It’s said that the moments of greatest revelation come from the moments of greatest despair or happiness. Some sort of peak experience in life that tears open the fabric of space and time and transports us almost to another dimension where we’re able to access something greater than ourselves, something higher, some alter self, some elevated self, the true self.

Most days we wander through life seemingly unaware of reality, of life, in autopilot droning on about this or that, taxes, bills, work, stress, girls/guys… Whatever. Trivial matters. Fleeting matters. Matters that will not be remembered a year down the road, something benign. Totally missing the very nature of life, the present, the thing that surrounds us, that gives us life, that elevates our being to some higher plane of existence that we only seem to be on for seconds every once in a while in such a rare experience that it seems almost foreign.

We run away from those moments of peak experience. We fear them. We drown them by busying ourselves with trivial matters that are like farts on tile floors. They’re heard, smelled, but within seconds or even minutes are gone, never to be remembered, utterly meaningless. So then what does one do?

Well, I can’t claim to know what to do, I’m on this journey just the same. And this journey can be feared, experienced with closed eyes, heart, and mind. Or lived. Truly lived with eyes wide open, heart wide open, and mind wide open to all that is around is. Scary is just a word. It’s a viewpoint. It’s a context. Change the context and your world changes around you!

Roller-coasters are scary to some and thrilling to others. So can you go from being scared to not? Well in a matter of speaking, yes. But what’s the solution, how do you do that? Well… This is gonna sound clichĂ© but you just do it! You be scared! Be scared as fuck! Go on, sit at the front, open your eyes, scream like hell, and be scared as fuck. And when the ride stops, you might have to go change your pants but you’ll realize you didn’t die. You made it, you crushed it, you looked fear in the eyes and took it head on. Yeah pissing yourself in the process but gives a fuck?! In a few years, it’ll make for one helluva story either way! You know what won’t make a good story? The time you chickened out and didn’t go on that ride cause you were too scared!

Life is really just a collection of stories, experiences along the way to the final destination. The more of these amazing stories the more life you would have lived. You don’t have to travel the world, you don’t have to be CEO of a Fortune 500 company, you just have to collect stories and experiences.

The best place to start is to become your own best friend. Start with yourself. Find a way to connect with your true self, chase the joy that we see all put on this earth to experience. And the quickest surest way to do that is to clear your mind and experience the feelings that are happening inside you right now. If they are sadness then feel sad, anger then be angry, don’t deny them. Let them go through you, wash over you, sit with them.

One way I like to experience them is when I am going through times like this, as I am now writing this is to just sit with them. The term is “comfortably confronting”. I’m confronted by a feeling, so I find a quiet place that peaceful, and I sit with that feeling. Be curious. Don’t judge, analyze, nothing. Just observe. Where is it in my body. What does it really feel like? Breath through that part of the body, imagine my breath is going from my lungs into that part of the body. Allow it to be there, never making it wrong.

Feelings are your compass in life. They steer your ship. Good feelings, you’re on the right path, bad ones and there’s something off. Embrace the feeling. I tend to feel lonely. Kinda why I started writing. Am I alone, not in the least. I’m surrounded by people constantly. But something is off. I tell myself it’s this or that. It’s a new Benz I need to buy or I once I have a long-term relationship or I need my hair fixed or my nose done or a million other things. But in reality, when those things happen it’ll just be something else. I won’t be able to be with anyone cause I fear being with myself. I fear being alone. Alone in this cold cold world. But that’s not reality!

The reality is that that’s the thoughts of a little boy whose mother left him alone at the house one time cause she had to go to work and from that point in was terrified of being left alone in this world. So I grew up with the fantasy of when I find my princess ill never let get go and we’ll grow old and be happy and never leave each other’s side. So had that happened?? Well yes. Multiple times. The crazy part is, it’s either me that ends it and feels alone or she ends it and I feel alone. It’s this cycle that leads to the same place. Never letting myself get what I want. Why? Cause it’s not me running the show. It’s an addiction of a little bit running the show and I’m just the victim of his terror lol. Sounds messed up right? Well, it’s reality.

The reality is I’m a grown ass man that doesn’t need shit! I have everything. But yet still feel unfulfilled. Why? Cause the things I’m going after don’t fulfill me, they fulfill the little boy. Then after a while, I wake up and realize it’s not what I want. And the cycle continues. It’s vicious as fuck!

So what’s there to do? Well, that’s all part of the journey. There’s no destination. The destination is final and not somewhere you wanna really ever get to. It’s the process. It’s the work. It’s the progress. It’s the struggle. It’s the pain. It’s the joy on getting over the pain. It’s the conquest. It’s the glory. It’s the defeat. It’s the victory. It’s all of those. Life happens in the moments between the destination. We’re always getting ready to get ready to get ready… Never really getting anywhere. Never really catching the carrot. Fucks sakes THERE IS NO FUCKING CARROT!! YOU ARE THE CARROT! life is what you make it. You’re the creator, the director, the producer, all of it! Everyone else is just an extra on your set and you get to hire and fire whoever you want!!

I write this for me, I hope you know that. This is my way of telling me what I need to hear. I’m the best advice giver but the worst advice taker and I think you can all relate. We can give everyone the best advice but can never give it to ourselves. So here I am giving it to myself. And if this helps you in the process then that makes me just that much happier!!

Much has happened in the last week…which I should just leave for another blog. A few highs, a bunch of lows, and some really fucked up news which kinda brought me peace? Yeah, it’s a whole story. And it’s one that even surprised me, I mean waking up holding a woman’s breast implant in my hand wearing woman’s pink silk pants would surprise anyone, right?! But that’s a story for another time lol

Peace & love, always & forever

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