not finding anyone as good. Meaning that my self worth was dependent on her and without her I am worth nothing. But she had to leave in order for me to see my own worth and work on my own self to become a better man, and masculine man that is not afraid of failure. After all, the more failure we encounter in our life the more we are able to deal with it. There is no such thing as being fearless, but there is such a thing as being courageous. And courage is what gets me through. We will encounter multiple failures in life, but the key is to have the courage to know that they are roadblocks for a reason, and everything happens for a reason, and its always in your favor. As long as you never give up and keep trying, the thing you need is out there waiting for you to smash through failure and failure, rejection after rejection until it shows up.

Which brings me back to relationships. The ones I get rejected by might get me down for a minute, but when I see it as destiny, it changes the context of how I see it. So I got denied by one, what if I hadn’t, what if it worked… where would I be? Would I be derailed from the one that I really am looking for? Would I have to settle for that one and miss out? So many of us do, and live a miserable life with someone that doesn’t light is up. And this story of life is a short one, so why not live it to its fullest, come what may? Fear. Fear that we might not do better, that we might end up failing and being alone, and the person we are looking for is not going to be out there. I think as long as we know what we want and keep going after it, then its inevitable that they will show up.

So many things in life seem to not work out, even when we have the best of intentions. Is it because we are failures? Or is it really because that is not what we are meant to have ? Have I had fun this summer?? Yes, Yes I have. I’ve had 3-somes, dated amazing women, had the best experiences, and had a blast along the way. Has any of them worked out? NO. But what has come of it? Experiences that I’ve always wanted to have and would never have had I just settled in a miserable relationship. Since the breakup I’ve traveled, I’ve dated, I’ve had the best wines, the best food, seen some amazing places, hung out with amazing friends, and started the road to one self-development company, and started working on my inventions…something I have been putting off my entire life. So could this be why? Well… theoretically…. had I settled down with the ex, my invention would never have gotten off the ground because I would have gone full force in to her business. I would have never had the experience of all those women. I would never have experienced all the experiences I had the pleasure of experiencing. And the list goes on and on. And most of all I would not be in a place where I needed to work on something I love and make my own way in life, independent of anyone else. So was it all worth it, well I guess only time will tell…. but I can tell you this. Since then, I’ve had the best sex of my life, gotten the best BJ’s of my life, had the best drinks I’ve ever tasted, met some of the most amazing people, and embarked on a journey that will no doubt lead me to where I’ve always wanted to be. And the story is not over yet.

All we get in this one is one day, 24 hours. Everything that happens in the world happens in 24 hours. So make it the best 24 hours of your life!!

The simple thing

Posted: September 20, 2018 in Heart

This simplest things in life are really the best. The love of a woman. Watching her sleep after eating her pussy so good she cums and falls asleep, holding her in your arms, feeling her warmth, having a smoke outside listening to the crickets sing their song, typing up a blog drunk off Spanish wine. It’s a beautiful life. Never take it for granted. Ever.

Life is so precious. We won the lottery just by being alive. Use every moment. Every single one. Live these moments like their your last. Cause what if there was no other. Would you be where you are???? I know I would. If these were my last moments in life I’d be perfectly content. The beauty of life. That’s the thing. It’s beautiful cause you never know. You never know. And if I knew, I’d still do what I’m doing right now. So grateful. So content. Thank you.

ASHLEY, STOP READING MY BLOG!!

Posted: August 28, 2018 in Heart

NOT COOL….. NOT COOL AT ALL!! 😒

What if you can manifest anything and everything you’ve ever wanted simply by writing down? What would your life look like?

I’ve been realizing so much in the last few months. A LOT has happened since the last time I posted anything. So why haven’t I posted anything about this? Seems like the perfect time, no? Well yes, it is. But when so much is going on, the last thing on my mind is to sit in the quietness of life and bare my soul to the world. So I don’t. So over the next little while, I’ll be recapping old stories from the last few months with you. And there are some AMAZING ones! For now, it’s just gonna be this realization to kick things back off and get me back in the routine.

So here’s what happened. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about manifestations and manifesting whatever I want in life. This started with a chat with my old dear friend and semi-part-time life coach who is always game to give me some amazing coaching, all free of charge obviously cause she’s an incredible human being.

So I call her after not talking for months, she tells me she’s been on this incredible journey through life, so much has changed, yadda yadda… Then she tells me about a 10-day silent retreat she went on. Something I’ve been told over and over by multiple people to do. Deep in the woods is a resort where you go 10 days no talking, and just reflect. So she did this. And for the 10 days, she just thought about what she wanted. Thought about it, felt it, put herself in the middle of it, and let it be as if it was actual reality. What/how would you feel if you got the thing you wanted? So feel it. Think about it. Focus on it. Believe it. And believe that whatever you manifest will happen, only if you want it to. And this is much different than thoughts you have that you don’t believe or want to happen. That’s a whole other post. So what happened you ask. What did she want to manifest? She wanted to manifest a baby and to be back in school for psychology. So ok both those things are possible, just have to do them right? Well the school thing, ok, sign up and your good. But the baby. She on birth control. He wears condoms and pulls out. And she isn’t ready to bring it up with him that she wants a baby, at this point it’s still just a dream. So she gets done the 10-day retreat. Nothing changes. Still on birth control. He still wears a condom and still pulls out. Well, 2 weeks go by and she misses her period. Few weeks go by now, and she does the test. Can you guess what happened?! Yupp, prego!!

So after this convo, I start to think… Hhmmm…. If this girl can manifest a life (among other things she thought about and they happened) then why the hell don’t I start doing it. Feel and think how I’d be feeling and thinking if I had the thing I wanted. So I started. The first question was…. What the fuck do I want?! So I thought, I want to feel the feeling I felt when I met Christie, my ex. We met on IG, and from the first message, we talked for 3-4 hours a day, stupid smirky smile on my face all day, feeling crazy enamoured with her. So I started thinking and feeling it. As many times as I’d Remebered, every day I’d remember. So what happens? A few days later, it happens. I meet Laura. It was like déjà vu! But this was even better! Way better. I’m blown away. This story is one that needs it’s own post cause clearly I didn’t specify what I wanted in detail lol so the universe gave me what I wanted but not the other details that I needed. You’ll see what I mean when I write about that story.

So what has me come back and start writing again? Well, today. Ok actually, I’ll start with yesterday. Last night I’m driving back to town, flying on the highway, it’s around midnight, my phone starts ringing, it’s my tribe partner. Yes, that’s another post in itself, lol so much has happened! So he calls me lighting me up over breaking my word, not having integrity, etc, he’s pretty mad about it at this point. So I stay unemotional, answer factually. Yes, my voice does raise a bit, but def not upset. So long story short, we agree that we’re going to have a call to discuss everything the next day for the mandatory minimum of 30 min at the end of the day the next day. And if there’s time, a quick 5min call in the day. We both work so we’re gonna try to make it happen. So to not fuck it up and have him light me up again and me be out of integrity, I write it all down in my calendar. So I want to remind myself to call him the next day, so I put it in my calendar to call him the next day. What time did I put it in for?? I figured 11 am would be a good time to remind myself to set up a call with him via text and we figure out a good time.

So today, I remembered at 9, so I msg. “Lemme know if your free today for 5min”? He replies with “I would say 5 mins around 11 sharp”? This was my face when I read that msg….. 😳….. Right?! I go to the calendar and look, Yupp!! I put it in for 11!! What the fuck?! Of the 12 hours we could have picked, we both picked 11?!

Coincidence?? See here’s the thing. There’s no such thing as a coincidence, everything happens for a reason, and it’s always in your favour. Believe that and your outlook on the world will change.

So the question again is…. If you could manifest everything you wrote down in your calendar, what would you manifest??

Now get the fuck out there and manifest everything you want!

The difference between a stallion and a mule, In real life.

The mule is reliable, carries massive amounts of weight on his back, dependable, loyal, will die instead of giving up, and is as behaved as can be. The biggest thing tho is that he knows his places and acts accordingly. The stallion on the other hand… Well… It’s his world and he’ll do whatever the fuck he wants. He shits where he wants, wrecks shit, fucks whoever he wants, is arrogant, it’s his land and everything is his to do whatever he wants with, even if he’s tied up. If he doesn’t want you to touch him, he’ll make it known instantly, doesn’t fuck around and under no circumstance will he let you fuck with him if it’s not invited. He has total disregard for anything or anyone around him except for himself.

Start with yourself first… Then focus on others. If you don’t get yourself, you won’t get others, you’ll be too confused and end up nowhere. This comes from Jessy teaching me how to speak Spanish, me asking… How do you say she is? Focus on yourself. Start with you.

I really really like problems. I love you fix them. No matter what they are. Sometimes I think problems follow me cause I create them. I thrive on fixing the problem. I get so amped up when there’s a problem I need to fix. First responder. I always bring a flashlight, first aid kit, everything in case something goes wrong so I can jump in, be a hero, fix that problem, find a solution. Hero complex.

Women are like horses. They sense fear, they sense if your a good rider. They sense if you know how to handle them. A feminine energy. Will be at ease with someone who isn’t afraid to take the reigns. Once mounted, they will allow you to direct them. They are the powerful force that will only allow someone equally as powerful, if not more, to ride them, direct them, instruct them. If you are afraid, they will sense your energy. They will not allow you to be on. They will buck you off. Or if your unsure, they will take off on you, do whatever they have to do to rid themselves of you. But if your sure of yourself and your ability they will allow you to do pretty much whatever with them. I witnessed this on the farm. Julia’s brother, a beast of a man. Gets on the horse bareback. Grabs his hair, the reigns, and kicks him. Slaps the side of his neck and takes off. Makes him do circles to the right. Rear up, circles to the left. Fast, slow, dance, whatever the fuck he wanted, this horse did. No question. Unafraid to allow him to have total dominance and control. Unafraid he will injure the horse. The horse knew that the rider knew what’s best and allowed his direction, unequivocally. Without hesitation. He ravished the horse and the horse allowed it totally, and powerfully. It was a thing of beauty. He knew what he wanted and he told the horse what to do and the horse did it. That’s it.

Omens

Posted: January 25, 2018 in Heart

It’s funny how life works sometimes. The universe shows us omens all the time whether we choose to accept them or not. The difference between the former and the latter is that one we are ready to see and the other we are just blind to. All the filters that block our way from seeing the reality of things.

This morning I got home from working the night shift, I do my usual routine. Then I hit the bathroom where I Remeber to take out the contact lens solution and case with her contact lenses in it. I wanted to take them out because I’m going to a seminar with her today and I’ll be seeing her so I figure it’s a good time to give them back to her, do away with the last remaining trace of what’s hers in the house. I take out the bottle and realize it’s pretty much empty. Don’t think much of it. Till I curiously decide to open up the contact lenses case to see what the lenses look like. I’ve never seen one up close as I don’t wear contacts. I open up the case only to find them empty! What I saw made me laugh. That kind of silly laugh. The one that comes from the higher Self when it finds something so obvious and redic at the same time. EMPTY!! The last thing I have of hers, the thing that still represents her I’ve been holding on to for sssooo many months now….. IS FUCKING EMPTY!! I don’t know if your making the connection right now. The thing, representing her, is empty. All surface. No substance. Everything that’s represented by her is empty. Just like whatever she is in, like our relationship is empty. It’s all for show. Substance develops with hardships. Mistakes. Wrong doings. Trials and tribulations. Realizations. The blessed ones get to have these moments in life to realize what’s important. To realize what we have and how valuable it is. The rest is just so fleeting. Our deepest fears are those of being alone in this life. And it’s for a reason. Even if not realized now, they always will be in the end. One of the best quotes I’ve ever heard was…. All will be revealed in the end.

I was talking to my up line team mate this morning. This lady is awesome! She’s the one that got me into this one direct marketing business I run. I was telling her about the breakup, she knows very well how much I was affected last time. I was a mess. We’re chatting and she’s telling me how great I sound this time compared to lash time and all that. Before we get started talking business she tells me a story of her friend who’s 50, always been single. Lived her life “to the fullest”, did the whole career thing and went about her life on the superficial. I’m sure she had lots of fun in her life. Played it like it was her last. And now she’s 50, she tells her she’s just so lonely. The man of her dreams passed her by and no doubt cause she couldn’t give enough of herself over to and get over her own self to be able to see the outcome of her actions. Now she’s 50 and alone. Anyone she find now will be 100% settling. Her dreams were too big, her ego was too big, and she was living all about the moment. Her priorities were just to succeed on her own. And she did. She succeeded on her own. And now she’s a success, On her own. All on her own. All alone.

My heart went out to her. There’s no going back to redo. Realizing way too late, to me, is the worst fate. I’m certainly blessed to be in my prime and making these realizations now. Before its way way too late. Having my anxieties, panic attacks, failures, heartbreaks, health issues, all this at a young age where I’m strong enough to deal with them and smash them. Some are not so fortunate. Some learn this right at the end. Some never learn it and die miserable. I don’t want to be that. Ever! I don’t want to divorce at 50, when there’s children involved cause I’m in a loveless marriage. Or worse yet, stay in a relationship that makes me absolutely miserable every day of my life. Or even worse yet, have my wife be miserable and me stressing patient with her, not talking, not having fun, not enjoying my golden years like my parents. It terrifies me that it could turn out like that. They were too busy to make those realizations then and only made them when it was too late. As a man who’s relatively successful I can stay a bachelor for quite a while, so there’s no fear there. My taste will change I’m sure. I won’t want the 21 year olds anymore. Well I don’t now. Now I want the 25 year olds. Soon it’ll be the 30 year olds. But I don’t need to be locked down. Woman on the other hand, well that’s a whole other story. But what I do want is someone to grow with. Not just grow old with but grow together with. Remeber all the fun crazy stuff we used to do as stupid kids. All the crazy times we’ve been through. The ups and the downs. Go through hell and back with them. Only to come out stronger than ever. And for me that was her. Now the ex. And for the foreseeable future, that’s how she will remain. It feels like a shame but I know that everything works out for the best. Exactly the way it should. I wasn’t happy. And I knew it, but told myself that I made commitment and will act from that and not from my feelings and thoughts. Doing that in the right situation and the right relationship is noble and wise. Doing that in the wrong situation and relationship will only lead to heartache, heartbreak, misery, and this dead empty feeling inside that can’t ever be filled. Doing the right thing for the wrong reason is way worse than doing the wrong thing for the right reason.

A wise man once said, you have to have faith that the dots will connect in the future. So just do the work. Create the expectations. And chill the fuck out!! The most successful people on the planet do the work and then let things come to them. And that’s what I’ll do. So for now, I must do the work. And the work is not hard. It’s not meant to be hard. It’s supposed to be fun, light, joyous. Small increments of joy bring big ones. Small. Miracles bring big ones. Momentum builds. Then the universe has no choice but to give you what your after. What you really want. Focus on what you want and stop giving attention to what you do not want. The universe can only give what your focused on, good or bad. So focus on the good and let the good flood to you till you have no idea what to do with all of it! Enjoy each moment equally with valour!

Parting thought…..

“If we were standing in your physical shoes, that would be our dominant quest: entertaining yourself, pleasing yourself, loving yourself, connecting with yourself, being yourself, enjoying yourself, loving yourself. Some say,” well Abraham you teach selfishness.” And we say, yes we do, yes we do, yes we do, because unless you are selfish enough to reach for that connection, you don’t have anything to give anyone, anyway. And when you are selfish enough to make that connection – you have an enormous gift that you give everywhere you are. ” – Abraham

It’s still not resolved…

Posted: December 23, 2017 in Heart

Neuronal patterns. Once created, they are hard to break. Although not impossible. I heard a great quote yesterday, it goes like this…. Neurons that fire together, wire together. The more you think about something or react to something in a certain way, neurons will wire up that way so you follow that way of thought or emotion easier. The brain is lazy and will look for the easiest way to do something in a way that uses the least amount of energy. It’s efficient, but if not checked will lead us down a rabbit hole. The brain is a great tool but a terrible master. This is the whole discussion of IT (the brain) VS. Self (the spirit). Getting a little sidetracked now. I say all this to explain what happened today.

GF is a real estate investor, and she got approached by a client that I’ve had some… Well… Not the best feeling about. As in the reason for his wanting to invest is less than savoury. Ulterior motives. She’s an attractive girl. Great catch. And if your willing to pursue then would make a great long term partner, obv why I’ve invested myself and efforts in this relationship. So he flats his R8, car she wants obv, says she can’t drive if she wants and all this, you know…. Flash cash at a young money hungry girl and it makes their eyes twinkle. But I’m like, why worry about something I can’t control, right?! If she’s a gold digger then this will be the point it’s revealed. So yesterday he invests, and promised to invest even more. She’s been worried about money lately so this comes at a perfect time. He saved her. She talks about his more than I’d like, but ok, fine whatever. Today she’s freaking out (in a good way) at a logo with her IG name he made her. So for me it struck a nerve. It’s like going back sometime when a boy would make a girl a mixtape when he had a crush on her. Which brought back some old feelings. Right away I react in an extreme manner and emotionally start pulling out. Start getting ready for the inevitable. Extreme, right? Well it brought back all the same feelings as I had during the breakup. So they’re still there. They left shortly after we started being a thing again, and got replaced with older emotions, pre-breakup emotions and thoughts. Tension too. I couldn’t figure out why. I was even thinking about those feelings felt, but couldn’t reproduce them. So I figured they’re gone. Well with one text, they came back. Yupp, still wired together. Resentment is still present. I’m clearly still not settled in this. I still don’t think she’s in it. My story, and its just that for now, just a story. And not to offend anyone out there, but girls are guilable, for the most part. They have no idea when they’re being played by a guys. We’re sneaky, we’ll use anyway to get you to crush on us, even secretly. You’ll think it’s harmless, till the slow slide ends up with you focusing more on the next guy than on your current relationship, and then it happens. We play the long game, well some true pros do at least. We’ll be relentless when we want something. Total mind fuck. And before you know it, we’ve stolen you away without you even knowing it. It’s a dirty game but the saying holds true, all’s fair in love and war.

So what do I do then? Well the short answer is, nothing. If I bring it up then I’m jealous. And if I pull away then it was my fault cause I backed out. So what then? Well, if your not giving your 100% in a relationship all the time then your not doing it right. Cause if you are, then no matter what happens you’ll never need to forgive yourself if it fails. You gave it 100%, it’s all you could have done. In that case, you lucked out. Better to be done with a less than savoury charter early on than 10 years deep. That’s when it really hurts. So it’s business as usual until it’s not business as usual. Thoughts and emotions are overwhelming, but what your commited to is what dictates how you behave and the actions that you take. It might seem fake, but that only if you are a slave of your thoughts and emotions. When your a creator, whatever way of being you create is authentic as long as you know your SELF and take action from there, regardless of what your mind is feelings are screaming at you. It’s the old biting of the tongue, the swallowing of the pride, the old taking it like a man, the old cowboying up. Many terms. Same thing. And if in the end, you’ve done everything, and you biatch leaves your ass for someone with more money….. Then fuck that gold digging bitch. She can be someone else’s problem. As the English say, good riddance to bad rubbish. Bye bitch (insert the bbm emoji where he’s one hand waving with a big ol smile).

So it’s been a little while

Posted: December 21, 2017 in Heart

As the title states, it’s been a little while since I’ve had the chance to unleash my thoughts on these pages. The therapeutic factor of it is priceless and yet I haven’t made time for this to happen. As much as I’d love a following reading my stuff daily and getting something from it that might make their day a little better, it really is more if a selfish pleasure. Also maybe something to leave to a future generation that will not know the joy of reading old notes from a paper journal. The smell of the old pages, the feel of the paper between their fingers, the fact that it never needs to be recharged and yes you still need light to see the words. Maybe it’s just nostalgia, who knows. Regardless, it’s been a while. In the 2 months exactly, A LOT has happened!! And when I say A LOT I mean AAAALLLOOOOTTTTT!!!!!

To start off, Christie and I are back together as BF/GF. A fact that will be concealed from my rents at all costs for the time being, but that in itself is a whole other post that needs its time. So yeah, we’re back.

On a side note, I was driving to work this morning at 5am, no one on the road, and I was thinking about this blog. Do much so that I had to add it to my calendar to make a point of writing. So I was thinking that it’s funny how during the darkest of times in a person’s life is the best time to write, get it out, lock it up on paper and get it out of the mind. That’s all when the pain is deepest and the writing is richest. It’s when the best words can be strung together in the best way and make the reader feel the best of the worst of life. BUT, it’s also the time when the spirit is crushed and has no will to write or even share any of it. On the flip side of that, during the happiest time in a person life is when writing is the richest in a happy joyous way, but usually if your enjoying life that much, who’s got time to write about it?! Leaving the mediocre. And that’s nothing to write home about. Mediocre days don’t spawn such as combacks as….. “Oh yeah, well I had to wash my grey goose only to find it watered down”. Or something like that. Just silliness really. That was my reply to her saying, “I had to wash my grey down (jacket) and a week later I found it still wet!”, while in the line for border security screening coming back from our latest Belize trip. And yes we back in Belize but this time it’s a whole other story.

I am not defined or characterized by the person that I am with. I am my own man. I should have taken that lesson from my father a long time ago, but obviously I have not. And its about damn time I did. I have always identified by the people I am around, my friends, my family, but most importantly, by the person I am dating. They also had to be attractive, because only cool guys date attractive women. They had to be fit, well because only losers date fat girls. And the list goes on and on and on. Stemming really from humans ultimate fear of looking good and avoiding looking bad. I would always fuck a fat girl, ugly girl, or any other kind of girl, but I never wanted to be out in public with them. So any time I was dating a girl, or having any serious relationship with any girl at all, it was always a must that they fit into some category, as it would define the person I am. Not I’ve skipped the last few weeks, as they have been instrumental in getting me to this point right now, but as time unfolds, you will be able to piece together what transpired throughout those few weeks. Christie and I are back in negotiations into our relationship. We are not at a point where neither of us are seeing, fucking, sucking, licking, or even entertaining anyone else. We are both pretty adamant about making sure anyone that wants to have anything to do with us, that we are unavailable at this moment, and possibly for the rest of time. So what happened you ask? Well that’s a long long story of defeat and triumph. The Phoenix that rose from the ashes to reclaim all that was his, but in a better, stronger, more powerful version. After all, the phoenix can never become unless everything is burnt to a crisp, and it was. So where are we at now? Well that’s the interesting thing, and the reason for this particular post. During our breakup, we saw other people. I fucked some, she sucked some (and licked a few assholes as well), which obviously didn’t matter at the time as my focus was on attracting her back to me. Well that’s happened. And now? Well not its become an issue. Not a logical or rational one, something I have to mention. Yes, I know what your thinking…. im being ungrateful, and I am. Really I’m just being an immature child, and not the mature grown man that I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. And I see that clearly. Shit you can tell by how I look to know this. I have attachment issues. If not people, its to thoughts and ideas, even mental images. I get attached. And ever since a couple weeks ago I became attached to the thoughts of her being with other guys during the breakup. Facts are, we broke up. On her end there was no intention of ever getting back together, so she moved on and started dating others, and with dating comes sexual acts of course. So then why be hung up? Well because I was clearly not moved on, and still emotionally attached, as you’ll see in the future as the story is revealed. Which brings me to this… If I am my own man, confident in my ways and who I am and what I want, then all there is to know is that I lost someone, manned the fuck up, and got them back. I got what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, even better than before. Not from her end per say, but on mine. She is still the amazing person she is, but I have become a better man for it. 3 months of agony transformed me and gave me the tools I needed to become a better person for myself, and everyoned around me. More apt to be in an actual relationship, bringing a whole person as opposed to half a person who’s looking to be completed. But as long as I keep holding onto things she did during the break up, its a clear indication that I have more work to do, as a whole person is not bothered by reality or how things are, or could or should have been. A whole person is complete no matter what the other person is or was. This does not reflect on a whole person in any way shape or form. Especially since I’m also a person that has collapsed morality in with so many other things including sex and sexual acts. Combine that with 50 thousand years of evolutionary programming and for someone like me its like being sabotaged by my own brain. The very thing that wants to keep me safe and alive is working against my progress and happiness. After all, my brain wants certainty, safety, security. It doesn’t give a fuck about happiness, joy, fulfillment, love, or any of those things. It wants me to stay alive, and that’s it! Essentially my brain is a future predicting machine that’s taking past experiences and charging them with the emotion experienced in those moments to ward of anything in the future that looks or feels anything like those past experiences. Those being negative of course. Anything that spells uncertainty has to be eliminated and it will employ everything last weapon in its arsenal to make sure it happens. So what do I do? Well, anytime one wants to succeed, they must rise above the level of what we deem as ourselves. In reality, its our limbic system in charge and making sure we do what we must to live. Combine that with our super advanced cortex and it spells anything but possibility. One really can achieve self mastery, but that takes a lot of discipline and a lot of practice. At what you ask? Not listening to our brain! Not taking our own advice! Well the one that involves anything but fact that is. Emotions cloud judgement because they are formed in the heat of the moment by a situation that’s already happened in the past. So when something on paper looks great, but your still hungup on something that doesn’t even seem like it should hang you up, then that’s a clear sign. Me for example, being hungup on something that happened when I was not in the picture, essentially like meeting someone for the first time all over again, I would be hungup on any past relationships shes had or what shes done in them, as I’m only here for the present and future. Meaning, I’m hungup based on programming. Essentially not difference than being in the matrix. Programming the machine to do whats required for the greater good, And in this case, the greater good is my survival. Except the matrix doenst see that the times have changed and we now live in a civilization and not alone in the woods anymore. When Freud says we have the Id, the Ego, and the Superego, well it might seem science fictiony, but in reality, its like having 3 entities in there all trying to do the same thing but they just cant seem to agree. So the dominant one wins during whatever situation. Its the story of the good wolf and the bad wolf. Whichever one you feed, will always dominate the other. There’s a story in that for another day. Point being, we are conflicted at times by trivial things. But in the end, we are whole and complete and perfect and we never need to anything else outside of ourselves to be the person we want to be, we already have it. So whomever you date does not define who you are. If likes to lick assholes, then it has nothing to do with you in that it defines who you are for being with her. All it means is that she’s going to lick your asshole too! And what a glorious thing that is!! So drop the irrationality of what happened while you were not present at the party, and enjoy! Get your dick sucked dry of every last drop. Have your balls in some pretty girls mouth and feel all the goodness that it has to offer. And for fucks sake man, get your asshole eaten out so good that it makes you wanna cum like the water fountains at the the Bellagio!!! Life isn’t so serious, so enjoy it and don’t make it mean anything. At the end of the day, life is really empty and meaningless, so live as such!