Archive for October, 2017

I am not defined or characterized by the person that I am with. I am my own man. I should have taken that lesson from my father a long time ago, but obviously I have not. And its about damn time I did. I have always identified by the people I am around, my friends, my family, but most importantly, by the person I am dating. They also had to be attractive, because only cool guys date attractive women. They had to be fit, well because only losers date fat girls. And the list goes on and on and on. Stemming really from humans ultimate fear of looking good and avoiding looking bad. I would always fuck a fat girl, ugly girl, or any other kind of girl, but I never wanted to be out in public with them. So any time I was dating a girl, or having any serious relationship with any girl at all, it was always a must that they fit into some category, as it would define the person I am. Not I’ve skipped the last few weeks, as they have been instrumental in getting me to this point right now, but as time unfolds, you will be able to piece together what transpired throughout those few weeks. Christie and I are back in negotiations into our relationship. We are not at a point where neither of us are seeing, fucking, sucking, licking, or even entertaining anyone else. We are both pretty adamant about making sure anyone that wants to have anything to do with us, that we are unavailable at this moment, and possibly for the rest of time. So what happened you ask? Well that’s a long long story of defeat and triumph. The Phoenix that rose from the ashes to reclaim all that was his, but in a better, stronger, more powerful version. After all, the phoenix can never become unless everything is burnt to a crisp, and it was. So where are we at now? Well that’s the interesting thing, and the reason for this particular post. During our breakup, we saw other people. I fucked some, she sucked some (and licked a few assholes as well), which obviously didn’t matter at the time as my focus was on attracting her back to me. Well that’s happened. And now? Well not its become an issue. Not a logical or rational one, something I have to mention. Yes, I know what your thinking…. im being ungrateful, and I am. Really I’m just being an immature child, and not the mature grown man that I’m supposed to be at this point in my life. And I see that clearly. Shit you can tell by how I look to know this. I have attachment issues. If not people, its to thoughts and ideas, even mental images. I get attached. And ever since a couple weeks ago I became attached to the thoughts of her being with other guys during the breakup. Facts are, we broke up. On her end there was no intention of ever getting back together, so she moved on and started dating others, and with dating comes sexual acts of course. So then why be hung up? Well because I was clearly not moved on, and still emotionally attached, as you’ll see in the future as the story is revealed. Which brings me to this… If I am my own man, confident in my ways and who I am and what I want, then all there is to know is that I lost someone, manned the fuck up, and got them back. I got what I wanted, exactly how I wanted it, even better than before. Not from her end per say, but on mine. She is still the amazing person she is, but I have become a better man for it. 3 months of agony transformed me and gave me the tools I needed to become a better person for myself, and everyoned around me. More apt to be in an actual relationship, bringing a whole person as opposed to half a person who’s looking to be completed. But as long as I keep holding onto things she did during the break up, its a clear indication that I have more work to do, as a whole person is not bothered by reality or how things are, or could or should have been. A whole person is complete no matter what the other person is or was. This does not reflect on a whole person in any way shape or form. Especially since I’m also a person that has collapsed morality in with so many other things including sex and sexual acts. Combine that with 50 thousand years of evolutionary programming and for someone like me its like being sabotaged by my own brain. The very thing that wants to keep me safe and alive is working against my progress and happiness. After all, my brain wants certainty, safety, security. It doesn’t give a fuck about happiness, joy, fulfillment, love, or any of those things. It wants me to stay alive, and that’s it! Essentially my brain is a future predicting machine that’s taking past experiences and charging them with the emotion experienced in those moments to ward of anything in the future that looks or feels anything like those past experiences. Those being negative of course. Anything that spells uncertainty has to be eliminated and it will employ everything last weapon in its arsenal to make sure it happens. So what do I do? Well, anytime one wants to succeed, they must rise above the level of what we deem as ourselves. In reality, its our limbic system in charge and making sure we do what we must to live. Combine that with our super advanced cortex and it spells anything but possibility. One really can achieve self mastery, but that takes a lot of discipline and a lot of practice. At what you ask? Not listening to our brain! Not taking our own advice! Well the one that involves anything but fact that is. Emotions cloud judgement because they are formed in the heat of the moment by a situation that’s already happened in the past. So when something on paper looks great, but your still hungup on something that doesn’t even seem like it should hang you up, then that’s a clear sign. Me for example, being hungup on something that happened when I was not in the picture, essentially like meeting someone for the first time all over again, I would be hungup on any past relationships shes had or what shes done in them, as I’m only here for the present and future. Meaning, I’m hungup based on programming. Essentially not difference than being in the matrix. Programming the machine to do whats required for the greater good, And in this case, the greater good is my survival. Except the matrix doenst see that the times have changed and we now live in a civilization and not alone in the woods anymore. When Freud says we have the Id, the Ego, and the Superego, well it might seem science fictiony, but in reality, its like having 3 entities in there all trying to do the same thing but they just cant seem to agree. So the dominant one wins during whatever situation. Its the story of the good wolf and the bad wolf. Whichever one you feed, will always dominate the other. There’s a story in that for another day. Point being, we are conflicted at times by trivial things. But in the end, we are whole and complete and perfect and we never need to anything else outside of ourselves to be the person we want to be, we already have it. So whomever you date does not define who you are. If likes to lick assholes, then it has nothing to do with you in that it defines who you are for being with her. All it means is that she’s going to lick your asshole too! And what a glorious thing that is!! So drop the irrationality of what happened while you were not present at the party, and enjoy! Get your dick sucked dry of every last drop. Have your balls in some pretty girls mouth and feel all the goodness that it has to offer. And for fucks sake man, get your asshole eaten out so good that it makes you wanna cum like the water fountains at the the Bellagio!!! Life isn’t so serious, so enjoy it and don’t make it mean anything. At the end of the day, life is really empty and meaningless, so live as such!

The one thing I’ve realized in life is if there’s something you want to keep then you have to feed it. Whether it’s a habit or a pet. They say there’s a good wolf and a bad wolf inside of each of us. The one you feed the most will always win over the other. But what they leave out is that you can never starve the other wolf to death. It has just as much of a selves preservation mechanism as we do. It will eventually fight back to eat, and when you put it in a situation where its life or death then it will do whatever it has to do to survive. So I think the key might be, feed the one you want to win enough to be dominant and strong but always keep the other one fed just enough to not die or even feel like it might die to starvation. You want it weakened by lack of nutrition but provided for enough as to night rise up against you. This being said to illustrate the point that in humans there’s certain traits we have that we want or are needed. We all have the bad wolf. We all need to do bad things to keep the bad wolf alive. In moderation of course. But gorge the good wolf. But the key here is to keep things from swaying too much. Linear. Uniform. Nothing drastic. It needs to be dolled out along the same timeline in the same amount. Like sleep. Too much change and the body goes nuts. It loves predictability and stability. Wants the to go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time. That’s when it produces the most and treats you the best. So if I want a girl that likes to do bad things and I enjoy that, then if I’m not there I need her to stick to it or else a wild swing happens. Starved and that trait might be lost. If I have a girl who enjoys eating out asshole to please me, we break up, then during the breakup she would have to eat out a few assholes. If I ever an in getting back together with her and that trait has changed then it could be lost forever. It’s a simple matter of co consistency to maintain a favourable trait. No more no less. If I enjoy the bad wolf in my company, then when I’m not there anymore that wolf still has to get fed. If it doesn’t and it dies off, then if/when I return, that wolf will no longer be there for me to enjoy playing with. Example. I dated a girl who didn’t like it in the ass. I worked my way to getting her to do it. It was enjoyable. She got used to it. Now we stopped. We broke up. Now I ask her if she will do it again and the answer is the same as it was at the beginning. Hells no!! Why?? That wolf died. Unfortunate for anyone else or myself if I ever want to get back with her. Had that wolf got fed once In a while then that option wools always be on the table. Might be weak, but alive to play with once in a while when I get home. And now rip. I believe fanatics let only one wolf exist in their life. They have no perspective. They have no one else to play with other than just the one wolf. And that equals danger. The key is balance. But the key in this case to live a happy life is feed the good wolf amounts of food enough to keep it strong and healthy, stronger than the bad, even if there was 10 bad wolves, weak and feeble, VS one super wolf….the good super wold would tear the other ones to shreds if need be. I believe we have many good and bad wolves. Well I do at this moment and that’s subject to change in time. The ultimate of the wolves being self, the good snow white wolf and IT, the black as night bad wolf. Thoughts, ego, neuronal patterns, emotions all feed the bad wolf. Self, the good wolf feeds on peace, elevation, maturity, forgiveness, compassion, enlightenment, silence, responsibility, integrity. And a few others of course. Those feed the good wolf. Self. That’s connected to God and the universe. But humans aren’t God’s. And as such we are all created with bad wolves. But “bad” is relative. Sucking dick and eating assholes might be bad to some but if it’s something I need or enjoy in my life then I need that to stay at a steady state. Or else I won’t be able to enjoy it. Not having a girl suck dick or eat an asshole in months is gonna be drastic. Then things get weird. She will start to bring morality into it. Question if it’s right or wrong. Question her self and her motives. And all those lead to instability and eventually that wolf gets so weak that it risks dying, or even dies. And then what?! No longer to be had. Another example. I dare a girl for a while. She likes sucking dick and eating assholes. We break up. Now down the road I want to be back with her. So in the mean time during the breakup, for me to expect she’s not gonna go that is a terrible thing for me. Cause when I do want to be back with her, I want that bad wolf. I want her to eat my ass and suck my dick and let me do shit to her like a bad girl she is. Hell I wanna straight up shit on her and wash it off with my golden piss. So it’s safe to say I want her to keep it up while I’m gone so when I return I can enjoy that time getting my dick sucked and ass eaten. No morality. No right or wrong. The only thing I ask for is Obviously don’t catch any diseases. Dont be disrespected. Don’t do something you don’t wanna do. Don’t get hurt. Now in my case, don’t let anyone shit or piss on you, that’s reserved for me. And don’t let anyone fuck you in the ass cause that’s reserved for me too. In my case she’s also a pussy virgin so Obv don’t let anyone fuck your pussy but that goes without saying. In life we need to battle our programming. Our limbic system. 50 thousand years of programming. Not easy to do. I read a great article on waitbutwhy and it goes something like this…..
Gaining control over your limbic system is both the definition of maturity and the core human struggle. Your limbic system doesn’t get that you live in a civilization, and if you let it run your life too much, it’ll quickly ruin your life!!
Self lives outside any ordained place in the brain. It’s not finite. It’s not tangible. The mind is. And it’s job is to keep you alive… 50 thousand years ago! It’s like running an old roadster big block today. It will do the job, but in a very crude and sloppy way. It will eventually smash you into a wall without airbags. And it shows up in the form of pettiness, insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, immaturity, and being just plain small. The inability to turn the page on things in life. Being stuck. Shempa as Buddhist call it. The hooking effect. In reality it’s all neuronal memory patterns, synapses that have accumulated throughout life to keep us safe and way from danger. And in this civilization we live in they no longer serve us. We have the ability to reform them into whatever we want. Powerfully. Alter your perception of life by remapping your brain! It takes time and it might seem like no progress is being made, until it is! And you’ll realize it when you look back on it to see what you did before and how rediculous and funny that was, “wow I can’t believe I used to do that, or I went through that crazy!” It’s really true the old saying, fake it toll you make it! Your brain doesn’t actually know the difference, only you do! Only self does! And it’s a wonderful thing!