As the day progressed, the clouds formed, the sky’s darkened, the fog descended, and the gloom was overwhelming. By the time the day ended and turned to night, the air was so waterlogged that dew formed rain drops in mid-air and dropped out like tears from a giant eye, seemingly out no where. By the time dawn broke rain, was upon us in all its glory and sadness as if the heavens were weeping in sorrow of what just transpired.

And what just happened was the finalization it the final chapter of a book 2 year in the making. It’s been one helluva book, that’s for sure. Moments of glory, of pain, or sorry, or happiness, of hope, of a bright future and of death. It’s had it all. As they say, we laughed and we cried. And then in the end, it ended the same way it began. But with that said, we both walked away with bags of knowledge and experience. And experience being the most valuable “thing” anyone could ever hope for, something sometimes money can’t even buy. Simply priceless.

I arrived at her building to the soundtrack of Push me to the edge by lol uzi. How befitting….. “Your the worst, your the worst….” Lol. No plans to go up but she’s not ready so I did. Felt a bit awkward, reminiscent of the last breakup. By the way, something that seemed so foreign now. I Remeber trying to Remeber the sorrow I felt then and I couldn’t. I wondered what that feeling felt like and how I was a mess, a puddle of emotions, and yet now things are good I couldn’t even recall what that felt like. Well, some have come flooding back. It’s kinda hard not to allow them in. But what they is, “what resists persists” so holding them back will on keep them coming. So I have to embrace and do the incremental work to get back to where I want to be. Alive!!

So we chat, she gets ready, we go for coffee. Hit 2 diff coffee houses. Nice places, and we talk. The second place has an art gallery in the back so it was cool sitting on a bench in the gallery drinking a London fog while she sips in some prosecco in a champagne flute while people walk around us and we’re talking about the end of a relationship. Very different. We go for all you eat sushi. Lots and lots of talking. Get back to her place. Have our weekly landmark group call. Then sit down to create the next chapter. Last time I thought I fkd up, I shorted her big time and was the worst. So I needed to try hard to get her back so I can prove to myself that I can do better. Well I did that. She came back. I pulled out all the stops. There was nothing more I could do without devaluing myself to a level I couldn’t live with. I know in my heart there was nothing more I could do without actually changing myself. And it still ended so I can walk about clean. The crazy part is that even tho she wanted all that, that’s not what was needed. What was missing for her were the things I couldn’t change. My fundamental self. They way I am. The things that make me me and give me joy. For example, she wants the super masculine quite guy who will just listen to her when she needs to talk. I can’t be that, I fkn love to talk!!it brings me so much joy in life to blabber on and be heard. When my words can make a difference in someone’s life. That makes me so happy. It actually energizes me and gets me wired where I can’t even sleep! Also, someone that will make her laugh all day every day. Granted I can be funny but I’m not that guy who’s always cracking jokes. I like being silly and goofy sometimes and I do love jokes, but I can’t keep it turned on all day. Some can, it’s who they can be, and I can’t be that. Our humour is not the same. She loves family guy and I think it’s dumb. We do laugh about the same things a lot of the time but not all the time. I don’t like being serious all the time but I do like being effective. I’m not that guy and honestly don’t really wanna be. She said it like 100 times that she might be being immature and making the biggest mistake of her life, but she has to go out and see what she can attract. And she’s not ready for long term. She hasn’t had enough fun yet and if she settles down now then her wants will be wandering and that will always lead to no good. She still thinks in such a way that can only come from the kind of someone still in their early 20’s. I know I was there and I can relate for sure! So I can relate and I totally understand and know that since I did everything I could possibly do without changing my core self…. Then that’s it.. We both agreed it really wasn’t me and really was her. In every way lol. And that left me settled.

So we created. We formulated a way of being that we are going to take on that will allow this transition to work. Neither of us want to end it but in light of her thoughts and her feelings, there can’t be a way we can continue with the status quo. After much discussion we come to a conclusion that we were both in it for the wrong reasons. And if we’re being honest about it, I didn’t want to admit it or face it but after we got back together for the second time, shortly after I started feeling more and more dead inside. I thought to myself at one point….. Is this how I’m going to be feeling for the rest of our lives?! I could find no joy in anything. At times so depressed! Nothing that made me happy before made me happy then. It wasn’t good. BUT…. it was safe, it was secure. But is that a good enough reason to stay in a relationship? Not likely. The crazy thing is when we are not committed to each other in a serious relationship, we are such better people! We have so much fun together, we laugh at everything, the physical is on fire!! And as soon as we’re back in it, it’s like death! So it really is for the best. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone that makes you feel dead inside. This is wwwaaayyyyy better!! So for a short time now we will carry on in the new method of being with each other. We will see other people. We will for a short time continue to be physical, for better or worse. And will phase it out. There’s no restrictions in place and if something changes for someone in terms of feeling and whatnot then we reassess and go from there. We might have to cut it off sooner than expected but who knows. At some point one if us will want to exit to persue something serious, but for now, here we are.

So I left her city on a night that was gloomier than any other I have experienced while with her there. Felt heavy. Sad. But the rains always make way for the a fresh new beginning. So here we are. Scared. Excited. Unsure of my footing. But brave enough to know that there’s something great ahead! In whatever shape or form it’s in. For now, no dwelling on what’s Not so (what I don’t want or don’t have) and start focusing on what is (what I want to manifest). For now, I’m sad and yet settled. It’s a good day to be alive.

Comments
  1. lovebug1323 says:

    hope you are having a good day đŸ™‚

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