2016 came around and I met, who I thought would be my future wife. I was already seeing someone and had to break it off with her to be with this new one. Not an easy task since I was in love with the girl I had been seeing. Even though we only dated for 3 weeks, I was in love with her. But it was an easy decision to make. This one was my future. She had everything for I ever wanted in a girl. Worked out, entrepreneur, smart, gorgeous, exciting, going places. And she was a virgin at 23! True unicorn. So I bit. Dumped the old one and had my second date with the new one on the sunny beaches of Belize. Off to an amazing start. Till I started losing confidence in myself. And it went downhill from there. A year later we break up. 3 months later we get back together only to break up again. Reason? The love for myself had all but disappeared and got replaced with love for her. I needed her now. I held in on such a pedestal that I couldn’t even see what was happening. And what was happening was I had become attached to her in such a way that I needed her to give me all the things I thought I now lacked in myself.

This girl is very strong-willed. Selfish. And had to be her way. And I attached myself to her in a way that without her I couldn’t live my life anymore without her. From her, I got my importance, my validation, my love, my independence, my freedom. And now I was afraid to lose her. Cause if I lose her then I lose all the things about me I want. The way I’ve always wanted to be. With her I was strong, independent, loved. But I was using her as a crutch to fulfil the things I no longer thought could on my own. A terrible place to be. What ends up happening is me operating from a place of fear and not a place of love. In that fear state, I was very afraid to lose her so I let her get away with everything. And in the end, she ended up walking all over me and eventually out on me. I’ve only been dumped once before in my life, the very first girl I’ve ever dated and I said I’d never let myself get to that again. Also not healthy, cause that in itself is operating from a place of fear. Preventing me from so many amazing experiences. A year or so before meeting this latest girl, I met a girl who made me see that I was walled off, never allowing a girl to penetrate to my heart. So I vowed that I would open up and love like I’ve never been hurt before. So I did. And it was both an amazing and a destructive experience. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

After every time this last girl broke up with me, I was able to see something about myself that I had never seen before. 2016 came and I thought it was the year of growth, I grew so much with her. 2017 came and we broke up and I regretted not taking on all the growth possible with her. We broke up and not 2017 was the real year of growth. Definitely a year I grew a lot. But now 2018 came and were back together and I thought it would be the year I make it big. Turns out I had not grown enough. Something was definitely still missing. That “thing” that was in my blind spot I still wasn’t able to see still existed. As long as we stayed together I got what I wanted out of life, even if the “thing” hasn’t shown itself to me, cause it obv wasn’t that important. Well turns out I was wrong, and I’m not wrong often.

After this breakup, I can now say without a shadow of a doubt that 2018 Is the ultimate year of growth lmao. Sound funny? Cause it is! It’s messed up. Cause 2019 will come and will REALLY be the year of growth! The truth is that the thing I’ve always wanted in life was growth. And someone to grow with, grow together. But the reality is that growth isn’t something we can do with someone else. That’s where the smoke and mirrors of Hollywood comes in to play. We can only grow alone, and when we have grown to be the best version of ourselves is when that one that we have been searching for comes along.

WE ATTRACT WHAT WE ARE AND NOT WHAT WE WANT

So what has 2018 given me for me to make it my “year of growth”? Well, the piece of the puzzle that baffled me. The cause of the breakup of this, and every other relationship I’ve ever had. Lack of self-love. And from that lack of self-love comes lack of self-confidence. This is a strong woman that wants the strong unrepentant man that will protect her, provide the space she needs to grow, and yet put her in her place when the time comes! And I didn’t do that. And she even told me that at the end. “I wish you had put me in my place more”. Why? Cause women don’t really even know what they want. But what they always want is a man that’s confident and powerful. They need the chemistry. Without it, it doesn’t matter how amazing you are, she will walk out every single time and look for something exciting, even if it’s not the best thing for her.

Why is it that when I don’t like a girl all that much she won’t leave me alone? Cause I don’t let her get away with anything. She always knows where the door is and is always welcome to use it anytime she wants. She knows I won’t chase her and it drives her crazy! The reason this girl was so interested in me to begin with is cause we matched on tinder and I didn’t message. So she messaged me and I didn’t respond. So she added me on Instagram. I was hard to get. I want available to her like most guys would be. And she wanted more. And then once I had her I gave her all the attention in the world. And it pushed her away. I gave her respect and she didn’t want it, she wanted love. She wanted chemistry. She wants what most girls want. Well, what most humans want. The thrill of the chase. And I was in a cage now and no fun anymore. And I’m still not out from under her spell. Anyone else and they would be so done. But I keep wanted to spend time with her. And it pushes her more and more away. And it’s ok, cause this was not “the one”, but she did show me what’s available to me out there when a man like myself has total confidence in himself, and what it’s like when that man loses that confidence. And so it’s time to get the confidence back. And not for her, but for myself this time. For my present and future life. And not for my past life. This girl was amazing while it lasted, and from her, I’ve learned a great deal. And now it’s time to give myself all that love, and in the process find my self-confidence!

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