“You know it’s funny, no matter how shitty a time we had during whatever experience, I look back on it when I’m reminded of it and it makes happy/sad all at once. It’s a crazy feeling. (came across the McDonald’s receipt #277 from our first night in this seminar, and the super 8 motel card after we got back from Cabo) – cleaning the house. I’d never change how it turned out, wouldn’t be possible to feel those feelings if I did. And I’m reminded of how grateful I am for every experience I’m able to be a part of while I’m alive. So many never got the chance. Thanks for being a part of my experience (and a part of my corny rant lol). I couldn’t ask for a better ex gf. Thanks for being so awesome!”

Well, that’s what I wrote….but never sent. She doesn’t take too kindly to corny. Or sweet. Or nice. Or anything less than ultra masculine. Clearly we weren’t compatible lol. If you met me on the street you’d think…. What a douchebag. Clearly arrogant, douchy, high on himself. And maybe even a little intimidating. But talk to me and you’d see that those are just fronts. Inside I’m just a soft marshmallow! I love being sweet, kind, cute. It’s when I’m in my element. I’ve always been the sweet kid every aunt loved. And somewhere along the way, that wasn’t good enough. The nice guy, as they say, never wins. The douchbag always wins! Or so our world has come to witness. And why is that? The nice guy always gives up his/her power, just hands it over to anyone willing to take it. The douch knows what he/she wants and just goes after it, trampling over anyone in the way. She’s a douchbag. And as such attracts that.

So why did she attract me? Well when we met I had reverted back to douchbag mode, running through girls, diff one every night. And I wasn’t even trying. Just pulled her in. Locked her down. And then I felt safe. So I let her see me. The child inside. And it drove her away. We always seem to want the thing in life that’s the worst for us. We always want what we can’t /shouldn’t have. Oh well. So be it.

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